Losin’ It (1983)
Tom does a sex romp with a pair of cougars in Tijuana.
Who’s Up For Gettin’ Some Hookers in TJ?
So this is an … interesting one. Apparently in the early 80's it was, like, 100% cool for high school kids to drive across the border, get wasted and bang some prostitutes in a sad whorehouse in Mexico. Hilarious, right? So, yeah, Tom pairs up with his pals Spider (Cougar from Top Gun), Dave (that creepy guy who played Freddy Krueger and Rorschach in Watchmen), and some kid named Wendell, and the whole gang hits the road to make men out of themselves. Along the way, they pick up Shelley Long (Cougar #2), get in trouble with the federales, and cause quite a ruckus. It’s supposed to be a knee-slapping laugh riot, but honestly it’s just pretty fucking terrible.
TCP Rating: 1 Maverick
Within the first few seconds of the opening theme song, you can tell this is going to be pretty bad. Tom’s friend Freddy Krueger is way too creepy to bring the comic relief, and Shelley Long should have stayed at the bar with Sam Malone, but there are some redeeming scenes with her and Tom, and Tom finally fixed those terrible teeth. One Maverick.
How You Can Watch
I bought a copy for $8.88 on Amazon. My guess is you aren’t desperate to add this one to the Blu-ray collection. Well, you’re in luck—this can be streamed entirely on YouTube (for now).
Film Stats
If you’re a child of the 80's like me, you might be thinking, haven’t I seen a movie like this one before? Well, yeah. This is another obvious Porky’s ripoff. Porky’s came out in 1981 and was actually successful. This one … wasn’t. Some years later, somebody said fuck it, and just released it as “Porki 3" in Brazil because, honestly, why the hell not?
Tom Stats
The teeth. Tom finally got those fixed. Now’s he’s just another dickhead Soc. Here’s a before and after:
Nice work, Tom. Eesh.
Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!
If you’ve already seen it, or just plain don’t give a shit, I’ve included a plot summary below.
Just Some Good Ol’ Boys, Lookin’ For Love
The guys are in high school and super desperate to get some. Tom is a major dweeb. Freddy Kreuger is supposed to be the funny one, but he’s way too creepy to pull it off. Cougar is just some dude. For absolutely no reason, there is a Star Wars reference—“A LONG TIME AGO, IN A HIGH SCHOOL NOT SO FAR AWAY”—right after the opening credits. This is never mentioned again.
After telling everyone they know that they’re on their way to TJ to see the donkey show, the gang saves Cougar from gym class and hits the road in Freddy Krueger’s badass convertible. It’s Tom, Cougar, Krueger, and Krueger’s little brother, Wendell. Wendell is some sort of dealer and has a big wad of cash. Cue the road music: next stop, manhood!
The Gang Randomly Acquires Shelley Long
The Gang suddenly has a fierce need for munchies. They stop at a roadside market and find shop manager Shelley Long arguing with a guy who kinda looks like Mark Hamil. Being assholes, they totally take advantage of Shelley’s distractedness and steal tons of snacks. Meanwhile Shelley is telling fake Mark Hamil that she’s had enough, she’s going to get a divorce. Now that she has asserted her self-reliant, confident, feminist side, she promptly jumps into the car with Tom and the Gang because (a) she doesn’t seem to have a car or any way to actually support herself, and (b) this is the early 80's and all women are still helpless, flighty, and quite a bit crazy. Good thing these upstanding gentlemen showed up to save her.
“I don’t need you any more fake Mark Hamil! I’ve got these four high school boys on their way to TJ to see a donkey show and patronize degraded and marginalized foreign prostitutes with me, and I’m going to be just fine! Hey, what the fuck, did you little bastards just steal a bunch of shit from my store?”
The Gang finds some hookers.
We now enter the “everything is awesome” portion of the movie. The Gang plus Shelley arrives in TJ and immediately confirms multiple stereotypes regarding our neighbors to the south: prostitutes are everywhere and super happy to see strapping American youth, the locals are poor, the federales are corrupt, but everyone is still having a great time. Shelley runs off like a crazy bird to find a divorce, and Tom, Cougar, and Krueger manage to leave Wendell guarding the car. They hit the streets looking like this:
Just in case you’ve somehow forgotten, we are again reminded that the boys are here to do it. Yes, it. For the first time.
There is now open discussion of selecting a prostitute for Tom. Fairly creepy. In a matter of minutes, the Gang meets some not-very-hot prostitutes at a bar. These girls trick the Gang into heading upstairs, where they see the actual, much less hot prostitutes they will be choosing from. Think Golden Girls meets National Geographic. No one said becoming a man would be easy. Being assholes, Cougar and Krueger give Tom first choice, and he promptly selects a woman who looks like she could be his grandmother. Wow. Dude’s into older women. Got it.
Now we see what Shelley Long is up to: wandering the streets. Fearless. On her own! Who needs a man?! She tosses her wedding ring into a fountain and then has to save it from being immediately stolen by locals. Soaking wet, she realizes that this is still the early 80's and, according to Hollywood, yes she does still need a man. Well done, Shelley.
Back at the whorehouse. Tom’s getting molested by the old lady. Thank god, he’s backing out (wuss). Turns out Cougar backed out too. They’re both at the bar making excuses when Shelley comes in. Little bit of acting here. Not bad, Cougar and Tom. Cougar punches Tom. Right in the damn neck. Tom’s all pissed off and crying. Shelley consoles.
The Gang Splits Up
So Freddy Krueger turns out to be the only one who actually banged a prostitute. That seems about right, since he’s a shameless creep. Anyway, Tom and Shelley are off pouting, and Cougar wandered off into the streets, so the Gang is all split up. In Tijuana. What could possible go wrong?
Shelley’s drinking tequila shots with Tom on the beach. Dancing. Shelley’s gonna steal it. Out of nowhere there’s an overly-dramatic anti-marijuana message. Next step is heroine, you know. OK anyway Tom and Shelly got a really small room. It’s time. Are they gonna? … Yep. They’re gonna.
Is Tom even 18? This could be statutory.
Enough Fun. Welcome to Mexico.
Cougar gets thrown in jail for starting a brawl with some Navy bros at a bar. After getting tossed into a cell with a couple dozen other dudes, some giant Merle throws him against the concrete wall. He’s out. The movie starts getting pretty dark … and much more interesting from this point on.
Tom and Shelly show up to bail (bribe) Cougar out of jail, but they can’t afford it. The corrupt federale offers to let him go only in exchange for Freddy Krueger’s car. Meanwhile, Cougar gets some new cellmates. Merle saves Cougar from getting his ass kicked by the Navy bros. Thanks, Merle.
The Gang Learns About Multiculturalism
OK, so during this time, Freddy Krueger and Wendell have been wandering around getting into their own mess. Freddy Krueger has managed to piss off some Mexi-bros by treating one of their sisters like another prostitute he’d like to … er, solicit. In return, the Mexi-bros are scaring the shit out of Freddy Krueger. Specifically, they’re threatening to sear off his manhood with a blowtorch. Pretty intense dialogue here. “You Americans come here to do things you wouldn’t do in your own country. You think we’re dirty because this town is dirty. Well, this isn’t our town, this is your town. Without you, and people like you, there’d be no Tijuana.” Wendell somehow saves the day by stealing the Mexi-bros’ car.
Escape From Mexico
The Gang is reunited, but now Freddy Krueger finds out Tom offered his car in exchange for Cougar. That’s obviously not going to happen, so they jump the federale instead and make a run for it. The Mexi-bros show up again, and everyone gets into a cheesy high speed chase through town and to the border. They got across, and now Shelley’s husband shows up. Since it’s the early 80's, she caves. One last makeout with Tom though.
The Gang stops at a diner just across the border. Predictably, the Navy bros show up. We’re done with the dark part of the movie, so this turns into a knee-slapping, food-throwing diner brawl. The super shitty theme song comes back, and Wendell shrugs it out to finish the film. Finally.
About The Tom Cruise Project
As with any great idea, this one started over beers. I’m at a bar and my buddy tells me he’s watching Tom Cruise movies. Not some. All. Every Tom Cruise movie in existence, in chronological order. Whoah. Just the sound of that, right? So I stole the idea. I know, what a dick.
Anyway, I’m gonna watch ‘em all and tell you what I think. That was my idea, this blog—The Tom Cruise Project. Tom’s 40th film came out this year, so this is going to be quite a journey.
You can drop comments onto any paragraph in any of the posts by clicking on the green box that appears to the right. They won’t be public until I allow them, but write anything you want. I won’t be heavy on the censor.
I’ll see you at the Top Gun party.
