Why Not Love a Lover and Spouse? Part 2
Is it possible to love two things simultaneously?
This is a continuation, to read part one click here.
The word Love, in English, is like an arcade token. You can use it for anything that brings you excitement: cars, cheesecake, chocolate, songs, clothes, shoes.
One can argue, “yeah, but real love is different.” Which is right and also wrong.
Can you love an inanimate object? Yes. The object is the origin and target of desire. It doesn’t feel like a gamble to say, “I love this song.” It feeds a primal need of feeling alive. Many individuals in an affair dynamic will describe their lovers and themselves in this manner.
“They make me feel alive; they make me feel wanted.”
Yet, you don’t love an object all the time. It’s bound by time, space, and emotion. Even though an object can’t reciprocate the feeling of love, it still feels like love, to the person experiencing the feeling of love.
And like all feelings, love is impermanent.
So why run away from describing an affair as love?
It feels like love. It tastes and smells like love. It is love. Just because it’s experienced in an affair setting doesn’t make it “not love.” Truth is, you can’t control what you feel.
So why be afraid of expressing it? Is it possible to love two things simultaneously?
Is it possible to love something impermanent?
The answer is painfully “yes.” You can love multiple things equally in their impermanent value. I love whiskey, and I love wine.
Is one better than the other? Yes, given the circumstance. No, given their inherent impermanence.
Can you love your partner and your lover? Yes, given the circumstance. No, given their inherent impermanence.
This is what loving your affair partner does. It transforms what is traditionally thought of as a monogamous permanent feeling into a polygamous transient experience, where the feeling of love is equal for and spouse and affair partner given time and space. The love token is in play across multiple individuals.
I think this is why people fear falling in love with their affair partners. To love someone other than your spouse makes the primary relationship fleeting, just like the affair relationship. Saying “I Love You” to your affair partner is a hard realization that the permanent nature of your primary relationship was never true.
To love an affair partner means that your spouse could also love someone else. That your affair partner could love someone else. It means your home life and affair life are both fleeting.
This is counter to the nature of marriage. A spouse, by societal standards, is supposed to be your ride-or-die person. To love an affair partner invalidates that construct. Whatever notion of safety is no longer relevant. Everything is impermanent.
This is neither good nor bad. It just is.
During affairs, one can learn to love two, when it feels right. Present tense love. “I love you, now,” significant other or affair partner.
I love you when I’m with you.
I don’t love you when we’re apart.
Is this possible? I think yes.
The key is to know yourself. To really understand the reasons of the affair, and set up healthy and communicative boundaries with your lover as well as your partner. As counter-intuitive as that sounds, it’s the only way be present and treat your self with the respect needed to care for your spouse and lover.
