Why does anyone else exist? Image from Wikia.

Riverdale: Everyone Is Useless Except Betty

Season 2, Episode 2

Greetings, folks, and welcome to The Queue’s official coverage of Riverdale season two. The second episode of season two had gun trafficking, drug deals, and even more Pop Tate, so let’s jump into it.

If you’re still catching up on what this is and who I am and what Riverdale is, I suggest this post, this post, and this post.

And obviously, spoilers follow, so don’t read ahead if you hate knowing shit.

Episode Overview in Haiku Form

Y’all know I dig a haiku:

Pretty boring ep,

Betty for president, y’all,

Parents are the worst.

The 5X5

This section breaks down the top five things you need to know from this episode:

  • Everyone is shocked that Archie isn’t acting normal after his dad and former lover are shot (okay, few know about the former lover thing), and he’s galavanting around this town with sus figures.
  • The repetitive push-and-pull between Veronica and her parents has already gotten mighty boring, so let me make this prediction in advance: Veronica will realize both of her parents are the devil incarnate. She’ll turn against them with the help of her trusty Scooby gang. They’ll take them both down in dramatic fashion.
  • Jughead (by way of girlfriend Betty blackmailing Cheryl) was able to get his dad a hearing on his case. I don’t really care too much about FP, but Jughead also looks mighty fine in a fry cook uniform, so I’ll deal.
  • Betty’s face when blackmailing Cheryl was gold. So was Cheryl’s line afterwards: “You’re a stone-cold bitch, Betty Cooper.” Okay, does Betty have to literally do everything on this show?
  • So basically all the parents belong in the ninth circle of hell. Alice Cooper essentially ruins her daughter’s exciting Pop’s reopening. Both of Veronica’s parents are evil. Sheriff Keller doesn’t believe jack shit of Archie’s story. Mayor McCoy was a total asshat to Betty and Jughead. The list goes on and on.

Camila Mendes Eyebrows Update

Okay, I’m actually going to give this section to Lili Reinhart as Betty Cooper, whose right eyebrow raise during Cheryl’s victim testimony at the courthouse was top notch. It was a thing of beauty. Mendes should take tips.

The Most Interesting Thing Archie Did in This Episode

Bought a handgun off of a fucking teenage Boy Scout troop leader. What in God’s name is this show?!

Artsy White Fuckboy Jughead Line of the Week

“That’s very Rain Man of you, Pop.” Y’all knew some sort of obscure reference that no 15-year-old (aka a youth supposedly born in 2002) would know was going to happen early on this season. Unsurprisingly, it came from none other than Forsythe Pendleton Jones III.

Pretentious Film Observation of the Week

I took exactly one film class in college during my freshman year and I’m trying to pretend I learned things from it that I still remember.

Today’s episode was pretty boring in my opinion; it seemed to be mostly setting up a “new normal” for our characters after the events from the premiere and the last season’s finale. Betty’s mom still sucks, Archie’s a damn mess, Veronica is wildly suspicious of her parents, Jughead is relying too much on his gang buddies, etc.

One interesting part of this episode: It seemed to be all about one-on-one dialogue between strange pairings that we’ve either never seen before or rarely ever see. Case and point:

  • Jughead and this lawyer lady.
  • Archie and Sheriff Keller.
  • Archie and New Reggie.
  • Cheryl and Betty.
  • Jughead and Veronica.

Why this is a good thing overall: As much as I’m a Bughead fan and as much as I’m tolerating Varchie (Archie is and always was useless in that relationship), it was going to get very stale really quickly if everyone talked to the same three characters in every episode. Some variety here is good. There’s more to explore over the next 20 episodes.

Analysis ’n’ Stuff

This is the section where I give my random thoughts and track a few things throughout the series.

Arrest Him, Damnit

I just need a little bit of space to ask WHAT SCOUNDREL DESECRATED POP TATE’S DINER?

POC Update

Mayor McCoy got some airtime this episode, and she spent it being a Grade A jerk to two 15-year-olds. Meanwhile, her daughter Josie is suddenly on the River Vixens and is being submissive to Cheryl. Veronica’s dad Hiram said “mija” at least five times, which seems to continue to be the show’s calling card for “Look, diversity!”

But fear not: We got a Josie and the Pussycats performance! Cheryl filled in for Valerie (weird), but the sweet version of the very not sweet song “Milkshake” by Kelis was an old school Riverdale throwback. We’ve had more murders this season than Pussycat performances.

We also got our first look at New Reggie, played by Charles Melton after Ross Butler left to pursue his role on 13 Reasons Why. The verdict? Suddenly Reggie went from being an annoying run-of-the-mill jock to a slimy drug dealer. There’s nothing wrong with Melton’s interpretation of the character; it’s just a 180-degree departure from Butler’s version.

Annnnnd Grundy Isn’t Really a Plot Point

Welp, I guess it makes sense: After her death was used as a shocking cliffhanger in the season premiere, Geraldine Grundy has gone back into the recesses of Riverdale plot past.

GG use as a helpful plot point lasted all of about 5.7 seconds, so I guess we can finally close that sordid chapter of Riverdale’s storyboarding history.

J and V?

What is this Veronica and Jughead chat? It reminds me of that episode of How I Met Your Mother episode where Marshall and Robin go out to dinner to prove that they are really friends despite never hanging out one-on-one together. Veronica and Jughead are kinda like complimentary colors on opposite sides of the color wheel. Now I’m just praying they don’t end up dating during season four of this show because you know that’s coming.

WTF Dilton

And in another blast from the past, Dilton Doiley made an appearance, and now he’s a GUN TRAFFICKER. Dafuq?

Two More Down

Jesus, how many people is this masked dude going to kill?! Two rando Riverdale high schoolers, Moose and Midget, were shot at point blank range by the hood-ski-mask-can’t-keep-track-of-what-to-call-it guy, which brings us to three dead people in two episodes. That’s quite a rate to keep up over the course of almost two dozen episodes.

Kevin Keller Tracker

Kevin Keller, despite supposedly being a series regular on this season, had only one line in this episode: “Oh my God!” he exclaimed after the principal announced Miss Grundy’s death. That puts him at exactly two lines in two episodes of television, tying him with the same number of lines as the Riverdale coroner, Smithers the (now former) butler, and the girl who died in this episode when she asked New Reggie for drugs.

How we feeling, folks? And better yet, how are we feeling with 20 episodes left to go?

Why use Riverdale as a jumping off point out of the bazillion television programs out there? I break down that big decision here.

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