7/19/17
Damn, we’ve been gone for a minute. But we back like cooked crack. Stephen nabbed a new job and James has been busy crushing the comedy game, but fear not — we didn’t forget about our loyal, dedicated and thoroughly #engaged fanbase.
Let’s dive into what we missed.
Lonzo Ball: W
Wow. Why on earth would anyone be surprised that Lonzo Ball led the Los Angeles Lakers to the NBA Summer League championship? A.k.a. the second most important NBA championship. Lavar Ball has literally been shouting from the rooftops that his son was going to get the Lakers to the playoffs in his first year (this lowkey counts), Magic Johnson has been saying Lonzo is liable to break all his records, Luke Walton has been singing his praises, and all of LA is ready for their savior. Even Lebron was hyped! Well, the man started slow with a rough first outing but stepped his shit up and hasn’t looked back since. Lonzo b.k.a. “Ugly Drake” is turning into the sweetheart of the city and I’m more than here for it. Also, shouts out to Kyle Kuzma — a casually handsome lights out shooter from Utah. Lakers back?
Chipotle: L
Quick — what is Chipotle known for? Nope, not delicious, fresh, organic meals. That’s what they were known for like 3 years ago. More recently, they traded that warm and fuzzy rep for being known as the fast food chain that serves up E Coli and cases of the shits like Jennifer Aniston serves up charming yet predictable cameos in rom-coms. Not great.
Quick — what’s the best way to shake a rep like that? Literally the opposite of closing another restaurant for the same reasons and having stories like these run by Business Insider:
“Customers reported symptoms such as vomiting, diarrhea, severe stomach pain, dehydration, and nausea to the website iwaspoisoned.com, which first alerted Business Insider to the issues at the Sterling restaurant. One person reported two hospitalizations as a result of the illnesses.”
Bruh. The site that these people reported symptoms to is called, no lie, “I Was Poisoned dot com”. Poisoned! That’s like your dating profile linking to Ihaveherpes.com. Herpes is the last thing you want from a partner, and Being Poisoned™️ realistically is that last thing you want from any part of life, ever. Take the L Chipotle. I still fuck with you but white people will probably stop if you slip up just one more time.
Snapchat (and the Dancing Hot Dog): W
“Wait til you get a load of this shit” — Evan Spiegel before dropping the Snapchat dancing hot dog on the employees at the company’s Venice Headquarters.
Right when it seemed like Snapchat was dead in the water, they revived themselves with an idea so original you literally couldn’t copy it. And trust me, Instagram probably tried. It’s a dancing hot dog that is also a DJ and breakdancer. A.k.a. 24 karat fucking gold.
Have you ever wanted to eat a hot dog? Same. Have you ever liked dance moves that are good? Me too. Do you like breakdancing? Who doesn’t? Ketchup on a hot dog is somewhat controversial, but I like it on my dogs. And mustard is obviously fair game as well. Good job, guys. Now keep gentrifying Venice, we don’t mind and we like the new restaurants.
Stephen and James: L
They say only God can judge us. This isn’t true. Our loyal fanbase is allowed to judge us. And that loyal fanbase is allowed to expect things from us. And we, the suppliers of #firecontent, have a duty and obligation to meet expectations that are set for us and that we set for ourselves when we decided to begin this undertaking. We knew it would be hard. We knew the numbers wouldn’t come flying in super fast, necessarily. But we’re absolutely back in the fucking mix. Stephen started a new job and is in the process of buying a puppy. James is killing the comedy game in San Francisco. These are facts, not excuses. Nothing excuses us from not bringing the heat y’all need on your Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Thursday morning/afternoon (depending on how lazy we are). We’re back, baby. We’ll take this L, learn from it, and move on.
Thanks for understanding.
Colin Kaepernick: W
So yes, Kaep is still not signed. Yes, his jersey became the most purchased jersey in the NFL last year partially due to fans buying it so they could light it on fire and post it on Instagram. And yes, he still looks like could be the evil version of whoever the real Colin Kaepernick is. These are clear L’s. But this week, when Mike Vick advised Kaep he should shave his fro so as to be signed, Kaep clapped back on Twitter in a pretty epic way by posting this:
First of all, Mike Vick is one dude I wouldn’t take advice from no matter what it was. And second, telling Kaep to basically fall in line and make the old white dudes who run the NFL comfortable is some BS. So W to Kaep for basically saying ‘fuck that noise’ and burning Vick, without even tweeting at him or really acknowledging him. You do you, Kaep. You do you.
Rob Kardashian: L
The fattest Kardashian took another relatively painful L when Blac Chyna stunted on him and he took his heartbreak to Twitter. And we get it, everybody complains on Twitter. A lot of people get super messy on Twitter. It’s not the problem. The problem is when you try to seek refuge on Twitter. Everybody knows that Twitter — and especially #blacktwitter — is consistently… as the sun rises and sets every morning and night… out for blood. They murdered him. Take this L Rob. Just don’t get yourself back on this list again. We need you in the game. We need you getting played by debatably hot black chicks. Keep at it.
James Harden: W
This one is straightforward. I’m going to put the next part in big ass font because it would be silly not to.
James Harden and the Rockets signed a $228 million extension through 2022–23 season. Two👏🏽 hundred 👏🏽 and👏🏽 twenty 👏🏽eight 👏🏽MILLION 👏🏽FUCKING 👏🏽dollars.
Look in your wallet right now. How much money is in it? I had 11 dollars. If you multiply that by 20, you get 220. All the cash in my wallet, plus 19 more times that, is 220. Then multiply that by ONE MILLION and you get 8 million dollars LESS than the contract that Harden signed. By the way, a million is a thousand… times a thousand. One thousand thousands. Ten thousand hundreds. So James Harden’s contract is 8 thousand thousands MORE than all the money in my wallet, times twenty, times a hundred, times ten thousand. Are you guys following me? If you stacked up what that contract is worth in one dollar bills, it would go from here to some faraway fucking place. Like the moon or something. Or maybe just to like the next town. You see what I’m saying. Damn, James, take the W. Shoot better in the playoffs when your team needs you but take the W for now. Actually take 280,000,000 W’s. Whooo!
Hillary Clinton: L
Sorry fellow liberals. We gotta keep it real. First of all, we need to talk about the irony that the recent Trump scandal is email related. Specifically, emails sent by Donald Trump Jr. to some Russians, for info on how to bring down Hillary. Remember what brought down Hillary? Emails. So the Trumps colluded with Russia via email to bring down Hillary, who herself was brought down by emails. Damn.
So that was the good news. This next part is truly and horrifically brutal.
So we already know how Trump’s approval rating is super low cause of, like, all the shit he’s doing. But get this: Hillary’s is lower. 39% to 42% in favor of Trump! WTF! I literally can’t even. Guys. After taking her L, this poor woman made like an SF girl on Tinder and went hiking. She’s been in the damn woods! What’s not to like about a white girl finding herself in the woods? Trump has all but been convicted of treason while Hill-dawg has been minding her own damn business in the woods. And people still manage to like her less than the world’s biggest troll. What the actual fuck Hillary. I don’t think you deserve this L but I have to give it. I’m sorry.
