6/21/17
Hey! Thanks for clicking on our post. To reward you for your click we’re gonna hook up an objectively dope and objectively truthful rundown of the last week or so. You ready? Yeah? Lol of course you are, you clicked the post! Lmao. Ok. Let’s start.
The Golden State Warriors: W
The news cycle foils us yet again. Y’all already know what the deal is here. The Warriors brought home the title and have sent the NBA into a draft/free agency frenzy. Paul George has been linked to the Cavs and Lakers, Jimmy Butler to the Cavs, Lebron to the Lakers, Chris Paul to the Rockets… the NBA is freaking out. Meanwhile, the Warriors are chilling so hard — Steph with his cigar, Dray with his trolly t-shirts, Klay is probably so blazed right now he can’t even open his eyes. Which implies that he ever does fully open his eyes which isn’t accurate. Anyway, clear Dub for the Dubs. Appropriate, no?
Republicans: W
If we weren’t pissed liberal bros, we’d probably begrudgingly give Republicans more W’s on a weekly basis. Especially the way the 2016–2017 season of life has gone. But we are exactly that. Currently, Republicans are working behind closed doors on a shitty healthcare bill that will likely ruin many lives, but that’s not stopping them from continuing to rack up huge wins. 4 congressional seats to be exact. We thought that there was a shot in Montana, Georgia, and to a much lesser extent Kansas and South Carolina, but all of those red ass states decided to stay put with Republicans representing their hick asses. Montana even voted for a dude who literally KO’d a reporter. Republicans seem to give zero fucks about their constituents, which makes their continued dominance and control over the House, Senate, Presidential Office, Supreme Court, and overall just holding the damn political gauntlet EVEN more impressive. Good job, white guys. You’re doing well.
Republicans: L
The Republicans lost in the Congressional Baseball Game against the Democrats, by a truly brutal score of 11–2. Not going to pile on here, especially in the wake of the attack on the Republican baseball practice only one day before the big game… but, they got fucking trounced. They say the reason the Democrats typically win is that they’re younger and often just much more athletic (think a bunch of Jon Ossoff’s sprinting around the diamond and being chased by a bunch of Newt Gingrich’s: 11–2 was the Dems taking it fucking easy). Sure, “America” won in the end, as the game went off without a hitch, but… Democrats got all up in that ass. Nice win, guys. Good to get one, finally, after losing brutally and historically for the entire past year and a half.
Tupac Shakur: W
So, the Tupac biopic All Eyez On Me received mixed reviews, but according to The Hollywood Reporter, its opening up to $27 million bodes well for more Tupac-inspired projects in the future. This was no Straight Outta Compton, but it was still pretty solidly received. As we all know, Tupac lives in Cuba and never died, so I’m sure he’s figured out a way to get money wired to his hideout and I’m sure even Suge Knight is somehow thriving off the film’s success. RapperMovies™ are liable to become the next version of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and I expect there to be lots of people dressed as Tupac at Comic Con this year.
Jon Ossoff: L (but he’s still hella cute)
Jon Ossoff may have taken one of the most anticlimactic and monetarily wasteful L’s in politics, but there’s one thing the world can agree on: the man is handsome. So handsome and young and smart, that his political journey is just getting started, really. I don’t think the Ossoff train is slowing down, but surely the America-isn’t-racist-and-has-decent-people train just lit up in flames. It’s now okay to be a dick publicly, it’s ok to hate women, it’s DAMN sure fine to be homophobic and/or antisemitic (unless aimed at Jared Kushner), and it’s also considered extremely good to be an idiot on Twitter. Wow, Trump’s America is here. I guess it’s time to embrace it. *Orders Confederate flag and Nazi memorabilia*.
Kevin Love: L
Kevin Love is supposed to be part of the Cavs’ Big Three. He’s supposed to knock down Big Threes. He’s at the very least not supposed to have a +/- of negative twenty-Three in a win-or-go-home-game-5. Right?
LMAO! Kevin Love scored zero points in the first half of game 5. He got in foul trouble. He didn’t hit a single three. Remember when the Cavs lost two years ago and people were like “well if Kyrie and Kevin Love were healthy…” Not sure about that one, y’all. Anyway, K Love — you are the shining light for white boys who ball so keep that up and whatever, but take the L for now.
Derron Williams & Kyle Korver: L
“We need a playmaker.” — Lebron James, about halfway through last season. In response to this simple assertion, the Cavs picked up the aging and fellow hairline-embattled Derron Williams, as well as sharpshooter Kyle Korver to beef up their bench and be those role players in key games that tip the scales. You know, key games such as must-win elimination games in the NBA Finals. Like Game 5!
Omg! Guess what? Kyle Korver scored three (3) (III) (tres) points, and Derron scored zero. Haha! Zero! Lol. 3+0 =3. 3 total points from the playmakers. Thinking face emoji. L.
Otto Warmbier: L
So remember the dude that went to North Korea, committed some petty offense, and was, predictably, sent to a hard labor prison? So yeah, they released him! That’s the good news. Oh, but he was in a coma. That’s the bad news. Oh yeah then he died very shortly after. That’s bad news part II. Our boy Otto apparently was catching the T (for torture) then caught the ultimate L of death given they were apparently like gassing him and pulling out his toenails and other insane stuff. Woof.
The moral of the story here is to absolutely, by no means, go to North Korea. Ever. I thought that was clear but apparently it’s not. If you DO find yourself there for some bizarre reason, know that you’re already skating on insanely thin ice, so don’t steal banners or flags and shit from the government. They will fuck your shit up! Kim Jong Un kills his own family so some random white dude trying to troll him is really a no-brainer. So yeah. Stay the fuck away unless you are Dennis Rodman. He’s got some weird immunity that no one except him and KJU will ever understand. RIP Otto!
