PLAYER OF THE WEAK: Jaylen Brown
The man with the shorts
We know some things about Jaylen Brown. His hair is fantastic, for one thing. His work ethic dominates the whole of his being — his Twitter and Instagram handles are both FCHWPO, standing for “Faith, Consistency and Hard Work Pay Off,” and while aggressively self-serious it’s exactly what the Boston Celtics want out of their rookie. Questions still remain about Brown, particularly his shooting, but the athleticism, drive, and rim-attacking proficiency are indisputable, and his defense projects to be quite capable.
But despite some recent minor revelations, we don’t know that much about Brown. Until now. Using unprecedented fact-finding technology — OK, fine, it was just Shocker Bot, but still — The Shocker has uncovered several key facts about Jaylen Brown that will challenge, delight, terrify and excite his fans, while simultaneously smiting all of his stupid and worthless enemies.
- What are Jaylen Brown’s thoughts on shorts length?
These we already knew, thanks to fine reporting by Jay King at MassLive. Let Jaylen explain this preference in his own words:
“It’s like hate or love. Like, ‘I’m loving the short shorts,’ or, ‘He’s tripping.’ So I don’t even pay attention to it. I’m not doing it for attention. I don’t care. I’m doing it because Jaylen Brown feels comfortable in short shorts. I don’t even consider them short. They’re regular shorts to me.”
But this is only the tip of the iceberg. In truth, Jaylen’s choice of athletic bottoms is an aesthetic and moral decision stemming from his distaste for the waste of fiber and elastic materials. As an ascetic, Jaylen Brown aims to use as few earthly items as possible in all his pursuits. During training camp and in between preseason games, he would limit his diet to artisanal beef jerky and lemon water for 72-hour periods, during which he did not leave the Celtics practice facility and only spoke three times each day, always in palindromes.
2. What are Jaylen Brown’s thoughts on marriage length?
Stemming from his aforementioned asceticism, Jaylen Brown does not believe he has the free time for marriage or any kind of romance. Or even sex, really. (Jaylen’s side-eye toward sex would make him fit right in on The Shocker writing staff — yo Jaylen, you like words?)
3. Why does Jaylen Brown insist on making me feel bad about myself?
The simple answer: Because he’s better than you. Look upon Jaylen Brown — that hair, the fierce falcon-like screams he emits when driving apart defenders in the lane, the majestic and relentless movements of his body— and realize you are inferior. It’s your own fault.
However, that’s not the whole truth. Jaylen Brown doesn’t want you to feel bad about yourself. Quite the contrary. Jaylen wants you to know happiness and love in your life. If you speak to him about these issues, he has a plethora of advice to offer regarding meditation and other practices to bolster your mindfulness and self-esteem. Jaylen also recommends that you stop guzzling cheap liquor and watching Ingmar Bergman’s Cries & Whispers on repeat.
4. How many times has Jaylen Brown changed his oil this autumn?
Only once. Jaylen doesn’t have much time to drive around but keeps his vintage silver Chevrolet Impala in peak shape. When he does manage to get a ride in, he’s been known to drive to the beaches on the South Shore and look wistfully out to sea, contemplating the mysterious rages of unknowable gods.
5. What is Jaylen Brown’s preferred method of chillin’?
Never like a villain, that’s for sure, because Jaylen Brown is a noble emissary of he who is called I AM and carries no evil in his heart — aside from the emotional fire necessary for brutal, posterizing dunks over the heads of Boston’s most vicious opponents.
When he does take the time to “chill,” Jaylen is known to watch episodes of The West Wing (pure Sorkin seasons only) or Mr. Robot, and his favorite Martin Scorsese film is The Age of Innocence. Video games stress him out. Currently, he’s on his third attempted reading of Finnegans Wake, which he usually digs into on flights while listening to William Basinski’s Disintegration Loops.
