Riverdale: Lighten Up, It’s Just Murder
Season 2, Episode 1
Greetings, folks, and welcome to The Queue’s official coverage of Riverdale season two. I’m kicking things off with the premiere episode, which had lots of murder-y stuff, women telling their moms to GTFO, and some sex thrown in (kinda?).
If you’re still catching up on what this is and who I am and what Riverdale is, I suggest this post, this post, and this post.
And obviously, spoilers follow, so don’t read ahead if you hate knowing shit.
Episode Overview in Haiku Form
Y’all know I dig a haiku:
Fred is dead? Hell no.
V and C dragged their mothers.
Kevin got few lines.
The 5X5
This section breaks down the top five things you need to know from this episode:
- Fred Andrews lives! I mean, we all knew this was going to happen, but I’m glad the ~anticipation~ is over. Were they really going to let Nice Older Guy Who Once Starred On A Famous 90s Show go?
- After setting her own mansion on fire and getting out with her mom, Cheryl somehow got her mom back inside and let that woman be BURNED ALIVE. Cold-blooded? Hot-blooded? I don’t even know. And then there was the separate scene where Cheryl rips her mother for being abusive and threatens her while cutting off her oxygen supply at the hospital: “You were cruel to me, mother. It was abuse, plain and simple.” Vicious AF.
- Speaking of young ladies who stood up to their overbearing mothers, Veronica was ruthless: “What are we praying for?” she asked her mom in the hospital chapel. “Fred’s speedy recovery or a quick death?” DAMN, V. The ladies of Riverdale has no time for their moms in their premiere. And as I predicted in my season preview, Hermione Lodge’s evilness has started to show.
- Bughead still didn’t do the nasty. But Jughead did ride a motorcycle and wear a helmet that had his signature crown on it. I know I’m not the only one still trying to unpack the weird feelings they have when seeing Cole Sprouse onscreen. I’m still shook from last season’s finale scene where he put the serpent jacket on.
- Yooooo, talk about a damn plot twist at the end: Not only does predator Geraldine Grundy make an appearance, but then she gets MURDERED. And get this: It’s by the same dude who tried to murder Fred. ~$P00KY~
Camila Mendes Eyebrows Update
Camila Mendes has Kardashian-level eyebrows that should be celebrated. Behold, my weekly ode to those suckers.
Mendes starts off the season with a strong eyebrow game. Her brows were furrowed through most of this episode, but this is the first glimpse we get. The left one (er, our left?) seems to get a little more expressive at times, but her brows can’t help that.
My one question is post-steamy shower scene a la Archie: How did she not have to fill them in at all? Are they really that full to begin with? Her parents might be evil, but oh how they #blessed her.
The Most Interesting Thing Archie Did in This Episode
The dude drove his bullet-wounded father to the hospital despite not having a driver’s license. Vanilla fuccboi gets a lil’ bump in this gal’s book.
That said, if every episode this season features this much Archie and this little of everyone else, the Lord can take me instead of Fred Andrews.
Artsy White Fuckboy Jughead Line of the Week
Honestly, I don’t really have anything to put here, and I’m sad. Jughead spent most of this episode doing that “am I angsty or am I just constipated” look. There was lots of ~meaningful staring~.
Pretentious Film Observation of the Week
I took exactly one film class in college during my freshman year and I’m trying to pretend I learned things from it that I still remember.
This week’s episode featured two very overused devices (one cinematic and one plot-related):
- How many artsy shots of bloody limbs did this episode need? We got a close-up of Fred’s hand on the window of his car, a close-up of Archie’s bloody cast while he was sitting in the hospital waiting room, the list goes on and on. Also, the weird lighting and fog effects they use on set made the fake blood look almost pinkish-red in color. If they were going for campy, it looked campy to the max.
- We could’ve done without Fred’s dream sequences, which were all centered around him missing milestones and being reminded of death. Literally the only thing we got out of that sequence was that wedding scene, which was included in teaser trailers; they served no other purpose. These scenes were an attempt at emotional weight, but they fell flat, especially because the only dream sequence we have to compare it to was the really well-executed (though still random) one from last season, where Jughead pictured everyone in his life as their actual 1950s Archie comic book character selves. And if I’m being real here, does anyone really care about the parents’ storylines when they don’t involve the kids? So even if they’d killed off Luke Perry, would fans really have shrieked in anguish?
Riverdale is at its best when it’s doing the most for no reason, but it doesn’t need to try to be more than it is in terms of symbolism.
Analysis ’n’ Stuff
This is the section where I give my random thoughts and track a few things throughout the series.
Talking Shop
Okay, from the film side of things here, I had three major observations:
- The pacing of this episode was much slower than anything from season one. This, however, makes sense: Writers have to span storylines across 22 episodes instead of 13. I think it’ll take a little getting used to, but the fact that literally everyone on this show is the shadiest bitch ever will keep our lil’ Scooby gang busy this season.
- That said, if every episode features 47 minutes of commercials like this one did, I may melt into a puddle and evaporate into nothingness.
- I definitely get the campy vibe that members of the cast and crew teased leading up to this season. I mean, the nurses in that “hospital” were wearing candy stripe uniforms, for crying out loud. Also, that hospital looked unsterile AF.
Yas, Cheryl, Yaaaaas
The three readers of my season preview know that I’m a huge fan of Cheryl, and despite the fact that she didn’t even appear until minute 25, she did not disappoint.
Cheryl was in this episode for maybe four minutes tops, and she got to do it all:
- She let us know that she somehow got her mother burned alive in the mansion she set on fire.
- She cut off her mother’s oxygen to threaten her and tell her that she wasn’t standing for her abuse anymore.
- She ended up in Fred Andrews’ hospital room to give him the “kiss of life” in an effort to “pay Archie back” from when he gave her CPR and saved her when she tried to drown herself in Sweetwater River in the season one finale.
She had the least amount airtime of any season regular (except poor Kevin Keller, whose sole purpose in this episode was to ask Betty if she got laid) and already has me conflicted as hell. On the one hand, it’s empowering to see someone who was abused taking charge. On the other hand, making sure your mother gets severe third-degree burns from a fire you started is 50 shades of fucked up in the head.
Seriously, Betty?
For a self-proclaimed Nancy Drew, Betty didn’t give too much thought as to why it might be a bad idea to tell her mom about almost sleeping with Jughead and witnessing him getting semi-initiated into a gang. Do you, Betty Cooper.
Uh, Yes, I Have a Question About Pop’s
So a dude casually got, um, SHOT at a diner and the place wasn’t a crime scene by the time Betty and Jughead showed up to look for Fred’s wallet…? I know this is a podunk town with a sketchy sheriff, but seriously? I’ve watched enough episodes of Law & Order SVU, Snapped, and NCIS to know you secure that shit.
POC Update
I’d just like to say that Josie and the Pussycats didn’t appear in this episode until minute 35, and they had roughly 3.7 lines. Pop Tate had a more prominent role in this episode than he did during the entire first season, and I’m very here for this. I’ll get to Herminoe and Hiram Lodge in a sec. And then we got a brief glimpse of New Reggie™ (aka Charles Melton) in the dream wedding sequence, but that was about it for people of color on this show.
We also got Hermione Lodge speaking some Spanish, so I think producers want us to take this as a diversity win? And then Hiram was veiled in darkness for whatever reason when he was first introduced, which was pointless because then we saw his face 20 seconds later, and all of us have known for months that Mark Consuelos was in this role. BUT ANYWAY.
The Sex Stuff
This episode had more steamy sex-related material in the first 25 minutes of than 12.95 episodes last season. I didn’t know any high school sophomores who were casually taking showers with their boyfriends when I was that age, but then again, I thought drinking a single Mike’s Hard Lemonade at a party was the baddest shit a 15-year-old gal could do back in the day. Perhaps I’m overruled.
Grundy’s Back, Back, Back. Back Again. (For Literally 90 Seconds)
My real-time viewing notes about the Grundy twist put it best: “SWEET JESUS, MISS GRUNDY DID IN FACT MAKE A RETURN. HOLY SHIT. WHAT?!?!?!”
I didn’t think there was anything else particularly jaw-dropping about this premiere, but when good ol’ GG, not seen since episode four of last season, returned to prey on a teenage boy once again and then got freaking MURDERED by the not-a-ski-mask-but-it’s-a-ski-mask guy, I actually started yelling. YELLING.
I also give myself major props for talking about Geraldine in my preview for this season. I can’t say I’m gonna miss her (I found her Archie-forbidden-love plot to be unoriginal, creepy, and downright unnecessary), but I’m glad her presence (or, uh, lack of presence) is driving an actual storyline.
Anyway, until next time, I’m pouring one out for Yung Geraldine. See y’all in a week.
