What To Say When You’re Stuck For Words…
Taking the awkward out of the awkward conversations
As a counsellor and psychotherapist, I often have people consulting me about how to approach conflicting, difficult, and downright awkward conversations.
It may be telling your boss that you don’t like how they talk over you or telling your partner what you like in bed. Regardless of what it is, there is a bridge through to connection.
I hear stories like, “I want to tell my boss that it’s frustrating when they cut me off mid-sentence but I’m afraid of how they’ll react or that they’ll push me away.”
OR
“I’d really like to tell my partner that I want them to go slower when they’re touching my body but I’m afraid they’ll feel inadequate or wrong or that I’ll sound bossy.”
The common theme with these kinds of conversations is generally a fear of disconnection. My invitation, when I’m asked about this, is to speak that first.
Simply put, it’s speaking what’s right at the top of the pile. If the fear of a reaction and/or disconnection is at the top then share that first up. It might sound something like “Hey, I want to share something with you but I’m afraid you may get angry or interpret it in a way I don’t mean. You’re important to me and I really want to stay connected with you.” Of course, you can tailor your tone depending on who you’re talking with.
An additional step for any conversation of importance is to ask the other person if they have space for the conversation rather than just launching into it. One of the greatest ways we can sabotage important conversations is by launching in without the full presence/attention of the other person.
So let them know you have something important you want to share. Ask if they have time now and if they don’t agree on a time when you will meet. Go a step further even and create a boundary around the timeframe.
Instead of leaving it open ask for a specific amount of time. Have a start and end time. End times let the afraid parts, the nervous system, relax a little as it knows there will be an end.
When you have a clear ‘yes’ from the other person to hear what you want to say you’ve already stepped over a big part of the hurdle.
Then you can speak what’s at the top of the pile and go from there.
I’d love to hear if you tried this and how it worked out for you. Shoot me a message below or send me a private comment.
~Stacia
