There, But “Not There” — Daring to Desist
Spending a week in Boston on the threshold of the COVID-19 explosion — and having to make a very difficult choice
Leaving Rome, Italy, to fly to Boston MA., USA on the 7th of March 2020 was no doubt a questionable decision: a governmental decree had just imposed a nationwide shutdown of schools throughout the whole of Italy for the upcoming fortnight, and deciding to travel just then felt like a bit of a gamble. But how could I not go? Boston was calling to me powerfully. It was the location for a project that our MIT Bootcamp Alumni team had worked on passionately, patiently and painstakingly for almost 2 years: to convene over forty Alumni from the MIT Entrepreneurship Bootcamp programme, coming from all over the world, for a 4-day event of reconnecting, interacting, brainstorming and networking.
As I usually do when faced with momentous and difficult choices, I decided to do my best to carry my intention to completion, while remaining mindful to signals and staying in tune with the flow of things— and then see what fate might have in store for me. I could never have guessed how things were about to play out in the days to follow.
Here is the day-by-day diary of my adventure into the unknown.
Thursday 5th March, 2020
2:04 pm CET
I am still not sure whether I will be leaving for Boston at this point — the coronavirus situation seems to be escalating in some parts of the world, including Italy, and there is a slight risk I might get myself stuck in quarantine there for two weeks, if things were to play out adversely. Waiting for a signal from the universe to guide me. I am open to all possibilities, but I will need to make a decision by tomorrow afternoon. My fellow Bootcamper Alumni are half-jokingly sharing their “reunion attire” with the hashtag #ReunionReady.
Friday 6th March, 2020
9.15 pm CET
I am juggling between the Alitalia online check-in (should open in a few minutes), various accommodation booking options in Boston, checking news updates on international travel conditions and restrictions, and am quite curious to see what fate has in store for me next.
9.36 pm CET
All schools and universities across Italy are closed as of yesterday, until 15th March. So not only Noemi but also Michele and Costanza — three of our five children — will be “at home” during my absence. I would not take that as a reason to not travel, however. I have just completed my online check-in with Alitalia.
Saturday 7th March, 2020
00.02 am CET
I won’t really know whether I actually do end up leaving, until I am physically buckled up in my plane seat. I am aware that MIT has recently published restrictions that prohibit anyone arriving from Italy to go onto campus.
Most of our planned reunion activities are to take place elsewhere than on the MIT campus, but this is something I will nonetheless need to think about, in terms of overall social responsibility and coherence. Of course I start to ask myself: “what counts as MIT campus, and what does not? Is it just about lecture halls and the inside of buildings, or does it include external spaces such as fields and sidewalks?
8.32 am CET
For now all seems to be going in the direction of playing out smoothly. I arrive well ahead of time at Fiumicino airport, complete my check-in, successfully pass security, and am waiting to know which gate to head towards. Plane will be departing on time (although half empty, which is certainly to my advantage), I have Lemsip, Vitamin C, propolis, hand wipes and hand sanitiser gel with me.
Children are all briefed and I will be checking in with them daily. Some relatives of mine who live in Cambridge MA are ready to accommodate me in case I get stranded. I am still juggling three accommodation options until the very last minute. I have renewed my 2016 Boston Blue Bikes bike-sharing membership to cycle around Boston, and I even have my cycling helmet packed in my suitcase. I have all our 4-day event locations pinned and saved on a special Google Maps list. I have spoken to staff at Logan airport for the latest updates on passengers arriving from Italy, and have also discussed my presence at the Reunion with my two chief event planners. I feel strong and ready for anything.
We as a reunion planning team (of eight) have today issued the following message to our event attendees:
“Reunion Update: Addressing the Coronavirus Scare
Hello Fellow Reunion Attendees,
We are almost in our 11th hour and most of you are boarding your flights to Boston now or will be travelling soon over the coming 72 hours.
We have been monitoring the situation and understand that there is always a risk of passing infectious diseases in any sort of gathering, especially one of an international nature. (…) We are therefore going ahead with our scheduled Reunion, as planned.
Addressing the elephant in the house, here are a few myth busters about the virus:
(…) etc. etc.
For any further concerns or queries, please feel free to reach out to us. You can also go through this information website by CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) to get further, scientifically authentic information.
We hope the above information helps you to better understand the situation and to make informed decisions during your visit to Boston.
We look forward to seeing you all soon!”
9.30 am CET
Now boarding. Flight is looking like it will be very empty, there is hardly anyone at the departure gate.
I’m amazed they didn’t cancel the flight just because of low occupancy.
We get thermo-scanned from a distance as we board the plane.
This is my flight: 35 passengers on a 230-seater. This is quite, quite extraordinary.
I am curious to understand why they did not cancel due to low occupancy, so I ask the flight assistant: it’s because their return flight from Boston is full. I feel excited and extraordinarily blessed.
I have the whole row to myself, with 3 pillows and 3 blankets. This is probably my best long distance flight, ever.
2.23 pm EST
Just got past US customs! I. AM. IN.
Now I will go to the hostel and decide whether to stay there, or whether to book myself into another place.
3.03 pm EST
I take the (free) Silver Line bus and ride from Logan airport into downtown Boston, South Station.
3.30 pm EST
Beauty and freedom!!! The air is fresh and blue and sunny.
4.28 pm EST
I arrive at the HI Boston hostel in Stuart Street. I am booked into a 6-bed female dorm but it now feels more appropriate to request a single room, despite the considerable difference in price. Unfortunately it is only available starting tomorrow, so I will need to spend a first night in the dorm. I am hoping that somehow the other occupants might not show up. I am slightly relieved when I reach the room to discover that it is unoccupied.
5.19 pm EST
As I take a late afternoon stroll across Boston Common, I am flanked by the moon to the East and the sun to the West. I do like Boston. It’s not as exciting or edgy as New York or LA, but it’s genteel and open, and I love the climate — it has proper seasons.
6.15 pm EST
I venture out for a solitary dinner, looking for a place that had caught my eye earlier as I had walked from South Station to the hostel. I’ve not had shabu-shabu since my Tokyo days, so that’s… 39 years ago!!! Most of the Bootcampers have not yet arrived in Boston, although I did notice a message in our Reunion group chat from someone, asking if anyone was already in town. Something keeps me from answering, I am not sure what. So I prefer to lay low, and go for dinner alone.
7.33 pm EST
It turns out that there are 4 other occupants in the room, a group of girls from Spain who are probably Michele or Costanza’s age. We do not socialise at all, something just makes us spontaneously keep to our own spaces. Discretion? Premonition?
My little cubby hole is stocked up with fruits and oats and water that I purchased at SevenEleven. And I feel a bit like an astronaut!
I will go shower and then tuck in for an “early” night — it’s still only 7.30pm here, and we will move clocks forward by one hour tonight.
Sunday 8th March, 2020
8.18 am EDT
The four Spanish girls were quiet as mice: they returned to the room and went to bed just after me. I woke up twice (at 2am and 5am) and felt fresh and ready to bounce out of bed, but made myself fall back asleep again so that I could properly switch over my body clock. Ended up waking at 7.30 and having totalled 9.5 hours of solid sleep.
My breakfast this morning: waffles, fruit and cereal.
I am able to move from the dormitory into my new single room, but I think I might ask if it’s possible to have the green one, as the red walls feel a little bit too intense for my liking.
I grab another Boston Blue Bike and cycle across Longfellow Bridge into the Cambridge area: I am in “stealth mode” near the MIT campus, and to be honest, I feel a bit like an outlaw! I am mindful to keep well away from people, and make sure to clean the bicycle handlebars before and after use. A colleague of mine who lives and works in Boston and with whom I had been planning to meet up texts me that she prefers to cancel. This makes me ponder, as new thoughts are beginning to coalesce and take shape in my mind: I feel a new direction emerging, subtly, but forcefully.
I cycle to the Atlantis Health Club planning to swim some laps but then change my mind. An inner voice tells me it’s not the best idea, just now.
Being on Memorial Drive brings back a surge of memories, of August 2016: it was so hot then, and at night when we came out of Sloan School of Management after a long day of lectures and project work, and waited for our Ubers to come fetch us, the sidewalks were alive with hundreds of small rabbits. It feels like another lifetime ago.
1.12 pm EDT
I continue my cycle around the city. Skaters whizz up and down the streets, in the midst of traffic. It’s a spectacular and exciting sight!
And I absolutely love Newbury Street.
2.20 pm EDT
Back in my room, I check my emails. MIT campus is really starting to lock down now. Our campus liaisons are beginning to voice strong concerns concerning our reunion and suggesting we cancel or postpone it, because of so many attendees arriving from many different parts of the world. I know that Italy poses a particular problem, and that my presence is perceived as an issue.
I am beginning to grasp that I am the intruder in an increasingly tense overall picture, and I am beginning to feel like an outsider. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, I struggle between a growing sense of exclusion and a rising sense of needing to define my personal position, not only as a single individual, but in the context of a larger social system.
The COVID-19 situation, I think to myself, is a very difficult one to manage: I feel compassion for both those who need to issue — or comply with — regulations. Each person sees the picture from their own peculiar vantage point. Personally, and also in their own social context.
So I point no fingers and respect all positions. I am groping to find my space, my philosophy, a line of behaviour in this picture of growing disorder.
3.24 pm EDT
I have switched to a lovely green room, as I had hoped. It feels fabulously fresh. I feel free despite being more and more self-confined.
I can’t complain: I have my work, my laptop, an internet connection, and plenty to stay occupied. I have everything I need. Well, almost everything. I might actually now need to give up on the main reason for which I came all the way here.
3.37 pm EDT
My mind races to explore possibilities. Is there a way perhaps to get a proper COVID-19 swab done? It is becoming clear to me that although I am feeling and looking perfectly healthy, I could potentially be an asymptomatic carrier, and end up jeopardising our entire reunion! I need to ascertain for myself and for others that I am not a virus-carrier, to end any potential apprehension or controversy.
5.33 pm EDT
I am so near to the goal, and yet suddenly so far, again: 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Argh!!! It is exasperating, it feels like trying to grasp at straws.
Then a sudden little social media discovery acts as a mood-vitamin and lifts my spirits in this moment of exasperation. I succumb to being ridiculously-childishly-excited about a notification: “Adam Kahane viewed your Linkedin profile”.
That’s cool. However, re-focusing on next steps: I need to come up with a social solution that is appropriate, acceptable and sensible.
5.56 pm EDT
I get on the phone with MGH (Massachusetts General Hospital) who are the only ones able to currently run COVID-19 detection tests in Boston — says a cousin who is a doctor. They tell me, however, that they won’t test me for COVID-19 if I exhibit none of the crucial symptoms: fever, dry cough and shortness of breath. They can, however, give me an overall health check and then issue me with a general health report — which for my current situation would be of no use to me, at all.
7.57 pm EDT
It’s now minus 2 days until reunions kicks off. Our Reunion Planning team convenes online via chat and Zoom meetings for updates, and to discuss next steps. Some of my teammates suggest a vote amongst participants to decide on:
a) whether to move all activities off MIT campus, and about
b) whether the majority feels that I should take part or desist.
In a first moment, I am agreeable to holding a community vote on this, but it also quite quickly becomes clear to me that if even a single person is worried about my presence, then we would need to respect that position out of principle and this would therefore require me to not show up. Not sure how we can untangle from this knot? My assumption is that most people will prefer to be safe than sorry: I am not going to take it personally and am ready to keep away from any part of the event that is necessary to make us compliant.
Monday 9th March, 2020
9.15 am EDT
This is how I prepped for my team meeting this morning:
By going for a LOVELY cycle across the neighbourhood and focusing on all the things that are filling me with joy, which include: good health, amazing weather, being in a beautiful city, continuing the work, albeit in quirky and unexpected ways, turning adversity into opportunity. I am (almost) totally happy, and (almost) at peace with the world.
My resolve is strengthening: I now know with unshakable certainty the choice that I am going to have to make.
12.04pm EDT
It’s not a me/them thing, but a WE thing. I feel that everyone (except Trump) is doing their best to act with maximum social responsibility and with the intellectual and material resources they are able to muster. Yes I did travel in absolute good faith and have been (I hope) making the best possible decision each step of the way, which at this point in time, given the latest data, CDC recommendations, complexities, and (not least) my own gut feeling, is to self-isolate and renounce attending the event activities and also mingling with attendees.
12.54pm EDT
I write to Tom, one of my team buddies:
“I don’t know whether you have read the intense flow of back and forth emails from the last 48 hours: the situation is very complex and there are so many factors to consider. I have thought about it at length, and I have come to the decision that in view of the greater community good, I shall:
1. Voluntarily self-isolate from the reunion venues, and avoid any sort of contact or physical proximity with other Bootcamp Alumni for as long as I stay in Boston;
2. Do my best to offer my online support and presence for the reunion, where useful;
3. Try to make arrangements to return home earlier, on Thursday 12th March (which will be difficult given the numerous travel disruptions under meanwhile occurring.)”
2.48pm EDT
I was just wondering how come I was seeing people walk around wearing shorts, tank tops and flip flops: because it is actually TWENTY degrees Celsius in Boston today, can you believe it?!
4.04pm EDT
Tom has replied: “Hi Rachel! I have caught up on the various emails. What can I say? All this is truly surreal. My take on the virus situation is that we are as though at war, and stopping the spread is priority. Once again I am learning so much from you, your decision is exemplary. A true leader.”
4.21pm EDT
I have cycled across town, over the Longfellow Bridge to Cambridge, all the way to the Harvard area, and am on my way to visit my aunt and uncle. Despite Tom’s words giving me some comfort, I am suddenly not feeling like a leader at all, and slipping into a state of totally undignified sorrow and self-commiseration.
Despite the certainty of doing the right thing, despite knowing this is the only possible choice I can live to not regret at all, my spirit suddenly breaks a little, and tears form a ball in my throat as I park my bike and walk the last part of the way to my relatives’ house. I slow down my steps as tears actually well up in my eyes — ugh! My fellow Bootcampers are all arriving in town and I can witness from afar, through the group chat, their excitement at convening and beginning this new adventure together. It’s so hard to keep being “the lake and not the glass”, as Kelvy would put it. “Oh come on, Rachel,” I tell myself. “Stop being a glass, and become a lake.”
Tuesday 10th March, 2020
6.15am EDT
I spent several hours yesterday on the phone (morning and evening) trying to get through to Alitalia to change my flight but there is no getting through so far. I am starting to feel caught in a time bomb, as though the longer I stay in Boston the more difficult it might become to get home.
And the riskier it might be to travel.
I will go to breakfast as soon as they open, in 44 minutes, when there are less people there. Otherwise I risk bumping into too many of my friends. Oh this is so, so crazy!
Peanut butter and jam! Yummy.
11.50am EDT
Email to a friend:
“Dear Z.,
Forwarding this thread to you, so that you are aware of my position.
It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions since Saturday when I arrived here in Boston: memories of August 2016, the thrill of having braved uncertainty and gotten myself here, the joy of being back, the beauty of this city, the suspense, and then the very difficult decision to self-isolate and now the sadness of being so near to, and yet so far from, the dream come true.”
12.29pm EDT
My takeaway lunch today: broccoli and cheddar soup in a bread bowl!
2.18 pm EDT
Text message from a Fellow-Bootcamper N.A.:
“Just heard that you won’t be able to make it for the bootcamp reunion, I was actually inspired by your decision, I’m truly proud to be part of such community.
Although it’s so sad as I was looking forward to meet you in person.”
7.17 pm EDT
Reply from my friend Z.:
“Hi Rachel,
Thank you for the amazing work you’ve done to get us to this point.
I am very happy you are well under the circumstances. I am equally saddened you were so close to seeing your dream reflected in the eyes of all the boot camp members looking back at you in one place and time. Regardless of what happens this week, we will look forward to a future time where we can all get together again. We will celebrate what you’ve created after so much hard work, and likely tears and sweat wrangling hearts and minds from all corners of the world. This is not easy to do and you have done it! It takes a strong vision and a passion to inspire people to gather and make change happen. The change began with you and will continue online and offline wherever members roam.
I can only imagine how conflicted you must have been to come to Boston from Rome. Could you stay home and not see your baby begin to walk, run and do scavenger hunts? Of course not! It must be difficult emotionally for you to be near Cambridge and self-restrict yourself from setting foot in its soil. Each time I go there, I remember finding “my people” in August 2016. Remembering that feeling brought me back to MN again [ed. MN refers to the Bootcamp Alumni community networking platform on the Mighty Networks]. Thanks for creating that space.
I understand you must return home soon. Your family needs you close. Take care on the way home and give your spirit and immune system some rest.
Be well, Z.”
Tuesday 10th — Friday 13th March, 2020
OK so here is the “other story”, the parallel one: the chronicle about the actual reunion — the one for which I flew to Boston, and for which I was “there, but not there.”
DAY 1 — DAY 2 — DAY 3 — DAY 4
Sometimes it almost feels like I was there. Almost. And the uncanny part of this is: some people looking in from the outside actually were under the impression that I was there. I suppose that is the paradox of digital documentation: in some manner, it begs a re-definition of the concept of presence. I won’t go into telling about the back-end of that long story of weaving and piecing together. I will just say that it was at once thrilling and gutting.
Thursday 12th March, 2020
10.12am EDT
Suddenly I am rebooked onto a flight home-bound, due to leave that very Thursday evening. I experience mixed feelings, I almost feel ripped away from my reshaped mission and my place of belonging in that moment, but it is time to jump on this plane and get myself home. I have just enough time to gather my belongings, bid my green room farewell, check myself out, and, as I wait for my Uber driver to come collect me and take me to Logan airport, connect to the internet to hand over some tech tasks to my other reunion planning teammate P.A. who is also remote-coordinating. She has been a real pillar for the whole project, but has also ended up staying stuck, a thousand miles away from Boston, because of a VISA problem. In fact there is a whole other tale to be told about all the Bootcampers and speakers who in the end did not make it to the reunion, whose plans were cruelly thwarted: journeys that ended either on the doorstep of one’s own home, somewhere in between home and their destination (as travel itineraries got more and more disrupted with the cancellations and re-routing of flights), or, like me, on the very last threshold at the edge of the reunion, in Boston.
3.04pm EDT
Logan airport is like a ghost town. This is like my departure day from Rome, but in reverse. There is something eerie yet almost exciting about seeing places quite empty of people. There is a sense of ease and simplicity that we may have lost as a society, and that leads one to stop and ponder about things.
I have plenty of time before boarding, so I can already start to indulge in reminiscing: I enjoy savouring a special sort of sense of achievement. I feel so proud of our team! Together, we have made a quantum leap over the past three days: in terms of resilience, creativity and collaboration.
4.35pm EDT
My departure gate is predictably empty.
5.28pm EDT
I board an(other) empty plane: a second “luxury” flight.
With lots of space. I reflect on the concept of space as a luxury. I can run to a window seat to watch the cityscape shrink, I can run to the other side and watch as the plane curves and the wing slices into the layer of cloud.
The plane rises above the afternoon sky of Boston, Massachusetts, and the clouds are now a bed of cotton wool beneath us.
7.23 pm EDT — From onboard flight AZ615A
I dial into the airline internet to catch up on some messages.
“Hello I.S.! Yes thank you I am well and had the most unusual experience, “being-and-not-being” at the Alumni Reunion! Everything played out completely differently from planned, but the learning was momentous, extraordinary, wonderful. It was hard, but rewarding. Everything that happened hung by a thread. I think our community is amazing. I am now on the plane, flying home Boston-Rome, another miracle! I feel so blessed and grateful. Thank you so much for asking. I will connect with you soon and tell you more in person. Sending love and hugs!”
Flight attendant insists that I accept a double dinner, with both the pasta and the chicken dishes, and two bread buns.
I reflect on the concept of food and abundance, as a privilege. Like all else these days, it is double-edged and forces one to think about distribution, in more general terms: what is it that we ultimately, really need, and have we created the world we want — not just for ourselves, but also for others? To what extent does my comfort require someone else’s sacrifice? How much can I give up, and what is truly necessary?
Friday 13th March, 2020
1.25 am CET
Reply from I.S.
“Have an easy flight! Life is amazingly interesting when our expectations fail… only strong ones can see it. Hugs and lots of love ❤️”
Life is amazingly interesting when our expectations fail… only strong ones can see it.
How true. Letting go, in order to be able to receive.
5.30 am CET
I woke up from lovely comfortable plane sleep, from a weird dream: I was on the plane about to land, it had dipped and lurched several times with all the passengers (except me) going “ooooh” and “aaaaah”. As we were about to touch ground, I noticed that:
- my plane seat was in fact a non-anchored chair;
- I had no seatbelt at all;
- we were headed straight towards an airport building, full-on.
As our aircraft impacted the building, time and physical sensation totally slowed down and I traversed a space of complete and unquestionable safety. As though all atoms had been unlinked from one another so that we could pass through them unscathed. We passed through all material, without sound and without impact: as does a plane sailing down through a layer of cloud.
All I know is that by the end of that unmeasurable time, we were all ok.
As I sang my voice became Sia’s: powerful and sharp and crystalline. I roared: “I’m alive!”
I think it was a metaphor about my Boston adventure.
6.25 am CET
Rome greets me with its dawn sky. Time to rise and shine!
6.36am CET
We are scanned for temperature at the terminal entrance, and the luggage reclaim area is as empty as I have ever seen it.
I am home safe. Or am I?
It has been almost exactly a month since my departure for Boston, on the 7th of March 2020. The world has since then been all but turned upside down by the COVID-19 pandemic. We are having to revisit all our assumptions, as individuals, families, communities, nations and as a species.
My family started their self isolation on the 10th of March. I guess I technically set them back by three days with my return from abroad on the 13th. It has been OK, individually and as a family unit, we seem to not have contracted anything. Of course I have asked myself many questions, and still wonder today whether I did actually make the right choice at every turn. Who may I possibly still have endangered with my choices and my behaviour? I am not totally sure, the possibilities are endless. But we can only do our very best, with what we know, at any given time.
So I think I will be able to look at myself in the mirror, and be comfortable with the choice I made of having “been there, without being there.” Considering the direction in which things are unfolding, with the necessary global shift towards increased remote-connecting, perhaps my peculiar personal experience was just a foretaste of what is yet to come: perhaps we will all increasingly be called to “be there, without being there.”
More than ever before, we are confronted with important choices — both small and large — in the face of the coronavirus situation. And more than ever we are made to see the consequences of the choices we make: there is a crossroads at every step, and our interconnectedness is made visible to the extreme, often to the point of tragedy. We must be careful and choose well, yet also be forgiving and trustful of others, in the hope and faith that we are each doing our very best.
“We will either be transformed by what we did or damaged by how we failed to live up to our potential for goodness.” — Ben Okri, Nigerian writer and poet
