My AuDHD Origin Story — This Is How It Starts
Hi, my name is Shawn, and I’m Autistic.
More specifically, I’m a 47-year-old late-diagnosed Autistic. I was diagnosed in January of 2024, so I’m still a freshy. The diagnosis joined my lifelong diagnosis of ADHD, making me what some refer to colloquially as AuDHD.
The road that took me to my Autism diagnosis has been long and winding. Luckily, unlike many, my journey from the first mention of Autism to diagnosis was relatively short. However, my lifetime led me to this place, and that has most certainly not been short.
Finding That One Story
On the surface, things are going great. I have a loving partner whose strengths complement my challenges. We live in a nice house with three awesome cats. I have a great career as a Software Engineering Manager at a major tech company. I didn’t have a tortured childhood, though that does depend somewhat on perspective. I do not feel like I’m being stabbed by a knife when I hear noise, at least not a sharp one. I’ve always managed to have a good friend or two. In fact, most folks would probably look at the outcome of my life and think everything has been just great.
On the other hand, there have been many struggles that my “typical” peers didn’t seem to face. I dropped out of school at 17, I’ve only ever had 1–2 close friends at a time, and I do actually have numerous sensory sensitivities; my executive functioning can generously be described as a raging dumpster fire, at least in the traditional sense; and on many days I have appalling emotional regulation. Throughout my life, I’ve attributed these issues to ADHD, but, as it turns out, there are also many Autistic traits I identify with: rigid thinking, rumination, special interests, and socializing difficulties, to name a few.
The struggles I’ve had have always left me feeling like I was missing something. Other kids seemed to have it so easy; they could just go home and knock their homework out; they could walk up to a group of kids and be instant friends. Coworkers can effortlessly complete big projects, track multiple work streams, and even develop relationships outside of work. People generally don’t seem to explode in a burst of rage when they can’t find the screwdriver they just set down; maintaining friendships seems to come effortlessly; they just reach out to say “Hi!” for no reason. I love solving problems, and I’ve tried to solve these all my life. The solution to these problems has always seemed to be one step away; it’s always right there, just out of reach, and then it’s gone. I don’t know what to call the feeling (Alexithymia®), but it’s infuriating, depressing, annoying, and all the other emotions at the same time.
So, Why Am I Writing?
As I researched Autism, I found I identified with many of the traits, but I wanted to find that one Autistic experience that was similar to mine, the one that gave me the feeling I’ve read so many others get to feel, that feeling of being seen. I searched YouTube, I searched Google, I searched Medium articles, I searched memoirs, all to no avail. Sure, I did find some stories that had familiar aspects, but the best experience I could manage was an Autistic Frankenstein amalgamation. There was very little for the successful-corporate-professional-who-seems-to-be-fine archetype. As a result, I was left in a state of doubt; while I identified with so much, there was no one like me (Imposter Syndrome®).
There’s a question that evolved from this that has fascinated me over the last six months of, some might say excessive, Autism research:
How much of my life, the good things, the bad things, the weird things, the awesome things, can be explained by the way I perceive and interact with the world due to Autism?
Am I lazy, or am I simply motivated differently?
Did I fail at school, or did school fail at me?
Do I have a temper problem, or am I in a constant state of overwhelm?
Do I always make things about me, or do I just communicate differently?
Would being neurotypical only result in less struggle, or would it also cause a decrease in my strengths?
How much is just me vs Autism, or is there even a difference?
To help me tackle these and many other questions, as well as hopefully help others like me more easily identify with Autism, I’m left with only one option...I’m going to write my story. But first, allow me to share a couple of secrets:
- The subject I struggled with the most in school was English class, while my strongest subject was Math. This is why I am a Software Engineering Manager. I don’t write things; I build them.
- I am not an expert on Autism or ADHD; I am not even really sure I’m an expert on myself.
For these reasons, I won’t spend time rehashing the DSM, language/terminology, what makes a non-me person Autistic, or really anything along those lines. If that’s what you are looking for, here’s a great place to start on Medium:
How to Self-Identify Autism as an Adult
Instead, I’m going to share some stories from my life that may or may not be autistic in nature, though I will try to call out potential Autistic traits as I go. Maybe you will identify with these stories; maybe they’ll make you say, “damn, Shawn, are you me?” Maybe you won’t identify with anything; it’s all good. I’m doing this as a favor to myself and, like so many before me, to the Autistic Community to help continue to fill out the Autism story.
I invite you to join me on this journey as I, the non-writer, write out my life story as seen through my recently acquired Autistic glasses. Who knows, maybe you’ll even learn something about yourself, a loved one, Autism, or ADHD. Maybe I’ll even make you smile along the way.
(Registered Trademark®): This is my silly way of calling out potential Autistic traits in my stories. As I’m no expert in Autism, or myself for that matter, I’m highlighting them in this way so that you can more easily dig into those aspects yourself.
