How to stop making decisions based on Fear
The “Should vs. Must” Conundrum
Decisions
How many decisions have I made out of fear? By all standards, my life right now is full of promise — I’m graduating from a great school and have the world at my fingertips. But I am weary of the fact that so many of my peers make decisions out of fear, at a time when our potential is at an all-time high.
Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of discomfort, fear of being judged, fear of disappointment, and sometimes fear of more.
Too often do I see my friends, some of the coolest and bravest people I know, making decisions because of one, some, or all of the above. I, of course, am no exception and looking back have definitely made decisions based on fear.
Is going to grad school actually what you want? Do you really want that job at the accounting firm? Is taking on the family business what feels right? Are you taking those courses for your parents or for you?
Sometimes the answer to these and other questions will be in the affirmative, sometimes it won’t , but your actions that follow are what really count.
Predictability
Up until this point, my life has been predictably set out in easy-to-plan time frames, particularly in university when everyone plans their world in 4 month increments. Four months for first semester, four months for second semester, four months for summer break; then rinse and repeat for 4, and in my case 5, years. Most of us have various things we insert in those four month periods — filled with classes and course loads, maybe a study abroad semester, maybe an internship or two, or even a semester off. In less than 2 weeks, I’ll walk across a stage, gather a piece of paper, and officially break the cycle that has made my world go round for the past 5 years.
These years were formative, fun, wonderful, and about every other positive adjective you can think of. I’m writing this post not because I’m trying to be Dr.Phil, but because as we enter this next part, this “rest of our lives part”, our decisions will have the single greatest impact on what our life will become. With this new reality comes a host of fears and doubts equally matched by promise and opportunities; it is our choices that determine which narrative we wish to feed into.
Should vs Must
It’s not often that you leave a mandatory tutorial on a rainy February weeknight feeling quietly inspired. My TA led our class to face the two paths in life that we all have to choose from: Should and Must. This invisible fork in the road is something we face often, if not daily, and each time we are left with a decision.
The “Should” path is one that we all know far too well. It is how the rest of the world — society, your family, your friends — wants you to show up. It is the weight of expectations, opinions, and societal norms that dictate how we act. What youshould say, how you should feel, what you should think, what you should do. The Should path is less risky and guaranteed to steer clear of any turbulence.
The “Must” path eliminates choices.
Must is who we inherently are. It is, as Elle Luna describes,
“who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self.”
It is where our mind goes when we unchain ourselves and let go of fear. It is our desires, our dreams, our hopes, our unyielding longings, and our deep-rooted intuition. Must is when we become our own inspiration, when we realize that the grass actually isn’t greener on the other side, and we stop hearing our calling and start listening to it. Must is the terribly scary path of acting upon our calling; it is the reason I’m sitting here writing this article and started this blog.
Cynics steer clear, but I challenge everyone to go further with this “Should vs Must” conundrum and do the same exercise that my TA had us do:
Write your obituary.
Again, taken from this fantastic longer read, write two versions of your own obituary: one being if you follow the Should path where you crossed all your t’s and dotted all of your i’s, living an ordinary and predictable life. The second obituary will be of the life that you truly, deeply want to have- the Must life. When I did this exercise, the difference was staggering, and I realized right then and there that a change in actions had to- or Must, if you will — occur.
Time and Choices
There are just about 7.5 billion stories on this earth. Many of those, a majority really, won’t have the luxury of choosing between what they Should and Must do. And when they do have a choice, the Must path is far more tumultuous than I can comprehend — just ask Malala Yousefzai. Nobody chooses how their story will arrive on this planet, but some of us can choose what it says.
Time waits for no one. What we want isn’t going to fall into our laps because the fact of the matter is no one is special. The people we idolize- whether it’s business leaders, creative visionaries, or practically anyone from the ‘Influencers’ section of LinkedIn — weren’t cherry-picked from birth to blaze a trail. I would imagine the common denominator between all of these people is that they walk through life the way they Must. If the gap between your reality and your dreams starts to become too large — then ask, ‘what is stopping me’? If it is fear, or the disease to please, or that you’ve gone too far down Should road: there’s always the next decision. The Must road is infinite, so go take a gander.
The fear-driven decision making process stops when we ask yourself one thing: Is this something I Should do, or Must do? In life, and in business, I hope it’ll guide me well.