Stop Telling Your Kids They Can Do Anything They Put Their Mind To
Skip the identity crisis and give them a massive head start.
As a child, my parents told me that if I worked hard enough, I could do anything. Maybe you’ve heard this, too:
“You can be a doctor, an architect, a lawyer, a psychologist . . . You can achieve anything you put your mind to!”
Like so many other parents, mine said this with the best intentions. As did many of my teachers, mentors, family and friends. They thought they were being supportive, and their hearts were full of love.
Yet, this statement proved remarkably unhelpful. In fact, I’d argue it held me back from finding success in life.
An Important Caveat
Before I go on, I must recognise that I am privileged to say this. Not everyone has parents and mentors who are so supportive, or who can afford their children so many opportunities and freedoms.
What I am simply suggesting is that saying “you can do whatever you put your mind to!” doesn’t convey the support that so many parents intend it to.
A Generational Problem
The emergence of “you can do anything you put your mind to!” can be traced back almost a hundred years. Surviving the widespread unemployment and economic unrest of the Great Depression, our great-grandparents — the Silent Generation (1925–1945) — learned to value stability and resourcefulness.
This trauma was passed onto their children — the Baby Boomers (1946–1964) — who were taught to enter the workforce, get a stable job, and earn a living, so they didn’t have to struggle as their parents did.
Remember, at this time, the internet didn’t exist. Remote work was almost unheard of. Work-life balance was easier to maintain. And with a lack of flexible or extravagant working options, a stable job was desirable.
Enter Generation X. The free-love, hippy, rock-and-roll counterculture of the 1960s and 1970s disrupted this narrative. No longer directly impacted by the generational trauma experienced by their parents and grandparents, values began to shift. Being stuck in a boring but stable 9–5 suddenly didn’t seem so peachy.
Not wanting to repeat the same “mistakes” their parents did forcing them into stable jobs, Generation X was—and is—much more encouraging of today’s up-and-coming workforce.
Insert “you can do whatever you put your mind to!” here.
I get it, they‘re just being kind. But giving a child infinite options is just as unhelpful as forcing a child into a singular occupation. In fact, it’s often more unhelpful, because infinite options lead to choice paralysis.
What’s the Big Deal Anyway?
While having infinite choices seems wonderful on the surface, giving a child infinite options is often just as unhelpful—or perhaps even more unhelpful—than forcing a child into a singular occupation.
It can lead to unnecessary stress, choice-paralysis and have long-term impacts on identity and life enjoyment. Here’s what I mean:
1. It is Irresponsible
Telling your child that they can “do anything” is overwhelming for them. With little real-world experience, self-awareness or point of reference, it’s unwise to give a 17-year-old free range of the job market.
For instance, Googling ‘what does a lawyer do?’ or watching NBC’s Suits will paint a radically different picture than the day-to-day realities of the legal profession.
Furthermore, many countries require certain grades to enter university courses. The “do anything” narrative can put pressure on teenagers to achieve unnecessary academic success, which can lead to mental health issues or even suicide in extreme cases. This can be avoided if a child has a goal in mind; a place to direct their energies, healthily.
2. It Perpetuates Mainstream Definitions of Success
Telling your child that they can “do anything” perpetuates hierarchies inherent to the job market, and mainstream — often toxic — definitions of success.
Notice how the “quote” by my parents (above) doesn’t list artist, actress, florist, singer, nanny, cleaner, or any of the other creative and/or service-based industry jobs that often attract a lower pay-check and less stability. This was intentional.
The “do anything” narrative, while free and encouraging on its surface, often perpetuates a job hierarchy.
No judgment, either! I doubt that any parent really wants their child to become a starving artist when they tell them they can “do anything”. Instead, they’re crossing their fingers and toes — often visibly, too — that their child will choose something in the medical, legal, or engineering professions.
It is good and generous to desire your child to be financially stable. But at what cost?
While some children—often the artist types—will consciously and intentionally sacrifice “mainstream success” to do what they love, many children don’t have that drive or desire.
The vast majority of young people—who don’t burn with passion to, let’s say, perform in musical theatre — will adopt the narrative that society preaches. They’ll strive for the high pay-check and status-boosting career options, without a second thought.
It is these young people I worry about. These are the people who will wake up on their 45th birthday and realise that they’ve climbed to the top of the corporate ladder and that there’s nothing else for them.
With more life experience and self-awareness under their belt than they had at 17, they’ll do some soul-searching and realise that they should have been a singer all along . . . but often by now, it’s too late.
Why do I know this? Because it’s happening as we speak.
3. It’s Possibly a Cause of the “Great Resignation”
Over the past two years, journalists, sociologists and economists have been tracking what’s called “The Great Resignation”. If you’ve been online for more than 5 minutes, I’m sure you’ve heard of it.
Without delving into too much detail, I believe this trend is simply a symptom — or outcome — of the “do anything” mentality. A change in scenery, pace and societal narratives has caused many people (predominantly aged 30–45) to reassess their values and priorities. But this all could have been avoided!
What Should We Tell Our Kids Instead?
Two words: know thyself.
It’s simple, really. But being so caught up in the frenetic pace of life, it’s a step we so often forget.
Instead of giving our children — or ourselves — infinite options, we need to take the time to help them get to know themselves.
What do they like and dislike? What are their tendencies, desires, values? Often this requires getting to know the inner child — the identity a person had before they unconsciously adopted society’s expectations and accepted narratives.
Here’s a simple checklist to help you:
1. What Am I Good At?
This requires asking what you are naturally good at, or find easy. Are you creatively-minded, or analytical? What subjects did you excel at in school? What hobby or activity causes you to enter the flow state? Make a list, check it twice!
2. What is My Personality Type?
If you’re a loud and outgoing person, it might be best to avoid being a librarian. And if you’re quiet or shy, perhaps being a tour guide isn’t for you. Getting to know your personality tendencies is crucial to enjoying your work, or knowing what environment will suit you best. This is my favourite personality test, but for a more psychologically-validated test, you can take the Big Five.
3. What Do I Value?
This requires not only asking what causes you are passionate about (the environment, sex trafficking, LGBTQ+ rights etc), but also what drives and motivates you. Taking a Personal Values Assessment can help with this, as can this podcast episode:
4. What Lifestyle Do I Want to Lead?
How important is flexibility to you? When do you want to have kids? Do you want to travel for work, or are you more of a homebody? Do you want that mansion in the Hamptons, or are you content with your cozy, cramped apartment space? Knowing this can be particularly helpful, especially if you have multiple competing talents and interests, or a lack thereof.
In summary, I think it’s incredibly generous and shows great maturity to allow your child — or yourself — to pursue any career option they wish. But in providing this freedom, we also need to provide the necessary tools and wisdom to navigate that expanse.
Sitting down with your child and asking them the right questions from an early age can be a huge advantage and give them the tools they need to get ahead, stay passionate about their job and find work-life balance and alignment in all they do.
Let’s stop telling them “you can do anything you put your mind to!” and start saying, “Hey, let’s sit down and help you figure out what job — any job — you just might love one day!”
