Bogan Bible — Matthew 7:13–20
The Book of Matthew (Q)
The Narrow and Wide Gates
13 “Enter through the narrow gate. It might be a bit of a squeeze for you who like the pies too much, but it’s worth scraping the gut for. And because the wide gate leads you to a path with snakes and shit. Possibly tarantulas. There’s fuck-all pest control down that one.
14 Yeah, so it might be a bit of an effort to squeeze through that other gate, but toughen up and do it anyway.
True and False Prophets
15 “Watch out for false prophets. They’re like con artists, but of the religious kind. So even fucking worse than a normal con artist.
16 What’s with the artist bit anyway? Like, I’ve never gotten art. I mean, yeah sometimes you need to fill a wall. But what’s with the canvas that takes thirty seconds to paint and gets sold for a bloody motza at auction?
17 Is there like a dollar value that you hit before you need to be called an artist?
18 Actually, maybe that’s why con artists are considered artists. Because they start making money from the get-go.
19 Fuck I’m good. Powers of deduction are flawless. Just like my divine powers.
20 Yeah.
Matt Querzoli is re-writing the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has rewritten The Narrow and Wide Gates and True and False Prophets. Follow him or his randy publication if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
