Bogan Bible — Matthew 7:1–6
The Book of Matthew (Q)
Judging Others
1 “Do not judge, or you will also be judged. Unless you’re on a jury, then you should probably judge. Or if you’re a judge, then judge. Or if you mate is drinking cider when there is clearly full-strength beer available. And perhaps when someone’s chosen to park across two spaces. Or when someone’s paying with a bunch of coins and there’s a long line.
2 So yeah, if you’re judging someone and it’s not for one of those things, then you’re an asshole. You don’t know them. You don’t know how they have suffered, or haven’t suffered. You don’t know their story. I can assure you it’s not the Disney adventure you’ve assumed it might be.
3 “It’s like if your brother is smashing a pie, right, and he’s got some food on his face. Take the own pie out of your mouth first and clean your filthy sausage fingers before trying to get the food off his face.
4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me get that bit of food for you mate,’ when all the time you’re shoving food down your own gob?
5 You bloody hypocrite, first take pie out of your face, and then you can clearly communicate to the bloke that he’s got something on his face and ask if you can remove it for him.
6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. And that’s not really good, because someone would probably mention at your funeral, “At least he died doing what he loved,” and everyone would say, “What the bloody hell are you talking about mate? The bloke got eaten by pigs after throwing some pearlas at them. That’s a shit way to go.”
Matt Querzoli is re-writing the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has rewritten Judging Others. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
