Magic: The Gathering
Magical Thinking: Dark Ascension
Welcome back to Magical Thinking, a look at the art and cards of Magic: the Gathering, set by set, from the beginning, all through the eyes of a casual fan. This week we look at the second set from the Innistrad block: February 2012’s Dark Ascension.
Things are looking pretty bleak on Innistrad: Avacyn, the guardian angel that protects Innistrad, is missing, and without her protection the various monsters of Innistrad are driving humanity to the brink of extinction. It’s up to our favorite vampire Planeswalker Sorin Markov to find Avacyn and set things right. Will he succeed? Let’s find out.
If any card captures the spirit of 2020, it’s this card.
I have the curse of exhaustion myself. It’s why I don’t get around to these articles until late at night.
Fateful hour is one of the new mechanics of this set. Basically if you are near death, this kicks in and gives you a powerful boost. Not powerful enough though, because apparently this keyword was not very well received and was scrapped for later sets. Ah, well. They can’t all be winners.
Ah, Loyal Cathar. You know he’s only two weeks away from retirement, and his daughter is getting married, and his wife finally took him back after all these years. Really makes life worth living and you already know where this is going…
Yep, that’s pretty much how it goes. You either live long enough to become the villain, or you die a hero, and then come back as the villain anyway. Man, Innistrad is the worst.
This is part of the Arena beginner set, so while not standard legal you can play with it right now. Of course I don’t think it’s gonna see much use outside of cat tribal decks (which are a thing). Also, most soldiers in Magic are 1/1, but apparently some random church cat is tougher than a trained soldier. Go figure.
The famous less-is-more school of horror. What happened to these vanished people? No one knows. No one will ever know (Of course, the exiled cards come back at the end of the turn, so maybe everyone just had to go to the bathroom).
“Crap I left my oven on. BRB.”
If I saw that jump into a manhole, I would just straight up move out of the county because holy crap.
Another spell I have experience with. I like the flavor here because it’s implying the spell messes with a summon so the creature’s skeleton doesn’t form right. It’s an interesting effect. And horrifying. Mostly horrifying.
Here’s another one I am familiar with. These guys were in standard recently, and man they were annoying to deal with. I do love the flavor though. I imagine how much more fun a Christmas Carol would have been of Marley had just used his chains to drag Scrooge off into the night himself.
There is such a thing as having too many eyes.
Undying is the other new mechanic of this set. It’s basically like Persist from Shadowmoor, but instead the creature comes back with a +1/+1 counter. So kill this guy once, he comes back as a 6/6 and mills five more of your cards. Not a fun prospect to deal with at all.
This is me trying to comprehend Yugioh rules.
Not that anyone wants to hear me talk about Yugioh. YES I’M STILL BITTER.
Long live the king *Shoves off*
Always wanted to do that but the opportunity never comes up.
Wow, and I thought the guy from Amnesia in The Dark had it rough. Blue is not afraid to do some grievous damage to the old gray matter.
Bella Swan as a Magic card. I love the flavor of needing to have a vampire turn her.
The new barbecue sauce-flavored skeletons were not a big hit, unfortunately. Many, many lawsuits ensued.
Um, Liliana? If you want to impress the locals, maybe next time make a zombie with, I don’t know, LEGS? Just a thought.
“Oh crap, I overslept! I should have been at Bald Mountain an hour ago. Man, Chernabog is gonna be so mad.”
Hey, it’s that guy from the last set. OH NO! And he was two weeks from retirement too!
What is that old saying? Tragedy is stubbing my toe, comedy is falling into a well. Well, now you can pick; tragedy or comedy?
I’d make a Walking Dead joke, but I think the well has been poisoned on crossing Magic with Walking Dead.
For those who don’t know, the whole Alpha and Omega wolf thing isn’t actually a thing. It’s based on bad science and I think even the person who did the study admitted they messed up. So enough of the whole alpha thing already. It just promotes toxic masculinity and it really limits the options on werewolf lore.
I think one of the players in my current Ravenloft campaign would appreciate this lady.
OH NO, THEY GOT STATLER AND WALDORF! Rest in peace you heckling masters.
Man, that Grizzly Adams reboot is WEIRD.
I still don’t know. I mean, dragons don’t fit the gothic horror thing. Just…why? Why dragons?
So I guess that whole “counting dragons as allies of humanity” thing didn’t pan out, did it? Maybe you need higher standards than “don’t shapeshift and are alive”.
For when you get an itch at that one spot on your back you can’t reach. You know the one.
Oh hey, he’s not a shapeshifter or undead. He must be a good guy!
That’s you, Thalia. That’s what you sound like.
Also: the spirit of Uncle Istvan lives on!
I knew that using Soylent Green as fertilizer was a bad idea.
I love how it’s looking right at the camera. It’s like it’s staring straight at you…okay this is creeping me out I’m gonna move on…
Now this is a twist to Red Riding Hood I could get behind. The “wolf” is just a normal guy, and Red and Granny are both werewolves.
SEE WHAT I MEAN? Wizards knows what’s up.
Okay, so Innistrad also has dryads. I kind of dig it. It can’t all just be zombies, werewolves and vampires. And I think this fits a little better than dragons.
Good to see he kept up his fencing training after becoming undead. Self improvement is important.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a horror game without a Lich. Now we got the whole set of Ravenloft Big Bads.
And here is Innistrad’s homegrown anti-hero and professional Castlevania cosplayer, Sorin Markov. Despite what Thalia thinks, this is a vampire you can trust… I think. Don’t quote me.
This is the extradimensional prison where Avacyn was stuffed. It’s where Sorin put a certain someone else, but more on that later.
Yeah, the Jar of Eyeballs are a great conversation starter. Don’t ever take one to a Halloween party though. There’s always that one dumbass who mistakes them for peeled grapes.
Hey, it’s Evolving Wilds, gothic horror edition.
And with that our look at Dark Ascension draws to a close. Is Innistrad doomed? Will Avacyn be restored? Tune in next time for the final set of Innistrad block: Avacyn Restored.
…Yes I did the same joke from New Phyrexia. SUE ME, IT’S STILL FUNNY. See you next week and remember to Stay Magical.
