Submitted for Valentine’s Day Challenge — A LOVE[LY] Submission Call 2018
“That’s just what I needed to hear, thank you!”: A Revelation of Tinder Men’s Beliefs on Love (2nd Place Winner Love and New Beginnings Challenge)
by Perrin Clore Duncan
As a hopeless romantic, I contemplate the idea of love within the context of my generation quite often. Throughout my twenty-two years of life, I have enjoyed attempting to understand the idea of love and how it affects the world on both an individual and holistic basis. I have kept a diary of all my crushes since I could write, I have a list of all the boys I have ever kissed on my phone, and I ask every person I meet how they met their significant other (if they are in a relationship, of course). I feel a rush of excitement when I see a man carrying flowers or when I witness tasteful moments of PDA. I am a true lover of love.
As they have become more widely accepted, I am interested in how dating applications have shifted our ideas about initiation of love and how we navigate romance in an increasingly technological and emotionally isolated world. I live in a town with a population of just over 200 people in the Burren region of County Clare, Ireland. Here, pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts in Studio Art, I am simultaneously absorbed in the pursuit of my work and filled with emptiness fueled by the absence of people my age — particularly men. Though the college I attend is not an all-girls school, there are currently only women enrolled. Many of us who are single have resorted to Tinder and other dating applications in order to meet other young people within a reasonable radius.
Though I know it provides an avenue of greater opportunity for finding love, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed by the lack of romance associated with meeting via a dating app. I would much prefer the serendipitous, fairy-tale, romantic comedy start of a future relationship. I dream about coincidentally sitting next to a cute man on an airplane and sparking up a conversation that turns into a fast-forming adoration or becoming best friends with a guy and slowly realizing we care for each other romantically. Because of my hopes for an interesting personal love story, I have deleted and re-downloaded Tinder several times in the past few years. I have over 2,000 matches, but I have only ever met up with two men I “matched” with through the app. The first experience was odd, slightly uncomfortable, and made me question if I would ever do it again. It happened on the first night of a family trip to New Zealand. He picked me up from the hotel and we broke in to his old university dorm. He pulled a mattress out of an empty bedroom for us to sit on and popped open a bottle of wine. After chatting for an hour, he asked if it was alright if he Snapchatted a picture of me to his friends. I said “sure,” but felt weird about the situation. I counted down the minutes until he was willing and sober enough to drive me home. The second meet-up was too perfect. The guy checked all of my boxes, made me laugh, and treated me kindly. Unfortunately, he either felt differently about the experience or timing has gotten in the way of the relationship becoming something more than a couple of great dates.
As I was contemplating feelings of loneliness and longing for love on an early, misty morning run through my small village, I came up with the idea to ask my Tinder matches what they believe about love. Instead of the generic greeting that a guy may expect from a new match, my matches were greeted with “What do you believe about love?” Despite their response, all who replied received another message from me: “That’s just what I needed to hear, thank you!” Their responses were just what I needed to hear. Some were refreshingly thoughtful, others comical, and a few depressing or vulgar. An overwhelming amount of responses included the phrase “that’s deep” and I’ve received a lovely collection of confused GIFs. I’ve gotten the lyrics of many love songs, which offered great background music as I worked through the documentation process. I received many requests for dates, the reason I am asked such a “personal” question as an opening line, and for my beliefs. I told them that I was trying to figure it out, but I believe love is simultaneously beautiful, tragic, and holding our fragmented world together. As a whole, the responses are intriguing. Over the past month, I’ve documented 500 of them. I am grateful for the honesty and good humor I received through the process of this project and am thankful for the many men who put up with my curiosity. I believe many, if not all, of the responses are worthy of sharing. But, to save you some precious time, I’ve selected some of my favorites. Pardon any grammar errors or typos; these men likely sent these messages using their thumbs.
Ryan, age 24, said “Woah, that’s a unique first question haha. But to answer your question, I believe that love is a constant growing emotion. That it’ll continue until your end. Some people get confused by love and try to run away and end it. When the highs are highs and the lows are lows, two beings just need to be there for each other and allow their love and trust in each other to to grow and mold together. I see it like drawing, you can draw a circle a thousand times, it won’t always be a perfect circle. But it’ll be perfect to you when you get rid of all the defects of it. So in order to love someone, you have to accept their defects and love them for what they are and what they do for you.” As an artist, I appreciated his drawing analogy.
Sam, 23, replied “I believe that love is giving. Not in the since of ‘I gave you a car.’ But in the since I gave, so therefore there is something in you that is me. To me, most other kinds of love are self beneficial and full of self pleasure. Everything has to do with whether or not I am satisfied. Love expands that, it shows in actions and little everyday things. Often times, when one of course, truly loves, they won’t even realize they are. Great question.” I appreciated Sam’s thoughts on love — how it is for oneself and for others.
Lee, who doesn’t share his age on Tinder, said “I believe that despite the huge awful statistics surrounding love, that there are still enough people who truly believe that they will live happily ever after and find the right emotional, physical, mental connection with someone. I’m a firm believer in if someone is your rock, why would you cry on another person’s shoulder. If someone is fun in bed, why would you go to another person’s bed. And if someone is intelligent and exciting, why would you seed another person’s mind. Essay over, haha.” Lee addressed my own fears regarding today’s love statistics, yet affirmed my hope for the possibility of commitment.
Matthew, 25, responded “Well thats an actual question for a change, I appreciate that.
I studied philosophy so you’re getting an in depth answer. Love has many forms, different types of love exist, and most people cannot differentiate the difference between these types in our modern society, love is often misused with lust and usually overused and actual “”love”” is not taken that seriously anymore. I also think you can love everyone, but there are a lot of levels of love in terms of how you connect with people, I love animals, but also love my family and friends, it is a similar love but different none the less. Then there are the deeper types of love which I would only use or describe when with one person at a very intimate level. The problem often with love though is usually only one person is in “”love”” with the other in a relationship, but I think it is possible for both people to be fully in love together if they are able to understand each other fully and both feel a strong connection with one another. Could write more but thats enough for tinder, we can talk more in person if you want, real love cant happen through pixels after all 😉” I didn’t end up meeting up with him, but wouldn’t be opposed to the idea in the future.
One of my favorite responses came from a 28-year-old man named Engin. He gave me a three-point list, “”1. you cannot resist falling in love 2. love is never bidirectional. the one of two loves more. 3. the one loving more feels a lot more pain.” I think anyone who has been in love could relate to this list.
Charlie, 22, made me laugh with his response: “❤That feeling when you crack open a cold one with the baiz.” Stephen, 26, also gave me a good chuckle: “”I believe it kicks me in the balls 🤔.”Oisin, 22, made me smile with his innocent and honest reply. He said, “I believe love is one of the best things you can experience even though I’ve never been in love i do know people who are and when they’re around each other they seem like the happiest people in the world.” Sam, 23, reminded me of my Bible-belted Oklahoma roots: “True Love is Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. Love is my mom and dad being there for me no matter what. Love is never being afraid to show your affection. Love is true peace.”Sunil, a yoga instructor from India, said “Hi Perrin Hahahahaha I don’t believe. I do love 😉” He made me want to “do love,” and shift my focus from trying to understand it to making an effort to live in more lovingly.
Did I draw any major conclusions or come up with any fantastic revelations from this project? Probably not. But, I’m not disappointed. Even the men on Tinder have opinions, advice, stories of heartbreak, and perspectives spanning the entire spectrum of beliefs about love. They have dreams of finding love in their futures and many of them will, though I still hope the love story for me and my future partner begins off-screen.
I am a young American artist pursuing an MFA with a painting focus from the Burren College of Art in Co. Clare, Ireland. I graduated from DePauw University in May of 2017 with a double major in Economics and Studio Art and Spanish minor. I am a fitness enthusiast, blogger, family-centered, and foodie. My interests are diverse and widespread, but I am drawn to ideas of love, community, and connection. This project was a response to my experience of being a young, single woman living in rural Ireland.
