5/16/17
We’re back in this bitch, with The Standings — a 100% objective look at the winners and losers from the past week of life. Let’s dive right in with the W’s and L’s after the jump.
James Comey: W
This is going to shock a lot of people. But I think that James Comey — former FBI director and most recent person to hear “You’re Fired” from Apprentice host and part-time President Donald Trump — deserves one of the strangest and most seemingly irrational W’s ever handed out in this weekly blog that hasn’t yet caught fire but almost certainly will (If you’re reading this you’re an early adopter and we appreciate you).
But yes, back to Comey. This whole thing is a damn three-ring circus and I think James Comey getting fired and allowed to go hang out with his family is a low-key huge win for him. Sure, he lost a lot of power and responsibility and he won’t be able to proceed with his investigation into Question 1: Whether Russia tampered with the election and Question 2: How? (Answer 1: they did Answer 2: bigly). But The Sims is coming to Google Play and the App Store incredibly soon. This man will have a lot of time on his hands. Talk about perfect timing.
Dudes Who Drink Soylent: L
There’s a big trend in Silicon Valley that has nothing to do with those damn gizmos and gadgets… or the computers or the internets. It involves getting buff incredibly fast, being a douchebag, and not knowing how to cook. It’s called Soylent®. It’s basically a meal in a bottle and it tastes okay, but not great. A lot of people who are too busy to pick up a knife and fork and y’know, eat, are now trying to step into the future with Soylent.
You might be asking, “sounds like the fucking dream. No kitchen clean up, cheap meal replacement, AND I get to be jacked. What gives, why the hate?” To which I respond, bro get it together. Do your tastebuds a favor and eat a real meal like the rest of us. Dudes who drink Soylent (and yes only dudes; a woman who drinks it is fine) need to take an L before all of the bacteria in their stomachs render their intestines useless and they die and then complain after the fact that they constantly have constipation in the afterlife.
France: W
Handing France W’s hurts. It really does. Their major exports are croissants and condescension. I think. And Tony Parker, who manages to be the only ball player who is able to seem like he knows more than you about “film”, simply by playing ball.
But y’all, when France had the same choice as the US and U.K. — vote for a racist or vote for a not racist — they did what we and the Brits couldn’t and voted for someone who still believes in diversity and the core tenets of democracy. And it wasn’t even close! And then, they didn’t even really rub it in. They just contentedly went on being French, eating baguettes, smoking cigarettes, smugly tickling their armpit hair. Goddamnit. You take this one France. We’ll get on your level one day…. Maybe.
Glaciers: L
They say the only thing worse than death is being forgotten. Or at least I think they say that. Look, at least one person has said that, OK? Anyway that’s what’s happening to the glaciers right now. Not only are they STILL melting away like they were a few years ago, we don’t even talk about global warming anymore. Because Republicans, like stubborn babies, stuck their fingers in their ears and yelled LALALALALA every time we tried to tell them to turn their lights off and buy priuses and shit. And we caved in. Their love for pickup trucks and coal jobs is going to give literally the whole climate an L if we don’t do anything. Which it’s looking like we won’t. Fuck.
James Harden: L
The Rockets got knocked out of the playoffs by the Spurs in historically embarrassing fashion. In a must-win Game 6, they lost by 39 points (!!!), at home (!!!!!). But it doesn’t stop there. They made, get this, the least 2 pt field goals in the HISTORY OF THE SHOT CLOCK ERA with only 9 the entire game. That includes layups and dunks. Yes, wow.
But for me, the most damaging thing to the organization in the long haul is that James Harden had an absolute no-show of a game in a season defining, and ultimately season-ending playoff game, again. He went 2–11, with 10 total points and a shit ton of turnovers. It’s going to be very tough for him to shake off this “choke-artist” label and tough to see any way of Houston getting out of that conference anytime soon. At least he met his twin the next day. But James, I love you and your beard, but take this L bruh.
Post Malone and Rich Chigga: W and W
Post Malone and Rich Chigga, last week, made a viral video where they danced and sang with some mariachi singers to the tune of Post’s hit song featuring everybody’s favorite Migo (Quavo) “Congratulations”.
Here’s the vid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twuv7vqyaY0
I already wrote about this a long time ago, but Post Malone is ugly. And he’s a white rapper. White people can’t lose these days in the rap game. There are low-key more white rappers than black ones, and I’m not even mad about it. You used to have to look good, at least. But now, it doesn’t seem to make a difference whether you look like you need 8 haircuts or lived in a drug den for 18 years. You still have a shot if you’re white and rap.
Kawhi Leonard: L
Everybody’s favorite Sad Boy, Kawhi Leonard gets an L for getting injured twice when his team needed him most. The first time, the team lifted him to victory and the second time they were like “bro, we already saved you last time. If you added up our ages we’re 4 million years old”. Kawhi, you’re in the MVP discussion. Get your ankles fixed.
Donald Trump: L
Do I even need to go into this one? Trump is being investigated for being too cozy with the Russians. So the best thing he could do is just not be overtly, weirdly, and maybe even criminally cozy with them, at least for a few weeks. Trump is too dumb for that guys. It’s unclear to me if it’s a profound lack of self-awareness or that he intentionally does the opposite of the thing he needs to do to stay out of the news cycle and off WaPo’s shit list.
Anyway, he shared like suuuuuper classified info with the Russians. After running a campaign and winning an election centered around Hillary’s mis-management of classified info. Just hers was with her staffers, not literal enemies of the US. Take the final L Donny. And read a book. Jesus man.
