A Room of Our Own
We can make magic when we ask for what we need.
What does it mean to be a woman who asks for help? Wait, let’s start over. Are women even allowed to ask for help? What happens when a woman does ask for help? I mean, this may be drawing broad conclusions, but I feel like society tends to judge her pretty harshly.
If a mother is struggling and asks for help, she’s a bad mother.
If a woman is struggling at work and asks for help, she’s incompetent and at risk of having her job handed to a male coworker.
If a female patient is struggling with pain or a mysterious complication, she’s making it up in her head.
If a woman is feeling sad and hopeless and wondering why she just can’t seem to get ahead, she’s hysterical, crazy, making shit up.
Have you ever seen this comic strip about the mom struggling at home while her husband entertains their guest? His reply when she breaks down, “You should have asked!” So, why didn’t she ask? Well, because asking seems to generally lead to one of two things: Being ignored or being told you’re making shit up. After decades and decades of asking and not being heard or worse, having your ask be used against you and losing your job/child/life, wouldn’t you stop asking at some point, too?
It’s like shock therapy. After so many years of not getting the help you need, of having the outcome of your action be the exact the opposite of what you need, you just stop asking.
For a woman, asking for what you need can be a revolutionary action. You risk so much in the asking. It’s something I have been thinking about a lot in relation to the Pallas Network. I get asked all the time what my plan is for the network. What are my goals? What are my motivations? What is the point of all the work I’m putting into this thing that is paying me nothing? And frankly, for the longest time, I had no freaking idea. But recently, after a day of intense discussions on the Facebook Group, it all kind of crystallized for me: I want the Pallas Network to be a virtual Room of Requirement for women.
Of all the beautiful things J.K. Rowling created, the Room of Requirement is the one that has maintained a viselike grip on my imagination. Some people probably wish for Gillyweed, or to be able to Transfigure, or for the Floo Network to be real. But for me, it has always been about the Room of Requirement. And this, I have learned, is exactly what I want the Pallas Network to be, a safe space for women to ask for what they want or need.
I am now convinced that asking for what you need, along with spreading positive gossip and creating the feminist shadow economy are three major pillars for how we as women can band together to beat the Patriarchy while they aren’t even looking.
So here’s the thing: I need your help. Can I ask that of you? People seem to really like this newsletter, but it’s hard to pull together, especially the jobs portion of it. So I have created an easy to complete form that you can use to tell me about jobs that should be in this newsletter. Your participation will help me pull these newsletters together far more quickly and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart!
And that’s what I need. It feels good to ask for what you need! So if there’s anything you need, feel free to reply to this email or to join us on the Group and let us know. We’re here for you. Together we can make magic!
This essay first appeared as the intro to Pallas List email number 27.
The Pallas List is a bi-weekly newsletter of the Pallas Network. Our goal is to connect women one-to-one with people that can refer them to the job of their dreams. As a side benefit, we also hope to add a little motivation! If you feel so motivated, please send along any job opportunities you may have. My inbox is always open: ann@pallasnetwork.com xo — Ann
