Magic: The Gathering
Magical Thinking: Theros
Welcome back to Magical Thinking, a look back at the cards and art of Magic: the Gathering, set by set, from the beginning. All through the eyes of a casual fan. This week we begin a new block on a new plane. So grab a gyro and some ambrosia, and settle in as we take a look at the first set of the Theros block, 2013’s Theros.
Theros is a plane based loosely on Greek myth, where gods walk among mortals, and the mystical Nyx brings dreams to life. In this strange land we follow two planeswalkers: Our old friend Elspeth, who has come back to Theros with the hopes of settling down and having a peaceful life (which is complicated by a certain god) and Xenagos, a native satyr planeswalker who has aspirations of becoming a god himself. What will happen when these two tales intersect? Let’s find out.
Theros is the “enchantment matters” plain, it’s all enchantments all the time! And so we get the official introduction of a mechanic we last saw in Future Sight: Enchantment creatures. Like artifact creatures they behave like both enchantments and creatures. We also get one of the other new set mechanics: Bestow, which let’s you play a creature as an enchantment. Then, when that creature dies, it becomes a creature again. Bestow is a 7 on the Storm Scale, so don’t expect to see too much of it.
Anyone who is a student of Greek mythology will tell you most of the Greek gods weren’t very nice. And these cards definitely reflect this. But more on that when we get to the actual gods.
Man, Elspeth just has the worst luck of any planeswalker; she was born on a Phyrexian controlled world, had to leave her homeland of Bant, failed to stop Mirrodin from becoming New Phyrexia, and all she wants to do is settle down and here she is getting dragged into this divine drama BS. Let the lady take a breather! She can’t be #Girlboss all the time, dammit!
Here’s another new mechanic: Heroic. Basically whenever you cast a spell on a guy with heroic, it does something cool. This meshes with the whole enchantments-matter theme of this block, which means you want to drop as many auras as you can on this guy.
Here we have our first god. And I mean first ever because this set introduces the concept of god creatures into Magic. This is Heloid, the sun god, our Zeus equivalent, and as we will find out a major asshole. But more on that later.
Let’s take a second to talk about another new mechanic: Devotion basically looks at the mana symbols on your permanent costs. The higher your devotion to a color, the better. In this case sufficient devotion lets Heliod manifest in the real world and kick some ass. Not only is it a neat mechanic, it’s also flavorful to how gods work on Theros (Which is probably the only time I’ve liked the whole “gods need prayers badly” trope).
I am kind of a Greek myth buff, so a lot of these cards are amusing to me because I know specifically which creatures they are referencing. In this case it’s the Hecatonheiries, a group of giants who possessed one hundred heads and one hundred pairs of arms. Here they lose the hundred heads, but they keep the arms in the form of disembodied arms. We also get another new mechanic: Monstrosity lets you beef up a monster by paying mana and make them monstrous, which gives them extra powers. In this case letting this giant block up to one hundred opponents at once. Let’s see your squirrel army get to me now.
It wouldn’t be a set about Greek myths without having the gods put your creatures through all sorts of tests to prove their awesomeness. Like in this case where you get to beef up your creature and then get some life in exchange. It’s not exactly twelve labors but it’s a start.
I guess not all giants can have one hundred arms. some have to settle for just stacking rocks in the middle of nowhere.
Can we just stop and appreciate that a philosopher has the same stats as a grizzly bear? Theros philosophers are bad ass.
This set also sees the return of the scry mechanic, and I think this is about the time it really began to stick around and become a permanent part of Magic. No surprise since it’s such a good ability; not too powerful but insanely useful.
I don’t think we’ve had chimera in Magic before. Maybe we have but if so not many. *checks* Okay we have had a few chimera, but they were all artifact creatures from early on. Now we have real proper chimera.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Greek myth set without a reference to Circe and her ability to turn people into pigs. Hope you like Bacon. And Miyazaki movies. Spirited Away reference.
The creation of GPS was a real game changer on Theros. Also weird, this is a Blue card while Minotaurs are traditionally Red creatures.
Oh, Theros has merfolk as well, called tritons. Also, I think the mechanics here are neat because they ensure your elemental tokens won’t survive losing your Master of Waves.
What’s better than a sphinx? A sphinx with a huge killer beard. I mean, look at that gorgeous mane. I’m not even really a beard guy and I think that thing looks awesome.
And of course we gotta release the kraken. Although it looks like Theros kraken are more crab than squid. Get some butter and like a mountain of tartar sauce and that’s good eating.
Here is our second god: Thassa, god of the sea. Probably my personal favorite of the Theros gods, mainly because of a card that won’t come out till much later. She’s pretty badass.
Yes, even in Theros we can’t escape the scourge of vaping.
So I guess Theros is flat then? That’s the implication I got from this card.
Theros also has its own breed of undead called “the returned”. They are people who came back from the underworld as mask-wearing zombies without the ability to make memories. I’m not sure if this guy counts as a returned but I’m talking about them here anyway.
I mean, if they are a Black creature they really should have seen this coming. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.
Here is our Hades equivalent, who is continually unfairly maligned just like Hades. The guy is just doing his job. Also, this may be one of the more powerful gods we’ve seen thus far, since keeping opponents from gaining life and card drawing is pretty huge.
Alright, this one requires some explanation. In Greek myth, one of Hercules labors was to kill the evil king Diomedes, who had trained his horses to eat human flesh. Hercules beat him by feeding him to his own killer horses, which caused them to become tame. And so here we have Fleshmad Steed, who like Diomedes’ killer horses, are real unreliable because they stop for a snack break every time someone dies. Still, points for being a mythology deep cut.
Oh dear, now here is a card with some notoriety. The Gray Merchant of Asphodel (or Gary as he is known in the Magic community) is a pretty powerful card, and it’s easy to see why. With the right board, Gary here can be a one-hit KO. Or at the very least turn the tables on a losing battle. Just keep your devotion high when you drop this bad boy down.
Uh, and this is pretty obviously based on the Greek myth of… I have no idea. Look, there are only so many Greek myths and they have a lot of cards to cover. Sometimes you just gotta have a wolf snake made of stars okay?
Yeah this is definitely a better example of a returned. You can tell them by the gray skin and signature gold mask. Also, returned are really messed up and scary. I mean, we just finished a gothic horror set not to long ago and nothing there was as creepy as the returned.
Meanwhile, at the Mountain Dew testing facility.
I did mention the Theros Gods were kind of assholes, right?
I’m guessing from the flavor text that “The Champion” is meant to be Elspeth. Also, Mogis is the Black/Red God, and the patron of Minotaurs on Theros, but more on him later.
Man, I hate to be the guy who reaches the underworld and has to tell them the cause of death was “squashed by giant flaming head.’
There actually were Satyr’s in Magic before this. You may remember the Lumbering Satyr from way back in Mercadian Masques, and the Loaming Satyr from Legends. No? Well they’re there, I looked it up. Anyway, now we have Satyrs as a proper tribe, and they are Red and Green, and doing the Gruul clans proud by being down to party all the time. And not the fun type of partying either. I mean the “something is getting lit on fire and a couch is going out a window” type of party. Someone’s bed is getting shat upon.
Cyclopes sound like me when I read about people still refusing to get vaccinated.
You know, they announced Magic crossovers with both Fortnite and Street Fighter today, so I personally look forward to the inevitable Secret Lair with Sonic the Hedgehog and reprinting this card with Sonic on it. Gotta go fast.
Here is Purphoros, probably the least interesting of the five main Theros Gods . I’m sorry but he’s the big forge guy. There’s not enough to set him apart from Hephaestus in my eyes.
Time to crank the Led Zeppelin and ramble on. Sadly the Lord of the Rings set won’t be out till next year, so we have to wait a bit before we get Gollum and the evil one.
Of course we need a few dragons. I don’t think Greek myth has any dragons in it, but whatever, they look cool. Come on, it’s dragons!
Hey, a Sisyphus reference. Those are always fun. I kind of want to see a Hades Secret Lair from Magic now (Hades as in the rogue-like video game by Giant Bomb. Go play it, it’s awesome).
“I predict you are about to lose your favorite vase. *Smash* Now I predict you are gonna ask for a refund.”
I don’t blame you, Elspeth. It’s a shame though, all you have for help is this group of idiots.
I don’t know, Kleon. With this group you can take your pick.
Of course it wouldn’t be Green without hydras, and with this being the Greek myth we’re gonna have a bumper crop. Including this big boy who has a hate-on for Blue magic users.
And the last of the gods for this set, we have Nylea, the Artemis equivalent. She’s probably my second favorite of the main gods after Thassa, although again, mainly for a card we wont get until later.
And here we have the biggest of all boys. Polukranos actually sets Elspeth’s story in motion because he’s the hydra Elspeth kills which gets Heliod’s attention. So this big boy has a small part, but a big impact. Also, he later comes back as a zombie, which is awesome.
Satyr’s are pretty much the definition of YOLO.
Yeah you gotta watch out for the little guys. 1/1 deathtouches for 1 mana are the worst. This is the voice of experience talking.
Yeah, I don’t remember any giant foxes from Greek myth, but I’m not gonna complain because those are cool.
And here we have Ashiok, a fan favorite among planeswalkers. Easy to see why. They got a great design and are a super-creepy nightmare creator. But they don’t really do anything storyline wise. They’re always kind of just there. Ah well, I’m sure Ashiok will get their day in the sun one day.
I think Daxos is supposed to be the Hercules of Theros. Or maybe the Jason. Some kind of legendary hero. Point is he’s Elspeth’s companion on her adventures here, up until he dies.
Here’s another Hercules myth deep cut: The Nemean Lion, who was Hercules’ first main enemy and was a big indestructible lion Hercules choked out and skinned for his trademark look.
Polis Crusher is a creature immune to enchantments in a set that’s focused on enchantments. It’s like they say: In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king. And Polis Crusher also has one eye so that still applies.
I just want to say its pretty metal that the Charon equivalent of this setting uses griffin skeletons to keep dead souls in line.
I was just reading about Tymaret in the Theros DnD book. Basically, he was sent by Erebos to kill Phenax, the first mortal who escaped the underworld to become a returned. The thing is because Phenax is basically Loki (in that he’s a shapeshifter and master of disguise) Tymaret just kills everyone he meets to be sure, and then Phenax became a god and so he’s forever beyond Tymarett’s reach and he just…keeps on killing. They don’t call him the murder king for nothing. If you ever see this guy, run.
Hey, speaking of guys you should run away from. This is Xenagos. Remember how I said Theros’ Satyrs were not the fun kind of partiers? Well Xenagos is even worse. A Xenagos party is a party where you end up burying a body in the desert before the night is over. And this guy wants to become a god. Which I should not have to tell you is pretty bad for everyone involved.
If you are a fan of old fantasy movies like I am, you probably recognize this guy from Jason and the Argonauts. I also like how he’s basically a normal statue till he becomes monstrous, and once he activates he’s pretty much unstoppable and can crush your opponent like a bug.
I for one support the gay kings of Theros and would love to have their stories told.
Here we have a new type of dual lands, the scry lands (AKA the temples), which are lands which let you scry when they come into play. Probably my favorite of the dual color lands.
And thus our first foray into Theros ends. Will Eslpeth find peace? Will Xenagos become a god? Will Ashiok do anything interesting ever? All these questions and more will be answered next time with the next set of the Theros block: Born of the Gods. See you then, and until then, Stay Magical.
