THE REVIEWS Episode 69: Clash Royale
This Supercell game finally gets a full episode for it
You know, 2024 has been pretty hectic for me so far. Besides me getting into the Weiss Schwarz signed card collection, and spending more money on gacha as usual, I got a new anime figure too. An expensive one at that, too.
It’s only January. The first month of the new year, literally, and I’m already this busy. The coming months are gonna be more tiring and chaotic too. So, all I wanna do now is just rest and relax for this short period of time before I get back to working mode.
Maybe I should play some old games I haven’t touched in years. Some of them still exist, and their disgusting taste still lingers in my mouth. Raid Shadow Legends, Mahjong Soul, LINE Let’s Get Rich, and many more. Frankly, I’m quite impressed they’re still alive and well, but at the same time pissed they haven’t ended their services. Horrible shits like these should be shut down and not be exposed to more innocent players.
However, a few games I’ve returned to some time after I reviewed them were better than when I first critiqued them. Take for example Forza Horizon 4. Besides the useless clothing in wheelspins, it feels fun driving in the streets of UK. The Businesses part of the game were interesting too. I kinda enjoyed completing them, even though one or two of the stages were hard as hell.
Since I wrote reviews about various games, they went through some changes too. Injustice 2 now has better stability in general, which includes the A.I. difficulty. No more hackers, no more cheaters. They even had a new mechanic in the game named Solo Raids, and they even have guilds, which definitely made the game a little more fun than it was before. The in-app purchases are still as terrible as they used to be.
Golf Battle, like Injustice 2, no longer lags as much as the sun rises and sets, and they fixed the aiming, which is a great step forward considering it is a multiplayer game. Games that improved made me feel a little guilty that I reviewed them badly, but I guess the past me is different from the present me. I just need some entertainment these days.
So, with that in mind, I wanted to return to a game that I shitted on years ago, and see if I could give it one more chance to play. Perhaps I had been too harsh on this game, and with all its new updates, I probably would take back my really ugly statements on it and maintain that it got better. That game would be…
…Clash Royale.
A SUPERCELL GAME? Are you crazy, Noah? Did you not hate that money-grabbing company, or detest it to the core? Didn’t I review this before on Mobile Games 2 and criticized it? Yes, I do hate them. Yes, I did the review. Still, I can’t help it. My friends went back to playing it, and I thought it looked pretty fun, so I jumped right back in.
This looks real different now. For a lot of reasons. What kind of arena am I in? Aren’t I supposed to be in Ultimate Arena? I recalled stopping at the last arena before I quit. What kinda fuckshit arena am I in now? Banners for profiles? Badges? What’s going on?
Here’s what going on. The game went through MANY FUCKIN’ UPDATES. Yeah, over nearly five years, they undergone so many updates I thought I was playing a completely different game. Clash Royale, ladies and gentlemen.
Here’s a picture of the old Clash Royale interface, including the trophies and its relation to the arenas. This is not my screenshot, it’s someone else’s, but I have around this amount of trophies, so it’s close enough.
The last time I played, there were only 11 arenas. I want you to take a guess how many fucking arenas they have now. Take a damn guess. 13? Nah, they didn’t just add one within four years. 16? Almost one new arena per 365 days. Sounds logical, right? NOPE. That’s wrong too. 20? Two per year? Nope, that’s wrong too.
23? If you could think of such a random number other than that Miley Cyrus’s rap song, then you’re hella right. TWENTY FUCKING THREE. THAT’S DOUBLE THE DAMN AMOUNT OF AREANS SINCE I LAST TOUCHED THIS PIECE OF SHIT. DO THEY THINK IT’S NOT ENOUGH? They even increased the trophy requirement for Ultimate Arena from like 4000 trophies to 9000. At this point, Supercell might as well put it at 99999 trophies at the rate they’re adding arenas. To be fair, when I first reviewed this, I said it was too boring because most of the maps look the same. I guess you could say they followed it. They made more variations…of THE SAME MAP, and I now regret making that statement back then.
Hey, did you know they added a new rarity of card? That’s right, they have a different border, and they’re called Champions. Wow, what a fitting name, totally.
Yup, new mechanics. You see the circular button with Elixir on it? That’s something only Champion cards can do. For this case, this card called Monk could not only deflect ANYTHING THAT COMES FOR HIM, HE EVEN REFLECTS IT BACK TO THE TROOP THAT ORIGINALLY DEALT THE DAMAGE. EVEN A ROCKET. YEAH, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. A FUCKING ROCKET. If used right, it could be broken. In fact, this is a broken card.
Of course, with new rarity comes new chests required to get them. Most games usually do that when they introduce a new type of character, but when Supercell does it, I somehow feel they’re fucking assholes only looking for money. I don’t know, maybe my hatred for this company is seeping into this review. Let’s continue on with the OTHER new features this game has. You thought I was done? After all that yapping with lots of words? Hell no.
Ever felt the towers look boring as hell? Ever thought the tower princess just isn’t good enough? Ever wanted a change of character on the tower because you’re bored of seeing the princess, even though it literally is a small ass sprite on the whole screen and you won’t concentrate on it AT ALL? Yeah, Supercell came in to save the day with changes. Changes that LITERALLY NOBODY FUCKING ASKED FOR.
Introducing the Cannoneer, a shittier tower princess substitute that only shoots a cannonball once every three seconds with average damage and can’t defend itself against a SCRAWNY SKELETON ARMY. Never use it unless you know what you’re doing, which you never will because the game will fuck you up first with its different shitty card rotations it gives you every battle.
Then there’s Tower skins. Ah yes, because we definitely need cosmetics to flex on the free-to-play players while we’re battling each other, and then we can emote them once we win them. That’s a double flex right there. Oh yeah, to hell with those losers. They could never compare with my horse boat tower skin.
What was the point of adding skins to the towers? There’s absolutely no purpose in doing so other than to look cool. It doesn’t help you deal more damage, it doesn’t give your opponent brain damage, it doesn’t make you stronger. It just lets others know you cash on such a pathetic game that is on its dying legs it needs to come up with TWO FUCKING TIERS OF SEASON PASS TO SURVIVE.
Yeah, look at that picture again. See that gold-colored and rainbow-colored crown ticket on the right hand side? Your eyes ain’t playing no tricks on you. It is like what I typed earlier. THERE’S TWO MOTHERFUCKIN’ TIERS TO THE GODDAMN BATTLE PASS. How desperate are you for money, Supercell? How greedy can you get?
Just to get off-topic for a while, Brawl Stars, another game made by this same goddamn company, also has this shit going on right now. TWO TIERS TO THE SEASON PASS. This one’s worse though. When the Brawl Stars battle pass first came out, there was a free one, as well as one paid with money, and one paid with GEMS. Yes, in-game currency. You used to be able to get decent rewards just by saving gems and spending it on the pass. Supercell, nonetheless, looked at it and was like ‘Everybody’s enjoying this, and they’re progressing well without spending a single cent. We aren’t able to earn any money at all from this. How ‘bout this? From 2024, we charge people for the decent rewards with real money. That way, we make players feel basic as fuck and they will feel the need to spend on our game again to get good stuff.’
*sigh* Back to Clash Royale, let’s talk more about the two things I hated about all these new updates. It wouldn’t be a Supercell game if they don’t keep introducing overpowered and crappy ass mechanics. Here’s Evolution.
Ah, this gives me nightmares. Anyways, let’s get on with it. Only some selected characters in the game have evolutions, mostly common and rare rarity. Here’s how this works. You get six evolution shards to turn the card into its evolved state. Then, you need to use its normal version about one or two times before you can summon its evolved version. Not only does it have increased health, its attacks are more painful and they each have special powers. For instance, the normal Valkyrie can only hit troops on land, while Evolved Valkyrie can hit troops on land AND air with a tornado effect. Some of the evolved powers are great, others are pretty meh. But the Valkyrie and Firecracker ones are just fucking asses to deal with. You hate to see them. They destroy your troops like it’s nothing.
Now, I know you’re gonna ask me, “Noah, you can do the same too, right? You have those characters. As long as you collect enough of those shards, you can evolve them and you can use them too!” How naïve of you. You really think I haven’t thought of that yet. Here’s the catch, or catches, if you will.
First, you can only equip ONE evolved card in a deck. You can’t break the whole game and put your whole deck with evolved cards, or else the game will be heavily criticized by players. Second, and most importantly, you need SIX shards. SIX. You think that I’m just being really petty for emphasizing on a single digit number. Just you wait ‘til I show you how you can get those shards.
You remember the money-grabbing battle pass? Yeah, all you have to do is to spend around 13 bucks and play like a madman earning six hundred and twenty five crowns to get the Evolved shards…for the featured character in the season. Yup, if you want to upgrade the Skeleton but this season only gives you Valkyrie, then just suck it up and carry out Plan B.
Plan B? B stands for ‘be ready to spend more money’, because that’s exactly what you need to do. It’s a Supercell game, of course they’re charging it at ridiculous prices for the shards. Trust me, they’re never worth the money. Nine dollars is not the amount you should spend for some evolved character. You could spend that money with more useful things, like food or a cab round trip to your destination and then back home.
If all of that doesn’t fit you, and you don’t want to spend a single cent, then Supercell has another (torture) way to let you get evolution shards.
This is the season shop. The credits used for this shop can be earned by playing in events and the battle pass. Each season, they give you the option to buy one specific evolution shard for five thousand points or one general evolution shard for six thousand. Take note of the limit you can buy. One each.
I know what you’re thinking now. “Since there’s a limit of one, the season probably resets every week. Maybe we’re being a bit too optimistic, because most games have seasons that last half a month, so perhaps it could be half a month for this game too.”ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. HA HA HA.
The season resets…EVERY FUCKIN’ MONTH. HOLY SHIT. I’m not making this shit up. Each season lasts for about thirty days. Suteki, sugoi, amazing. You know what that means? You can only get at most two evolution shards per month, by farming eleven thousand points. To make it worse, the game only allows you to gain one thousand points daily unless you spend gems to increase the max gain. By not spending anything, you need eleven days to get both shards.
Those two shards might seem a lot because they’re one-third of what you need, but no, it isn’t. Let me quote you an example. This season, they sell one evolution shard for Royal Recruits and one for general use. So, you get two shards for Royal Recruits. What about the other four? You think the Royal Recruit evolution shard would just appear again in the shop, waiting for you to purchase it like an obedient dog? No, it won’t. The season shop rotates every month, including the shop-featured character.
From my knowledge and research, there were NO reruns of each character’s evolution shard once they appeared in the shop once. You know what this means? That’s right, you can only buy the general one now if you want to keep upgrading Royal Recruits. And considering the shop only refreshes once a month, you can only evolve Royal Recruits in five months.
FIVE MONTHS. THAT’S ALMOST HALF A YEAR. With that time, you could be on your way to learn a new language, get into a new game, or even meet STRONGER WHALES IN THE GAME. Not only is this shit tedious, if it isn’t boring for you, it is for me. In fact, I’m sick and tired of this shit ass mechanic. Reminder that this is only ONE CHARACTER. There’s a few Evolved characters, so good goddamn luck getting all the Evolved cards to beat your opponent with different strategies and specific Evolved cards. As you know, Supercell just loves fucking over F2P players because they’re mad those players don’t spend any money.
You know, I just realized something. Remember LINE Let’s Get Rich? The one with very short-lived events? Like 4-day kind of events? Clash Royale’s season period would be really good for LGR. The latter’s just releasing overpowered crazy characters that surpass the previous ones, you might as well release it slowly to make the game more balanced. Not only will I have enough time to save up for the next character/pendant, I would even be have time to try and farm in-game currency to get the current event character or pendant. Fair for everyone, right? But no, the world is unfair. Games like these two exist.
I’m already enraged just talking about this game’s new shitty ass features because they’re just that bad. I haven’t even got to the gameplay part. YET.
Onto my next hated point, I will talk about it with my experiences from playing this game once again, because it is related to the battles I did. The first few matches I had were a success. With some changes to my deck, I was able to beat my opponents pretty easily. Then, it all went downhill, and it changed the whole trajectory of the game. Speaking of it only reminds me of the trauma I faced and the urge to throw my phone out of the window.
I started losing a lot consecutively. The matchmaking just started becoming a dickhead to me like last time, putting me against people with level 14 cards or tower. Real fair, after I JUST CAME BACK FROM THE GAME WITH AT MOST LEVEL 12 CARDS, LEVEL 12 TOWER, AND ONLY ONE LEVEL 13 CARD. After all, I LOVE going against people that are not my size. The card rotations the game gives me are also a joke I can laugh at. It never gives me what I need. When I needed Zap to counter Skeleton Army, it isn’t in my four available cards. Instead, it is in the next card available after I use one of the current ones. Real funny, game. What do you expect me to use to counter? A Bandit? Wall Breakers? FIREBALL?
When I lose or am about to, the opponent never fails to taunt me with emotes, something I really hate. This is why I disabled the emotes. The new cards I’ve never seen before, plus all that Evolved shit coming in, screwed me over. Not completely, though. There was this one other thing that caught me so off-guard I had to take a timeout. I had to go to sleep and wake up to confirm it is indeed not just a dream or a fragment of fantasy, but a reality.
Spells have splash damage.
It sounds trivial, but it’s a fucking piece of shit to deal with. I used to be able to counter many things with my Skeleton Army. You name it, I can destroy it. Elite Barbarians, Royal Giant, Hog Rider. Even with Rage and Freeze spells last time, I was able to eliminate each and every one of those troops with Mirror and Clone. That, honestly, was mostly what made me able to climb quite high.
With this update, all hopes were dashed, and it came crashing down to the ground. As long as the opponent drop a Rage or Freeze on their troops, my skeletons would be instantly killed on the spot due to splash damage. Now, I have to wait like a coward for the troops to come to my tower, pray that my opponent don’t have no fuckin’ spells or logs in their rotation, and then place them down. Even so, the opponent could just be waiting for me to put that down, and as soon as that happens, the drop the Rage, and BOOM now I have nothing to stop the incoming Elite Barbarians. I can’t do nothing except watch helplessly as they take away my tower and bid it sayonara.
This has got to be the SHITTIEST thing in all of the new updates. Whose fuckin’ idea was it to make spells have damage? What kind of lunatic do one have to be to think that spells aren’t already boosting the troops, and it needs more power? I might as well make the doomsday spell that costs 10 elixir, but it kills every troop on the field and takes fifty percent of the opponent’s tower’s health, as well as one quarter of mine. That’s your definition of fun, right, Supercell? That’s what you would want, correct?
This is the second time I’m writing a separate episode for goddamn Supercell. The first time was Brawl Stars. In both times, I’m shitting on their games. That’s how bad this company and their games are. At least NaturalMotion is just bad with one horrible game. Supercell has two, and they’re outright disgusting on the outside and inside. And no, I won’t talk about Clash Of Clans because I never played that game.
Coming back to this game was a horrible mistake I have made, and I’ll never be able to turn back time to undo this decision, nor can I ever forget the anger I gained from this. Fuck this game, fuck Supercell, I’m never ever gonna play a single shitty ass game from this shitty company anymore. Time and time again, I have given them chances by playing their games again and over again, but somehow, each time, they’re able to make it in a worse state than it was before. They made it more unfair, broken, and money-grabbing than ever. You can only wonder how a company like Supercell can even churn out asinine ass heaps like these, and imagine what their management team is like.
Why won’t this game die? Why won’t this company go bankrupt? Why won’t these type of games just stop coming out? Well, I guess I’ll never know, but until then…
Fuck Supercell games. They suck.
