Exploring Emotional Triggers, Random and Otherwise

Saturday, I attended my first virtual memorial service since Chelsea passed. I was completely unprepared for the experience, and what it unleashed.

While there are lots of emotional triggers right now, it’s the unexpected triggers that hit the hardest: you don’t see them coming, so you’re not prepared for the emotional onslaught when it hits.

Often, the random triggers make complete sense in hindsight, but that reverse time view doesn’t help at all when it comes to the prediction process. You might be saying, ‘of course a funeral would be a trigger,’ but I really thought I would be okay with this one. The person in question was a former colleague, someone I respected but didn’t know particularly well, so I didn’t have a significant emotional attachment. The funeral was virtual, and in my limited experience, I’ve found virtual gatherings to lack the emotional valence of in-person gatherings (although, I have been astonished at how much connection you can create virtually). And, in general, I’ve felt okay about things in the last few weeks.

But this event sent me into a tailspin.

Applying 20–20 hindsight, my reaction makes sense: Chelsea and I met at the institution at which my colleague worked, so thinking about my colleague inevitably made me think about the time Chelsea and I spent early on in our relationship (the headline picture is of the two of us the year we met). My colleague also had an incredibly long career, influencing people over decades, which drove home the fact that Chelsea’s life got cut short. She had a good 10+ years of teaching, first as a graduate student, and then as a professor, and the testimonials former students/colleagues have sent speak to her impact. But, she had so much more life to live, and being at the funeral of a revered professor who had 40 years of impact brings the brevity of Chelsea’s professional life into relief. And finally, the virtual event had some breakout rooms where I got to speak with old colleagues who I haven’t seen since Chelsea passed, which of course brought up some emotional stuff.

So yeah, that happened, and my Saturday was pretty rough.

Fortunately, Sunday was better, as was Monday. And as I wrote about last week, simply making it to the next day feeling alright gives me a growing confidence that I’ll be okay in the long run. So in that sense, Saturday was a milestone in that I survived my first funeral post Chelsea, and that’s not an insignificant accomplishment.

But still, it’s hard to predict some of these triggers, and I can’t help but try, even if it is like trying to hold back an avalanche. The emotional forces I’m dealing with are incredibly powerful, their presence ubiquitous in my life, and they often come through the course of everyday living. These emotional triggers probably have a significant role to play in the healing process, and simply letting them happen, sitting with the emotions, and processing through reflections will aid in the healing. Of course, there is a balance, in that one could trend towards masochism by intentionally courting these triggers. I’m trying to walk a middle path, where I don’t intentionally trigger the triggers, but also don’t run from them.

So, what does this look like in practice? I got randomly zapped by Wonder Woman 1984 (the Steve Travers thing, if you’ve seen the movie), and used that unexpected trigger to think and reflect. But I also intentionally watched Soul, having a good sense that it would hit me, because I felt I was in a position to think about some of the important questions Soul addresses. It was a fantastic movie, highly recommended, but it did, predictably, hit me pretty hard.

Of course, I haven’t worked up the courage to watch the opening scene of Up, and probably won’t for quite some time. That will be a major milestone.

In summary, triggers are everywhere, often unpredictable, probably have a role to play, and hurt like hell when you can’t see them coming.

I’ll close with a funny story about Chelsea, given that I’ve referenced her teaching. Chelsea loved to travel, having spent part of her childhood living abroad and traveling the world. She always wanted to get to New Zealand, but never had the chance. I was recently talking with one of her mentors, who told me that she frequently uses Chelsea’s syllabi as exemplars on how to do contract grading with students in undergraduate writing courses. Apparently, Chelsea’s mentor traveled to New Zealand for a conference last year and used one of those syllabi. So while Chelsea never got to New Zealand, her syllabus did. Chelsea would love that.