Bogan Bible — Matthew 6:19–24
The Book of Matthew (Q)
Treasures in Heaven
19 “Do not store up your cash, your diamond rings, or your vinyl copies of Led Zeppelin IV in your safe or under your Ikea bed, because that’s where thieves can break in and steal your shit.
20 Try a safe deposit box, or a bank account, but Dad says he’d be happy to mind your stuff upstairs for ya. He’s got a large self-storage facility. He’ll give you a good rate.
21 For where your Led Zeppelin IV is, there your heart will be also.
22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. Or the halogen globe. Dunno who uses lamps anymore. If your eyes are healthy and free of cataracts, then your whole body will be pretty healthy.
23 This is cause you will be able to see the shit you’re putting in your body, like a tonne of sugar or onion rings, and you’ll be able to see your shitty body become bloated, and then you’ll decide to maybe go on a diet or something. Bit of exercise never hurt anyone.
24 “It’s the same with being a greedy prick with money. No one can serve two masters, unless they’re your parents, or if you’ve got two footy coaches. But if it’s money and like, my Dad, then you can’t. Physically impossible. It’s like saying you enjoy warm ciders over a nice, cold beer. Make up your minds, you dingoes.
Matt Querzoli is re-writing the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has rewritten Treasures In Heaven. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
