Magic: The Gathering
Magical Thinking: New Phyrexia
Welcome back to Magical Thinking, a look back at the cards and art of Magic: the Gathering, set by set, from the beginning, through the eyes of a casual fan. This week we finish our look at the Scars of Mirrodin block with the final set of the expansion, May 2011’s New Phyrexia.
The battle for Mirrodin is over, and the Mirrans lost. Big time. There are still a few pockets of resistance left (I think, maybe, it’s unclear) but for the most part the Phyrexians have won, and Mirrodin is now New Phyrexia. And this isn’t your daddy’s Phyrexia either. This Phyrexia covers all five colors, each one with its own leader and aesthetic. It’s body horror galore as we explore this new nightmare world. Is there any hope for the Mirrans at all? Will Karn become the new father of machines? Lets find out.
Well that’s one question answered, I guess. Karn is free, and he’s none too happy about things either since he’s now gone exile happy. His ultimate let’s you capitalize on all those exiled cards by restarting the game and putting them under your control, giving you a big early advantage. Not bad for the guy who started off as Urza’s personal assistant.
Oh dear.
Phyrexian Mana is the new mechanic for New Phyrexia. Basically you can pay for it with the appropriate color or with Mana. The problem with this is that it totally breaks the color wheel, since you can basically put these cards in any deck as long as you don’t mind paying the life. Phyrexian Mana is a 9 on the Storm Scale, so don’t expect to see it in standard ever again. We’ll see way more busted Phyrexian Mana cards as we go on.
Here we have the big bad of New Phyrexia, the first of the five Praetors, Elesh Norn. She’s definitely the best known of the five, and appropriately she ends up coming out on top in the Phyrexian civil war between the five colors. She kind of looks like Lady Gaga if she became a Hellraiser Cenobite. She’s also why all the doors in New Phyrexia are extra wide.
Tony the Tiger has seen better days. He’s not grrrreat anymore.
I told you this expansion would be right with body horror. I’m honestly not sure how good this card is since it basically just buys you 10 more life, but sometimes 10 extra life is all you need.
KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Sorry, sorry, that was unprofessional. But that was pretty much my first reaction to seeing that card for the first time. That is a very scary angel.
There are still some people who haven’t been compleated by the Phyrexians (and yes, “compleated” is the correct spelling for the term for those converted into Phyrexians). I’m not sure how much hope there is though.
This card has everything I love: It’s a sphinx, it’s a mill card, and it’s really freaky-looking. What’s not to love?
Gitaxian Probe is infamous. It lets any deck have info on your opponent’s hand, for just 2 life. Appropriately this card is banned or restricted in every format except commander (which lets in almost anything).
Of course, instead of looking at your opponent’s hand, why not just not let them have a hand? That works. The best part is this guy has flash, so you can cast it before your opponent’s end step. That means they have to discard their hand before your turn. I should probably mention all these Praetors were released for historic mode on MTG Arena, so you can go over there right now and try these abominations out for yourself.
This is a dark edgelord version of Kirby, isn’t it? But yeah, this bad boy comes in and noms your opponent’s best creature, then gains their stats. Pretty sneaky.
The long awaited Leonardo da Vinci and H.R Giger collaboration has finally come to fruition.
Apparently Phyrexian oil makes awesome hair spray. Look at that mane, nothing is moving that.
This is an example of another mechanic from this set: Golems. There are plenty of creatures who make golems, and have those golems do extra stuff.
That is a big vampire. I bet he pops people open like Capri Sun bags.
Another Phyrexian Mana card. For 1 mana and 4 life any deck can -5/-5 a creature. That’s pretty powerful.
I love that it only lasts till the end of the turn. Do they just put their limbs back on afterwards? In Phyrexia that’s not entirely out of the question.
Oh that’s just nasty. We’re gonna need like a mop, a squeegee, the hose, some of that absorbing powder, the works. I hope that stuff doesn’t stain.
Hey, remember Phyrexian Negator from Urza’s Destiny? Well here’s the new and improved model. Same stat line, only this one makes the opponent sacrifice stuff when it’s damaged. Attack them at your own peril.
Hey it’s Mr. Bioshock from that game Bioshock. He’s one of my favorite video game characters alongside Sand Undertale, Sonic Fastman, and Chief Halo.
Uh…that is a…interesting place for a mouth, isn’t it? I’m officially uncomfortable.
That is the face of a person who is seriously regretting their life choices.
Okay, that does not look like a scamp to me. A scamp is something that’s cute and small and mischievous. That thing looks like they’re about to eat my face. I guess Phyrexians have their own standards of what is or is not adorable though.
This isn’t a time to be picky, Koth. You’re kind of in a tight spot, so use that corrupted mountain Mana and jam it right up where the Phyrexians traditionally jam things.
Some Pig.
The Phyrexian version of Charlotte’s Web is a lot darker than the original. You don’t even want to know.
Phyrexian kitty! I’d hug them but they look very sharp and hot.
Weirdly enough, Urabrask is the nice Praetor of the Phyexians. Since Red values freedom, he’s willing to let the Mirrans in his domain live in peace. Sadly I don’t think he survives this set, since his realm is taken over by Norn when she becomes ruler of New Phyrexia.
That is a very big chest-burster. It’s not even a chest burster at this point, it’s just a… burster. Look at it burst. I can’t stop saying burst.
I think that snake needs a little touch up here and there, because they look like they are falling apart in some places. Just saying.
You gotta love their enthusiasm, but those aren’t odds I would take to Vegas.
Melira was born without the metal bits all Mirrans have, and as a result she’s immune to the Phyrexian oil. She’s probably the plane’s best hope for survival since she can help make other people immune as well.
The biggest chungus. It could have started as a rabbit. Could have started as anything.
Phyrexian oil also works great as mouth wash. Not only does it protect your teeth, it gives you more teeth! I have so many teeth now! Too many teeth. PLEASE HELP ME MY ADDRESS IS…
This is the last of the five Praetors. Vorinclex is near and dear to my heart. I got to play a different version of him over in Kaldheim, so this is the Praetor I am most familiar with. He’s a big boy whose more concerned with being an apex predator than thinking, and after this set he was sent to Kaldheim in order to find a way to steal their rainbow bridge to let the Phyrexians planeswalk. But more on that another time.
Even when your world is being converted into an unholy nightmarescape, sometimes you just got to sit down and enjoy a sunset. I mean, the Phyrexian’s can’t take the sun away can they?
Goddammit.
To be fair, I’m not sure if the Phyrexians did this or the Mirrans. This card does have a Mirran watermark on it.
I think this guy went on to get a job as one of the enemies from Balloon Fight on the NES.
Naughty Mirrans will go into the shame gems to atone for their sins.
Hey, we have those in our world too. We call them Magic 8 balls. Ours are smaller and less bloody but the principle is the same.
Nice to see Elspeth is keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of what must be her absolute worst nightmare ever.
There is a cycle of these shrines, which you charge up by casting spells, then sacrifice to do a thing. I really like the flavor of this and similar worship mechanics.
And of course we have more living weapon cards. I wonder what the germ looks like on its own. I’ll look up the token later.
Yeah, Tezzeret is still an asshole. No change there.
With that, we take our leave of New Phyrexia (and cleaning ourselves off very thoroughly because we don’t want to track that oil around). Check in next time when we start a new block, on a new plane. Pack up your garlic and wooden stakes because we’re heading to Innistrad. But until we get there, Stay Magical.
