6/12/17
Another week, another blog post from your favorite Mulatto boyz. We out here once again with The Standings a.k.a. the only 100% objective look at the Winners and Losers from the last week of life. Let’s dive in.
Lebron James: W
Lebron James (Pronounced Lee-Brin Haw-mess) is arguably the best basketball player of all time. Going down 3–0 to the Warriors (a.k.a. The MonStars from Space Jam) seemed like a tough spot to be in. But rather than going out like losers, Kyrie Irving, Lebron, and Kevin Love led the way in one of the most epic finals games ever. 49 points in the first quarter was absolutely absurd. Lil B might have lifted the curse from Kevin Durant, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the Warriors are going to be able to coast to the ship. They gotta get through BELIEVELAND. I’m a firm believer in #Cavsin7. JR Smith is my favorite person in the world, too, so I have so many reasons to believe. Wow, go Cavs.
Chick-Fil-A Being Closed On Sundays: L
I can’t tell if this L belongs to Chick-Fil-A or me (Stephen), but when I drove past the Marina Del Rey Chick-Fil-A today I noticed something odd. It was closed. It didn’t take long for me to put two and two together, realizing that because the delicious chicken sandwich factory is run by a religious freakazoid, they close on Sundays (a.k.a. the day of the Lord). God didn’t ask for this. Also, from a straight up monetization standpoint, this has to be terrible for the company. Imagine all the hungry motherf*ckers who’ve been in the same boat as me. Just straight up jonezing for a chicken sandwich, or some tenders, or those delicious waffle fries. I debated giving the restaurant a 1-star yelp review, but then I realized that would be incredibly petty and pretty damn embarassing for me. Sidenote: What the hell does Chick-Fil-A mean?
Lewis Hamilton: W
Here at The Standings, we are so biased towards all mulatto/biracial dudes that it’s kind of hilarious. So it should come as no surprise that the one black/brown Formula 1 driver gets served up a nice W for not only winning this past week, but kind of for just being a black Formula 1 driver. For those less familiar, Formula 1 is as white if not whiter than NASCAR, but bourgy European white as opposed to, er, #MAGA white. Think french guys with fuckboi haircuts in popped collar Lacoste polos instead of dudes who look like Larry the Cable Guy.
Anyway, as seems to be a trend among these white-only sports (golf, tennis, etc) that once a black person joins the party, he/she tends to dominate, and that has certainly been the case for Lewis these last few years. And after a rough start to this year’s season, he grabbed the W today in Canada and closed the points gap to 8 points. Well done, Lewis! Also follow this dude on Instagram/Snapchat, his life is insane.
James Comey: W
This is a no brainer. James Comey is quickly becoming the most famous snitch in political history. A few weeks before the election he snitched on Hillary for doing, well, nothing that we didn’t already know, and in doing so assisted in helping her catch the ultimate L. Now, he’s snitching on Trump for being a dishonest, insecure, and vindictive person, a.k.a. nothing we didn’t already know, and may hand Trump not just the L but the I for Impeachment. If he manages to be the reason Trump got elected (which we was) and also the reason Trump gets impeached (improbable but fully possible), Comey will be remembered as the biggest troll in political history. If you haven’t read his written testimony on Trump, go read it now. It reads like a damn novel.
Vladimir Putin: L
Vladimir Putin is the most intriguing political figure in the world IMO. He objectively is a terrible person — he kills people he disagrees with, hacked the US election, is blatantly misogynistic, etc. But then again, he rides horses shirtless, knows martial arts, and is maybe the most unflappable dude in the public eye. He gives absolutely zero fucks. It’s impressive.
I mean I can’t really give him a W because he’s Putin, and I can’t really write about him without giving him either an L or W, so in the spirit of avoiding a government investigation and appeasing my friends at CNN, I’ll give the L. But Putin, it’s just for show. I kind of am into you and I know its wrong but I am.
Gay People: W
Trump has a lot of reason to be stressed right now, but I think what’s troubling him more than Comey, more than Russia, more than Mexicans, is… gay people are out here winning. Across the country, Pride celebrations have been absolutely fucking popping. Mike Pence is probably hot right now. He has to endure pure joy and happiness from the community he believes needs to be “cured”. But rather than praying the gay away, the LGBTQ community is nabbing Ws from two half black straight ally ass niggas in California. Congratulations to the rainbow coalition and all of the same sex lovers outchea. Y’all deserve this.
Theresa May: L
Yo! Shouts out to Jeremy Corbyn and quasi-socialist cats across the globe. The British Bernie Sanders nabbed the crucial W, but I think what’s more pronounced is the L that Theresa May took here. She was supposed to smack the Labour Party’s representative but she straight up pulled an Al Gore and got merked. It’s truly too bad for her and I hate to pile on, but damn… she’ll be enjoying tea and crumpets with her cat as opposed to running the Parliament out there in England. Sorry gal.
Stephen Adamson: L
Hi it’s James. I’m a BWGSWF (bandwagon GSW fan). I want the Warriors to win. Actually, correction, after last season, the only thing in life I don’t/can’t have is #CavsinSeven. The 3–1 memes haunt me to this day, and the 3–0 memes would really affect me in maybe irreparable ways. L to Stephen for fucking with my head and mentioning something that seems so improbable yet so disgustingly possible/maybe even inevitable. Fuckkkkkk Warriors, let’s win tonight!
