5/22/17
Did you enjoy the past 7 days? A lot of shit went down and we’re here for you if you need to talk. Here are the completely objective and 100% fact-based winners and losers from this past week of life.
Melania Trump: W & Angela Merkel: W
If you’ve been in a relationship and have done something that landed you on your significant other’s shit-list, you know the pain of having to make a public appearance with said SO while still on said shit-list. You probably had to be super, super, extra nice just to convince him/her to even show up to this thing, and you know there’s a chance he/she is gonna get you back by publicly embarrassing you in front of your homies.
Enter Melania Trump:
That’s cold, ‘Lania. (Can ‘Lania be a thing?) Donald is DEFINITELY in major hot water with Melania for something. I wonder what? Telling her he wouldn’t tweet anymore at 3 AM and still doing it? Ruining America? We may never learn, but Melania grabbed the W by stiff-arming that orange cartoon dude in the most public of international appearances.
This is actually pretty rich in irony, because a few months ago, right when Trump started, he actually turned down a handshake when verbally prompted by Angela Merkel, leaving her to look very stupid. Not as stupid as she looked when G.W. Bush awkwardly bro-ssaged her, but pretty damn stupid. So if she saw that video from above, which I will pretend she definitely did, seeing the tables turned must have been pretty sweet.
Sweet enough to warrant a W, getting the German Chancellor on the board.
The Free World: L
Mike Flynn looks like he’s addicted to meth, but he is also a major part of what’s turning out to be a Watergate-esque political scandal. The Free World is currently being run by maniacs and therefore we have to take this L and move forward. I’m hyped for the impeachment Tweets that are going to drop when Mike Pence finds out he’s in charge of the country. I’m less hyped for Mike Pence being president and making gay people move to Canada. America without gay people would’ve been like the ’80s without cocaine. It just wouldn’t work.
Aziz Ansari: W
In these trying times, there’s nothing we need more than good mindless entertainment to watch with our nonexistent girlfriends in the comfort of our shitty apartments in cities where the rent is grossly overpriced due to an influx of Social Media Manager-ass Millenials who drive said prices up and generally erase the culture of said cities. Sorry, went on a little tangent there…
But yeah, Aziz Ansari dropped season 2 of Master of None, and it is really fucking good. Shoutsout out to BrownBoys™ once again proving that straight white men aren’t the only ones who got jokes.
New Orleans, Louisana: Tie/draw
As we mentioned a few weeks back, New Orleans has been leading the charge in bringing down Confederate monuments in the south and we’re here for it to the absolute utmost extent. But we can’t give the entire city a W here, simply due to the fact that the opposition is also coming in hot. In fact, it’s about 50/50 — seemingly — people who are down for the cause and people who absolutely 100% don’t fuck with it. Bigots and normal people, basically. The first ever tie/draw goes to New Orleans for almost being woke but also being hella stuck in the past. I’ll see y’all at Jazzfest.
Katy Perry: L
Just… just watch a little bit of this. A few seconds is enough.
So this isn’t really her fault. I personally blame whoever over at NBC thought it’d be a good idea to try and have Katy Perry — pre-eminent WhiteGirl™ — be able to kick it with the three most Atlanta dudes ever and not look out of place. I mean, imagine Kanye got on stage at Stagecoach and had to chill with Kenny Chesney. Or Mike Pence had to talk to a black person. It would be equally as cringe-worthy. Whoever’s in charge of their PR should know to avoid these interactions at all costs.
So I’m not saying its your fault, Katy, that you looked akward af when trying to pretend like you drink lean or even know what that is, BUT you did decide to do this fairly whack song and had to assume a live performance would come up. So, I reluctantly have to give you an L. Still love you though. Like a lot. A lot a lot.
Boston: W
Here at The Standings, we giveth and we taketh. As you well know (or should know if you are a loyal follower, which you aren’t because no one is yet, but we’d love it if y’all were…) a few weeks back, Boston took the quick L for being racist. But this week, much like Big Sean, (a comparison I doubt they love given the nature of the L) they bounced back! They somehow won Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, on the road, without their star player, after being down 21 points. There was even a wacky, bouncing-around-the-rim-for-eternity game-winner. And I was cheering with Boston! One week after a high profile racism row, I was mentally celebrating with the very same city. Sports are magic.
So Boston, here’s a shiny W. If you come back and somehow knock the Cavs out, I will even go back and erase your prior L. I can forget about some racism if the Warriors don’t need to play LeBron again. I’m serious.
Jordan Peele: W
Just when you thought the Get Out director and former half of iconic comedy duo Key and Peele couldn’t possibly glow up any harder, he nabbed a new movie deal as well as a deal with HBO to make a drama-thriller series called Lovecraft County. You might be thinking this W isn’t very funny and doesn’t belong on this list but here’s what I say to rebuke that… when goofy black dudes win, America wins. Barack Obama, anyone? The man sang Al Green in front of a crowd of people and put a fucking basketball court in the White House. You KNOW people were mad when hooping became part of the presidential daily agenda. “Uhh, hold up now… I’ve gotta get a few shots up before this briefing” —Barack Obama.
Wow, Jordan keep shining young king. Keep shining.
