Four moments where I started to understand self-care
This blog was written for The Practical Balance. Self-care is defined by the NHS as keeping fit and healthy both physically and mentally, understanding when you can look after yourself and when you need help.
Over the past two years, more so than before, I’ve had to ask the question of what self-care means to me. Here, I share some of those small moments where I found some answers. I hope you find something in here that resonates.
Moment 1: “I give up. It’s not about feeling better today, it’s about 6 months from now.” (March 2017)
At 6am I rolled out the yoga mat and started searching for videos online. I’d been struggling with bouts of anxiety for the last few months, which had one upside — waking up at the crack of dawn with bags of energy I needed to spend. My shoulder injury had been playing up to some of its worst levels, all of my muscles felt tight from being fixed at my desk, and my mind went from sad and empty to catastrophic thoughts to racing with all the things I needed to do. After staying afloat with a busy social life, running and the occasional cigarette, I could see I was running out of road and was ready to give up. Staying afloat wasn’t helping anymore — it probably never helped at all actually.
I’d been going to yoga classes as a way to relax and strengthen my body over the years, always feeling the endorphins and new-found space in my previously tight muscles immediately. This time, I knew it would be different. I’d have to hurl myself onto that yoga mat and be happy — no, be ok with — feeling the way I felt now, even after the 20 minute routine. I’d have to be ok with doing that every day until it changed. Until I started to feel better, stronger, more balanced bit by bit. Instead of the goal ‘I’ll feel better in a week’, which had worked for me previously, I set myself the goal of ‘I’ll feel better in 6 months’.
My lesson in self-care: sometimes you have to just do the things you believe are right for your future self and sit with how you feel right now, whether that’s feeling uncomfortable in your muscles or your mind. If you believe they will pay off in the future, near or far, keep doing those little things that maybe don’t feel totally amazing at the time. Being patient with yourself and with those self-care activities.
At the time, it didn’t feel like I was being patient with myself or anything as pious as that. It felt like giving up. Giving up on needing to feel better now or tomorrow, hoping that I would feel better eventually and surrendering to doing the things I believed would help.
Moment 2: “The answer is Netflix! How did I not realise this?” (May 2017)
For about five years I had been trying to coax myself into doing exercises for my shoulder recommended by the chiropractor. “It’s the right thing to do”, “you won’t get better if you don’t do it yourself”, “it’s literally 12 minutes of your day!”. Despite saying those things, I still resisted doing them as if my freedom depended on ignoring professional advice. It was just so boring, waiting around for those 12 minutes while I stretched!
Reminders, alarms and incentives didn’t work. On one of those good days where I got ready to do the exercises, I had my phone in my hand (obsessed with Narcos as I was) and it hit me. I went to my Netflix app and watched 12 minutes of Narcos while I did my 12-minute exercise. Later in the day, I did this again. The time flew by and weeks later I really felt the pay off — and the best thing yet, I didn’t even realise I was exercising.
Tapping into that very clear urge to want 12 more minutes to watch something, or listen to a podcast (as I did too) and coupling it with something I hated really was a silver bullet. Nowadays, I don’t need Netflix so much as I’ve now felt the benefits from doing those exercises.
My lesson in self-care: Think about something you enjoy doing or a ‘reward’ and couple that with something you truly hate doing but you know you should.
I am never going to be someone who enjoys doing those exercises. Never. But I do know that I love watching or listening to things that bring me joy, make me laugh or teach me something new. If that aspect of my personality get me to be physically healthier at the same time, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Moment 3: “There’s a difference between being quiet with my thoughts, resting and meditation” (Mazunte, Mexico, June 2017)
I rocked up to the retreat in the small town of Mazunte on the Pacific coast of Mexico blissfully happy. It was 30 degrees, green everywhere and the sound of the sea not far away. I’d signed up for a three day silent meditation and was so ready to shut up after what felt like 18 months of non-stop work.
I’d been dabbling in meditation for a year or so using guided meditations from Headspace and Tara Brach. So the thought of meditating for 7 hours a day sounded totally wonderful. Except, like with a lot of things, the idea is different from the reality.
Having that much time to be silent and meditate actually left with a lot of time with my very noisy thoughts. There was however one session, at sometime in the middle of my time there, where I actually felt what it was like to be in a meditative state. I won’t describe it because my words won’t be able to translate it, but I learnt something really important. For me, there is a difference in how it feels between i) being quiet with my thoughts ii) resting by simply not doing anything or trying to solve a problem and iii) being in a meditative, detached state. All of them have different benefits and I can value all of those states now that I know the difference.
My lesson in self care: It’s ok to not feel that meditative state every time I sit down to meditate. For me, that’s not the reason for doing meditation, and nor is to to get better at achieving that state. Resting and being quiet with my thoughts — giving myself that space — is equally valuable and wonderful. I actually have some of my best ideas and solutions when I’m doing those two things, and it feels more effortless. And in those rarer times when I do feel that true meditative state, I treasure that too.
Moment 4: “wow…that’s what the data says” (January 31 2017).
Inspired by Vix’s New Years newsletter sharing ‘18 goals for 2018’, I set myself a set of things I wanted to do next year that would make my life better in some way. Some were monthly like ‘spend time with my niece and nephew doing something fun that would broaden their horizons’, and some were daily habits.
This is where I tell you I take planning, structure and measuring results very seriously. I can’t organise anything without a spreadsheet or google doc. So for my daily habits, I set up a google form that I could use to check-in with myself. (My friends who read this will laugh knowingly.) Saving it to my home screen, it looked like I’d created my own little app! The questions I asked were:
- Was today a joyful or happy day?
- Did you do or achieve something that matters to you? [What was it]
- What are you grateful for today?
Coming to the end of a whirlwind January, I was feeling a little low. And you know that feeling? When you feel low even for a day or two you feel like you’ve felt that way for ever? I decided to take a look at January’s data and because google forms visualises your results automatically and pretty beautifully, I was able to see this:
I also looked at the things I was grateful for. They were pretty much all people. That’s what brings me joy. That’s what makes life worth living for me. Not purpose, not achieving things and not the things people probably think I pride myself on. I needed to take life less seriously.
My lesson in self care: It’s ok to take life less seriously and just be how I am at that moment. If I’m feeling shitty, it won’t last and I’ll eventually forget those ‘feeling shitty’ feelings when they go away. By and large, life is really beautiful — the data confirms it. I don’t have to feel like I’m ‘wasting’ those days when i’m not 100%. Now, I see the people I love, do things for the sheer joy but absolutely no practical purpose or impact like 🎨ing while singing along to kick-ass 🎵 on my own, or just escape with my book.
It seems to be working ok.
If you take anything thing from this it’s: listen to what’s right for you. Keep doing the things you love or believe in doing. Take a break from it all when you need to. And if, like me, you need reminding that things are generally pretty great, set up a google form 😉
And we’ve made it that even easier for you! Head over here and you’ll find a template. Please save a copy then send the link to your email or whatsapp and open it on your phone. Click on the arrow in the box and click ‘add to home screen’.
