This is how people push themselves away from success
and become bitter as a result.
At this point, I think it’s fair to say that we are all too familiar with the feeling of wanting success, but the more we want it, the more elusive it becomes. What’s up with that?
In my last article, I’ve said that one doesn’t need to leave their comfort zone in order to become successful, as it’s something all of us get to determine for ourselves. Someone else’s success isn’t the same as yours or mine, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean that it’s only accomplished by those that are considered “strong” by society’s standards.
Now, if you were to judge me from that article alone, you’d find it hard to believe that I have spent the majority of my life out of my comfort zone. I’m known for working really hard, but slowly, I have noticed myself apologising to group mates and colleagues for not putting in the quality of work I’m used to.
Little did I know that deep down something was manifesting. Something different than the mental health issues I have become way too familiar with ever since I was small.
Note: I am trying something new and this time I wanted to include a personal story for context. If the words “I”, “my” etc. repulses or disgusts you, I invite you to skip this article and read one of my other ones.
A short story…
I have grown up in an environment where the premier notion was to voluntarily struggle and work as hard as possible to climb the status ladder. And popular belief is that the only way to do this is through school. This naturally led to me feeling quite burnt out around my time in high-school, especially after my grandmother had gotten a stroke and passed away a few years later. I moved to the Netherlands to study and the whole situation became worse. After ignoring my symptoms for years, I have reached a point where things got so bad, that the harder I tried, the harder I failed.
First, it started with depersonalisation, derealisation and disassociation. As if that wasn’t scary enough, physical symptoms started emerging; my ears were ringing and my head was spinning like it never has before — it felt as if my brain was inflamed and that pressure was constantly increasing. My quality of sleep was already bad at this point, but it deteriorated even more alongside my ability to speak normally and focus on anything for days at a time. In a nutshell, I was a mess that needed help. And when professionals couldn’t provide me with the answers I was looking for after a series of tests and scans I became a paranoid that became easily overwhelmed by the smallest things.
See, the idea of working really hard was so prominent even during my childhood, that I felt like an imposter in my daily life. As a child, I could see right through society’s superficiality and bullshit. And for my age, I find that I was asking really big questions that are still problems two decades later.
People around me didn’t appreciate having their ideas being challenged by a kid. I couldn’t find anyone with similar opinions to mine and I really thought that something was wrong with me. They convinced me that because they were older, they knew better and just like that, I have listened to many other things they had to say, and let them instil their desires and fears within me.
I have recently spoken to my cousin who has stayed behind on the islands. And since me, my friends and everyone I went to school with is struggling, I decided to ask her how she’s doing.
Not that I was expecting differently, but much to my surprise, she’s doing fine, is about to graduate and start working in a few months. As the conversation deepened, we were able to determine that she was able to stay steadfast on her dreams because of the lack of options and much lesser distractions back on the islands.
From my own experience, I have come to acknowledge over the years that analysis paralysis is a real thing. But as I got to ponder a bit after our conversation, I got to think about other factors such as workforce saturation and what seems to be the quickly approaching recession that doesn’t seem to be much of a problem back there. So I felt like I had to dig deeper to determine the other main factor at play.
And as I did so, I couldn’t help but go back and reminisce the time we had spent together growing up. She always knew what she had wanted to be and every now and then I’d say something different. I wanted to be a lawyer, a judge, a lobbyist, a flight attendant, a surgeon, a journalist etc. Pretty much anything I could think of that seemed cool, and that got some sort of “approval” from adults around me.
Not knowing what I wanted has remained a constant throughout my life; an astronaut and an architect were the only positions that stuck the most though. Regardless, someone always felt like it would be necessary to let me know that I have to remain realistic and that I couldn’t just do certain things because of my gender, skin colour and other features.
This reminded me of what AlexanderHeyne mentioned in his book Milk the Pigeon;
“Why is that as children we all naturally dream big and tell mommy, “I wanna be an astronaut!” Because as kids no one has the heart to say you can’t to a child.
It’s just not socially acceptable. You’d be an asshole if you told a kid that.”
These words resonated with me. Not because they made sense, but because it made me notice that I was the asshole all along. See, the fact that I was surrounded by assholes bothered me, and I wanted to surround myself with lighthearted people that brought the best out in me. As true as this is, I realised that this mentality included blaming others for something that I was responsible for.
Prior to my Stoicism discovery, I was not aware of what I could and couldn’t control, but now that I know better, I know not to pity myself, attempt controlling other people’s actions and the aftermath of past occurrences. I chose to listen to and believe what these people had to say. Every decision I made, was purely future-based, never have I looked at the present moment and at how I felt. Every time I wanted to do so, I was reminded that school was the only priority. But later in life, I realised that what I am in control of are my emotions and how I interpret life’s circumstances.
Even after I had determined to start programming for a living, I still felt like it was the wrong path (due to ethical reasons) and I felt like I needed to recalibrate my priorities.
See, the fact that I had so many options in the Netherlands wasn’t the sole problem. I was not listening to my own intuition despite all the attempts it had made to get my attention. The fact that I was anxious, depressed and burnt out for quite some time, only made matters worse.
I felt like a robot following orders, competing for a prize I wasn’t aware of and actually, deep down didn’t give a shit about either. I wasn’t content because I wasn’t doing what I wanted, and I didn’t know what I wanted because I spent my life listening to people that were unhappy, unfulfilled and malcontent about their own shortcomings.
How I dealt with this cataclysm once and for all
To make things clear, yes, my messed up childhood affected my early adulthood. But no, I wasn’t born with a terrible deck of cards. And even if it were, I now possess the power to do things differently. I’m not trying to bash family members, bullies, teachers etc. as they did what they thought was best — which was following the flock. Following the flock never worked for me. My streak of “failure” is a clear proof for that.
I could not continue overworking in a no-future-job, doing tasks that are mostly unethical, for ungrateful bosses and just get money in return to waste it on useless, mundane things.
Something had to change.
I felt like my only option was to stop.
So this time I listened, and I stopped…
Not stop and continue the same trajectory. No, completely stop, so I could analyse when things started going awry and for what reason.
I discarded every belief that wasn’t mine and came up with a sequence of questions that made more sense to me. Instead of finding out the “how”, “what”, “why”, I started focussing on the “what” and “why”. And if necessary, the “how”.
Of course, things didn’t happen overnight, but I later noticed that I didn’t have to blame others, my mental complications, society or the fact that College/University is a scam for my predicaments.
Healing became my priority. I felt like being out of my comfort zone made me feel delusional, ignorant and arrogant. I know this isn’t everyone’s experience. But as I kept getting stuck and my life turned into tighter knots, I knew it’d be wise to take a different approach in an attempt to return back to myself.
As a sceptic, I didn’t want to take the money I didn’t have to go on a retreat or pay a mentor or coach astronomical amounts. These niches exist, and their prices are high because people left and right are breaking down and are in crises.
There is a true problem and I’m sick and tired of hearing shitty advice — especially the ones telling people that they are “weak” and “inept” for life because they can’t keep up with society’s hecticness and standards. This causes people to think they are alone in this, while if we were more honest and less superficial, we’d see that it couldn’t be more relatable.
Instead, I chose to believe that I already possessed the information I needed. The Universe is always trying to make us aware by throwing subtle signs our way, but we need to be in an accepting mindset to receive it.
My journey healing and returning to centre
Now that I am in a better state in which I can look back at things objectively and not get sucked in deeper, I can go back and observe with the hopes that I can help someone avoid this nightmare. I had a hunch that I was missing a link all of these years, and I’ve finally found it.
I can’t say that I am particularly my definition of “successful” at the moment, but I have reached a point where I am content and confident every single day without the help of antidepressants and the countless psychiatrists and psychologists I’ve had to visit. Which I dare say, is a pretty neat accomplishment on its own, because a single hour couldn’t pass without me being a wreck.
I attribute my recovery to a lot of things, but I can tell you that my healing started in early 2018. After years and years of trial and error, here are the things that worked for me;
I stopped giving a shit
This doesn’t mean that I stopped caring, but I have started putting myself first and loving myself unconditionally for the first time. People’s cold stares don’t have the same effect on me anymore, and I’m overall more comfortable in my own skin.
I don’t have a job at the moment, but when I do get one again, I know that I won’t be working past hours, while commuting or during weekends. Hard work is not rewarded — these are times I now invest in my mom, my partner and myself. If it means that I’ll lose some friendships over the fact that I need some idle time for my mind, then so be it, because I don’t want any association with shallowness.
Talking about shallowness; I stopped lying to myself as well. The larger part of the world is not genuine, and that is not because of technological advancements, it’s what every generation has dealt with. I can’t say that I’ve been a huge liar. But I have felt pressured to keep up with appearances, and that is also a form of lying. I’m a very blunt person, and as I developed a better sense of self-awareness, I realised that I wasn’t just lying to myself — a part of me wanted to start believing these lies I was putting up for the world to see.
I stopped trying to control the uncontrollable
As a perfectionistic control freak seeing my life and health crumble, I felt miserable. I felt forced to let go of control, and I wasn’t okay with it at all. It wasn’t until later when I found Stoicism, that I accepted it peacefully and without hesitation. I respect that things can happen differently than expected and I don’t need to get upset over meaningless matters because that would mean that I’m entitled and trying to control things outside of my scope of control.
I stopped resisting and I started following my intuition
Without noticing, the people that we hang out with, the society that we live in brushes off on us and their ideals strengthen within us. Modern culture encourages us to get out of our comfort zones and enter the rat race.
Take it from someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression for the larger part of her life; if you follow someone else’s advice without consulting your intuition first, you’ll get caught in a vicious loop where you’ll be plagued by regrets and uncertainty. You’ll notice by how the life you’ve made for yourself annoys you and how you’ll become desperate for escape found in non-lasting pleasurable activities.
Think about it and start being honest with yourself. Is the above something you really want to leave your comfort zone and volunteer for?
I’m not saying stop listening to people entirely. For instance, in logical situations where someone tells you “don’t jump off a cliff” — assuming that there isn’t a worser danger on the cliff itself — it’s best not to do so otherwise, you’ll be dealing with excruciating pain.
All I’m saying is that there’s nothing more liberating than living your life the way you are supposed to live it.
I stopped taking things for granted
Even though I was raised religious, I cannot remember a single time where I was genuinely grateful for being alive and well. In fact, now that I don’t consider religion a part of my life, now I am more grateful and humbler than ever. Thanks to the Universe, I now share love, have more patience and compassion with fellow creatures that I coexist with without expecting anything in return.
I stopped holding on to clutter
From clutter to unnecessary interactions, I have given all of those up and implemented minimalism to my life and mind. With all that has been going on with my head, I started jotting down thoughts, tasks and ideas in a journal. I’ve started reflecting and meditating more and being more mindful with everything I do on a daily basis.
I started accepting everything
This might sound weird, and till this day I still don’t have a clue or explanation for what had happened. But shortly after I started keeping an intuition journal, I heard a voice from deep within tell me that I was ready. I wasn’t certain what I was ready for, but now, looking back and reflecting, I remember that after a few months, I was finally ready to say goodbye to my grandmother after 7 years of mourning her death.
Sometime later, the same voice told me that “my depression is a blessing”. I now believe this to have been my heart speaking, which mind you, is not something I have experienced so strongly before — if ever.
As surprised as I still am more than a year later, every time I feel a certain way, I allow myself to feel and not resist undesired emotions, circumstances or odds. The reason for this is because they are all part of the process that Fate has pre-planned. Fighting and resisting have no sense; we all know that the likelihood of life without adversity is close to impossible.
You have to find solace in the notion that things usually don’t go as expected. You’re not on Earth alone, and you have to be okay with playing nice. When you fail, someone else wins, and for you to win, someone else has to fail. It might be hard adjusting to this, however, it’s just how life is. Deep down, how I see it is that you’re either being grateful or that you’re renouncing the process needed to make you you. Acceptance brings clarity, acceptance sets you free.
David Taylor couldn’t have said it better in his book How to be Successful by being Yourself; “When you love what is, the war is over”.
This is Wisdom I have acquired over my 26 years of existence. Again, take these with a grain of salt as I am by no means successful, and definitely not the kind society wants me to be anyway. I have resisted my purpose long enough, but I am finally pursuing it by writing these articles. My purpose is to bring value to others by writing and creating things that are worthwhile. And they are worthwhile if they can help someone out there that is (or will be) going through something similar. Heck, if this is useful enough to save someone’s life one day, I would just feel honoured.
I, myself, have had many instances where I wanted to end it all. With me being as young as 5 when I attempted for the first time. I remember being frightened — I had no idea what I was doing. But it felt natural, as I tried piercing my chest and heart with a butter-knife…
Significant progress was made ever since, and if I could travel in time and tell that kid a couple of things, I know exactly what to say; “You might not know what this feeling is and that’s fine. Some of your biggest fears will come true and to deal with the pain you’ll do some stupid things. Those that matter will have your back. At some point, it may seem like you’re wasting time, but you’ll be ready, your depression is a blessing…”.
As for me personally, at this moment in time, I am happy for everything I had to endure so far because I was able to learn a few very valuable lessons. Some of my biggest fears came true, it hurt, but the world didn’t end.
The fact that you are reading this right now means that you have been given another chance by the Universe to acknowledge the authenticity of your goals and move away from bitterness. Let this be your heart’s voice telling you that you are ready to face anything needed to bring you one step closer to Mastering Yourself - not anyone’s idea of what your life should be like.
I encourage you to explore, listen to your intuition and try new things. Anything works, as long as you’re creative and still in the game. It’s when you quit that you have truly failed and are unsuccessful.
Thanks for reading, have a nice day! 🖖
