Stop That Sneaky Monster in Your Mind!
Why We Discourage Others and How to Avoid Doing It
Can you remember those days when you wake up and feel pumped about an idea you had? But then when you share it with your friend, they tell you: “That’s not going to work because you need tons of money to make this happen.” And your friend continues, telling you that you are aiming too high, and you should be more down to earth, focusing on something easier to achieve. And with hearing every other sentence, your enthusiasm is fading away bit by bit. I am pretty sure something similar happened to you at some point in your life.
And sometimes we don’t even realize it. We just move on with our lives, and maybe we won’t try again contemplating those “stupid” ideas. If you recognize yourself, you might find these tips useful.
Wouldn’t it be great if instead of discouraging you, this same friend would say that they believe in you? That they are sure, you can find a way to make it happen if you really set yourself up for it? You’d probably feel even more pumped after hearing that! And isn’t it what loved ones are supposed to do by the way?
I’m pretty sure encouraging each other is one of the main tasks in the “job description” of a friend.
So why wouldn’t they do it? 🤷♀️
Well, the story is quite complex, actually. After collecting more than a hundred stories about encouragement, we’ve learned a great deal about discouragement too.
Discouragement is a sneaky monster that comes in different forms
Often it comes in the form of questions:
Isn’t there something easier you’d rather focus on?
Isn’t that something that only very few people succeed in?
But what if….. (fill in here anything that can go wrong)?
Other times it comes in the form of warnings:
This will be very hard for you to do!
It would be so painful if you just ended up wasting your time!
Hearing such things is like swallowing bitter pills. The people who care about us don’t intentionally want to make us feel awful, though. So why do they discourage us? Let us share what we found.
Side note: there are people who intentionally discourage others from pursuing their dreams. Mean, manipulating people exist, we know that. But we’re not here to talk about them.
It’s because of that underlying emotion
In most cases, there is an underlying emotion that unintentionally turns into a discouraging comment. A very common underlying emotion is feeling protective of someone. If you care about someone, you wouldn’t want them to be hurt or fail at something, right? Of course not. You want your loved ones to be safe, happy, and successful.
So when a good friend of yours is telling you about a new adventure that excites them, your brain will immediately detect the potential threats of that adventure.
And you can’t help it but immediately think of all the things that can go wrong for your friend…
Your thoughts will likely be even more negative if you have had a bad experience with a similar adventure. You’ll think back to how awful it was for you, how you swore to yourself never try something like that again, and you’re going to project that fear you developed to your friend.
Discouraging someone as a result of feeling protective of them is a behavior that happens in all kinds of relationships. It’s a widely talked about topic in parenting too. The so-called helicopter parents 🚁 are extremely closely involved in their children’s lives out of the purely good intention of providing them a safe environment. Often this also means that the parents discourage their kids from engaging in activities that pose any kind of risk to them. As a result, these kids grow up with poor judgment and decision making skills.
We’ve heard several stories from people who were discouraged by friends and family when they told them they wanted to move abroad. 🌏
I have to say, having moved countries a few times in the past years, I definitely experienced this myself. In these cases, that underlying emotion that unintentionally turned into discouragement was the fear of losing someone.
I know for sure that neither my parents nor my friends wanted to discourage me from moving just for the sake of it. They were simply imagining how the new scenario would look like, what the long distance and the time zone difference would mean. And they realized that our relationship would be different, and they were not sure how we would manage to still be in touch in this new scenario.
I must admit, I’ve definitely been on the other side as well…
Our fear of losing someone can kick in in so many scenarios.
Your best friend gets into a serious relationship, and you’re worried they won’t have enough time anymore to hang out with you.
Your spouse decides to pursue a demanding career path, and you worry they won’t have enough time for the family.
Your girlfriend gets into an elite school, and you fear you won’t be educated enough for her, and this will eventually drive a wedge between you two. Btw, there are a surprising amount of questions in this topic on Quora (here’s an example).
I ask you to take a moment here to think if you’ve ever experienced this fear…
Unless you’re a super sophisticated, 2.0 improved version of a human, I’m guessing you’ve had similar fears in your life. But don’t worry! 😉
Being protective of our loved ones and fearing the unknown is just human nature. That doesn’t mean though that we cannot improve our responses in these situations!
So what can you do?
Next time you find yourself in a situation where a friend shares with you their dream with excitement, but your protective instincts and fears kick in, try to avoid discouraging them. Here’s how. 💡
When your first concern pops up, resist the urge to say it out loud unfiltered. I’m definitely not asking you to suppress your worries completely to fake a positive reaction. Just reframe them.
For instance, if you’re worried that your friend is aiming too high and won’t be able to succeed, instead of telling them that you can:
Highlight how inspiring it is that they dream big and ask what’s their plan.
Or you can ask what attracts them specifically in that challenging task.
Or ask what they’ll need to be able to achieve that dream.
If you find yourself fearing of losing your loved one once they embark on their new journey, just simply ask how this will impact your relationship and how you can work out something together.
I know overcoming protective instincts and fears is not easy. I also find myself regularly failing at it 🙈
Realizing what you’re doing, though, is the first step, and it’s the most crucial one!
Once you have that self-awareness, it will become easier and easier as you practice it, and eventually, you will develop a healthy habit that will have a long-lasting positive impact on your relationships. 🧡
If you’re interested in reading more about how encouragement impacts our lives, relationships, self-image, hopes, and dreams, follow our publication:
👉 The Power of Encouragement
We have new posts every week, stay tuned! 📣
