Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Other Toxic People: How to Recognize Them
Many of you know from personal experience how horrible it is to receive manipulation and abuse in exchange for true love
I have experienced all this myself, and I don’t want this to happen to others. I want to warn you and help you recognize those who play with human souls and destinies, or psychopaths and narcissists, to be more precise. There are quite a few people with these personality disorders: according to the results of various studies, psychopaths make up about 4% of the population and narcissists about 15%. There are more men among psychopaths and narcissists, partly it depends on how boys are brought up: girls are taught to develop empathy, while in guys adults encourage competitiveness and insensitivity towards themselves and others. Many psychologists are sure that there are actually many more narcissists, they just have not been identified. Therefore, the chances of encountering such predators at work and in personal relationships are very high. Also, the researchers are unanimous in the opinion that the number of narcissists is growing among young people, with society and its culture as major influencing factors.
Modern psychology categorizes narcissists into grandiose (or overt), covert (or vulnerable, fragile), and malignant (or psychopathic. These are psychopaths with narcissistic traits). However, many psychologists assert that practically every grandiose narcissist is also a psychopath. “These disorders are in a spectrum. In that spectrum they are blended,” explains clinical neuropsychologist Rhonda Freeman.
Even with rich life experience, you won’t always be able to immediately recognize someone with a personality disorder. Only grandiose narcissists can be easily recognized — they are self-confident egoists. On the other hand, covert narcissists usually come across as pleasant, kind, humble, and sympathetic. They often do charity work. And they can fool even professional psychotherapists for months (I recently saw a YouTube video about how a covert narcissist infiltrated the family of a professional psychologist as a nanny and then began to slowly devalue the mother in the eyes of her children).
The danger of psychopaths is that they are prone to psychological and physical sadism. While covert narcissists act like a slow poison, undermining people’s self-esteem and trust in the voice of their intuition, destroying the identities of those who find themselves in their inner circle. At the same time, overt narcs may use covert tactics if it will help them get what they want. To avoid becoming confused, remember a simple rule: narcissist always = manipulator.
Many people who have been in relationships with psychopaths and narcissists develop CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), just like those who have been in captivity or enslaved!
“Narcissistic abuse differs from all other types of abuse in its range, sophistication, duration, versatility, and express and premeditated intention to negate and vitiate the victim’s personal autonomy, agency, self-efficacy, and well-being. The victims of narcissistic abuse appear to present a clinical picture substantially different to victims of other types of abuse: they are more depressed and anxious, disoriented, aggressive (defiant reactance), dissociative, and hopeless because of learned helplessness. In short: they are in the throes of trauma bonding (Stockholm syndrome). Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms,” explains Sam Vaknin, an expert in the field of narcissism and psychopathy.
Victims of abuse feel confusion, severe self-doubt, and physical exhaustion. Due to the sophisticated nature of narcissistic abuse, victims suffer from forgetfulness and brain fog (more about this here: “Bad Boys & Girls: How They Hook You and Keep You Hooked. All About Trauma Bonding”). Victims of abuse typically experience feelings of guilt, shame, vulnerability, and loneliness. They are afraid to talk about what they are going through because the victims fear rejection — they worry that no one will understand them. Moreover, abusers thoroughly brainwash their victims into thinking they are inadequate, stupid, worthless, ugly and essentially horrible.
Why do narcissists and psychopaths behave this way? It’s important for them to control their partners and devalue them by asserting their own superiority. The thing narcissists and psychopaths most desire is to feel that they have power over others (since they are ruled by the most ancient “reptilian” brain and most primitive emotions. For them, pleasure = dominance.) They use any sort of manipulation they can to achieve this, including the most dangerous and vile — gaslighting. This means denial of facts to convince the victim of their inadequacy (“it just seemed that way to you, I didn’t say that, you misunderstood”, etc.). It’s changing reality to a version that better suits the abuser. This is already a form of psychological violence, as gaslighting breaks the boundaries of the personality and drives you crazy. You, as a decent person, cannot believe that someone is capable of behaving this way, let alone intentionally, and you begin to doubt yourself. As a result, after processing for some time, you begin to distrust the things you saw and heard, instead believing the version told by the manipulator. In addition, psychopaths and malignant psychopathic narcissists get a thrill in seeing the confusion and suffering of a victim who is unable to understand what is going on. Psychopaths and narcissists can manipulate both consciously and unconsciously: for them, playing with other people’s souls is like breathing for you. So do not hope to outwit them — it’s like a lamb trying to fight a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
How Can You Recognize Toxic Personalities Quickly? Before It’s Too Late?
(if I refer to victims of toxic people as ‘she’, it must be remembered that this also applies to male victims of psychopaths and narcissists.)
1–3. Tell your new acquaintance about some minor (or even fictitious) traumatic episode from your past. A toxic personality will begin to shame you and blame you for what happened!
Say that you saw an old lady fall off her bicycle, and all her purchases were scattered: it is very likely that a toxic “human” will laugh instead of expressing sympathy.
Both narcissists and psychopaths share a lack of empathy as sympathy and compassion. At the same time, they have a well-developed cognitive empathy: from childhood, they learn to distinguish the emotional states of others by their facial expressions and postures, and how to react appropriately in each situation. It is through cognitive empathy that narcissists and psychopaths may seem very empathetic and compassionate people at the beginning of the relationship. They are brilliant actors, but inside they are dying of boredom, unable to feel any of the emotions they express. They tend to speak in common phrases.
They don’t care for their loved ones and instead of consoling and supporting, narcissists often ignore or mock. Or order you to “pull yourself together” if you are upset. They may abuse even sick family members — how disgusting they look, etc. Covert narcissists also whine that they have it much worse, but no one cares about them! And worst of all — and a common occurrence in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths — they take the side of your offenders. And instead of comforting and protecting you, they begin to shame, mock, and blame.
4–6. The difference between narcissists and psychopaths is that narcs cannot live without narcissistic supply, literally like drug addicts without a dose. The vital food for them is attention — ideally this is admiration and adoration, but in general any others’ reactions. Psychopathic narcissists like to evoke fear and awe. Covert narcissists are prone to complaining about being picked on by their spouses, relatives, bosses and colleagues (while they often don’t want to change anything, don’t look for a new job, don’t try to work on their relationships. The compassion that they get from others is a fantastic source of energy for them.)
Narcissists try to bind to themselves those who give the narc a sense of their own importance. To do this, they may be generous for show, do charity work (also definitely for show), so that everyone around admires them.
Many narcissists love to praise themselves. Even for simply doing the dishes sometimes, or buying take-home food: they’ll say, “Lucky you for having a husband like me! Guys like me who really care are rare.” If this happens regularly, you will forget that in fact, it is not unusual for a boyfriend or a husband to pick up groceries and help out at home. Quite a few men love to cook. But partners who undergo regular brainwashing begin to think that they truly are incredibly lucky.
Narcs also love to fish for compliments — for example, talking by downplaying obvious strengths. So, if they’ve been buffing up, they may say “I’ve gotten so fat” or “I hate the way I look today.” And from a narcissist, whose main supply is obtained through others praising his talents and skills, you might hear something like “I could have done that better.”
The funniest and yet the most difficult things will happen in bed: the narcissist will convince you that he has a special “package” (even if it’s smaller than the standard size) and you must constantly assure him of how great he is both because of his “attributes” and his technique because he’ll expect this from you. The narc will also claim that all of his exes told him he was the best lover they’d ever had (this is a type of triangulation — a very toxic manipulative tactic, which will be discussed a little later.) If you dare to suggest otherwise, the narcissist will not believe it and will get very angry! And if you are left unsatisfied, it will be entirely your fault.
Some narcissists like to pretend to be “eternal victims.” They will tell you that they had a terrible childhood — and this, by the way, is true. Albeit exaggerated. It also turns out that all the former partners treated them just awfully. But if you look closer, it’s still unclear who mistreated whom! For example, one well-known YouTube narcissist once stated: “All my girlfriends betrayed me.” Although, as a smart and self-aware person, in his other videos and articles, he admits that in the first six months of the relationship, all his girlfriends (and there had been several dozen) had tried their best to take care of him. They dumped him in response to his neglect and abuse.
When asking about their past, keep in mind that narcissists and psychopaths often possess above average intelligence, and in addition, they know that women’s magazines advise against communication with people who speak badly of their exes or have traumatic childhoods. Therefore, when asked about former girlfriends, you also may hear “we both made mistakes,” and they may tell you a beautiful fairy tale about their childhood. I only realized later that when mentioning his “wonderful” parents, “my” narcissist Roberto didn’t say a single word that characterized their humanity, for example, “caring, attentive, kind” — his mom was “cheerful and lively” and dad “could fix anything and didn’t sit idle even for a second.” If it is impossible to say even one word that characterized them as good parents, what was the real situation? In general, people don’t become narcissists because they had a happy childhood! A narcissist is a personality broken between the ages of 2–7 due to unbearable pressure and neglect from those closest to him.
7–9. Pay attention: if your new acquaintance is rude to waiters or berates cashiers, the same treatment soon awaits you. Narcissists consider themselves unique, exceptional and look at all other people as resources to use. Their friendliness is always false: inside, they are constantly competing with other people, devaluing them (narcs love to gossip. You’ll probably be amazed at how sweetly they tweet with people even while making fun of them behind their backs. Including their friends. Know: the same thing happens behind your back! Even if the narc swears that you are special.)
Psychopaths treat people the same way, just as predators view their prey. Psychopaths are often rude to those from whom they derive no benefit (for example, they might jump the line with no thought of how shocking it is to everyone else.)
In covert narcissists, this may not be immediately apparent. But they still slip up — for example, by treating poorly service workers like waitstaff, by boasting about meeting famous and influential people. They try to befriend them and dream of becoming the same. In general, narcissists and psychopaths form relationships based on what somebody can do for them. Narcissists also like to have a “retinue” of “gray mice” — they allow the narc to shine against their background.
10–11. Selfishness, unwillingness to help, making empty promises and future-faking — these are all characteristic of both narcissists and psychopaths.
True, at the resource-attracting stage, they can successfully pretend to be kind and responsive. At first, abusers like to play the savior, telling you that they will take care of you! But look not at their beautiful words, look at their actions. Try to ask them to help you out. In the early stages of the relationship, a toxic man may help, but he will be clearly irritated, and will also begin to praise himself, telling everyone how great he is. But, as time goes on, the toxic personality will likely have urgent matters to attend to precisely when you need help.
Generally, even if a narcissist does something insignificant for his loved ones, it always comes with a waterfall of reproaches about how much energy he spends on them and how little they appreciate it. In really difficult situations (serious illness, death of a loved one, and so on) narcissists prefer to withdraw. At best, they simply vanish, more often dousing the person who is already very unwell with an icy shower (“This is the second day in a row you’ve been crying, it’s just disgusting, pull yourself together! I’m the one really suffering! But you don’t give a damn about me, you’re so selfish!” etc.)
12. For all their love of gossip, whining, and boasting, narcissists, like psychopaths, are very secretive. If you ask them about something, most often you will receive the answer “Why are you asking?” and “What do you think?” (after which the narcissist will agree with you — at the stage of “love bombing.” Only this is not love at all, but a way of grooming a promising resource.)
13. You cannot find logic in the words and actions of your new friend. And don’t look for it — it’s not there and won’t be! A toxic person can contradict themselves even within the same conversation (this is called “word salad.” With it toxic personalities overload those around them, and as a result, other people fall into a hypnotic trance and become easily suggestible.)
14–19. It’s a red flag if a recent acquaintance begins to accelerate the pace of the relationship, asking overly intimate questions from the beginning. He’ll say that he wants to move in together/get married within a week after the first meeting (not uncommon — already on the first date!) Another red flag — everything seems too good. You’ve finally met a kindred spirit! Who likes the same things you do. They have the same interests, the same values! Psychopaths and narcissists are amazingly and completely attuned to others (literally mirroring them), that’s why it seems like you’ve finally found your other half! But it is precisely this feeling that should make you wary, because perfect soulmates don’t exist, and a normal person won’t put on a masterful performance in order to lure you in. He may, of course, try to make you like him, but he’ll still remain himself, whereas psychopaths and narcissists play the role of whoever you need them to be. There’s a reason they ask you so many questions! You are flattered by their interest, but it is self-serving: they are collecting information on how to tame you. Many victims admit that narcs and psychopaths use their experience and charisma to pick up on your fantasies (even those that you yourself were unaware of) — and give you the embodiment of your wildest and most unrealizable dreams. That is, it will come — if you agree to a relationship with the narcissist. What a wonderful future they paint for you! Unfortunately, pretty soon the victim discovers that it was all a hoax, and that she was deceiving herself as well, but only too late.
Quite a few narcissists and borderlines (people with borderline personality disorder) seem overly romantic at the beginning of a relationship: they read poetry and bombard you with affectionate text messages from morning to night, as if they have nothing else to do. Such a difference from ordinary men! This is exactly what should alert you. There are fewer grandiose narcissists who strive to conquer with expensive gifts than stingy ordinary narcissists. The latter opt for romance for free (walks in nature, bouquets of wildflowers, candlelight dinners, etc. But all this is presented as if half the world is being given to you.) Even if you are a romantic yourself, you feel like it’s all too much. Your intuition does not let you down! Because it’s all a game to win you over as a valuable resource. And what starts out as excessive romanticism turns into an addiction to drama later. That is, very soon.
An abundance of compliments has a dual purpose: first, to make you melt (that’s how appreciated you are! When will this happen again?) And secondly, so that you strive to live up to all this! The manipulator will tell you that he has never met such a responsive, understanding, caring woman. And that only you can heal the inner wounds inflicted by his exes, all of whom are insidious and soulless bitches!
If you analyze all this, you will realize that there is nothing about your personality in the narcissist’s compliments. He doesn’t know you — and he doesn’t want to know! He tames you, at the same time shaping you into a servant that suits his needs.
In addition, they love to use the words “I felt like we’re kindred spirits / you are my soulmate / it’s as if I have known you forever / we are meant for each other.”
If you haven’t read my book Over the Rainbow, based on my relationship with narcissist Roberto and others, I highly recommend you do. It’s better to learn from someone else’s bitter experience than to put your own heart on the chopping block. Moreover, narcissists often hurt people so badly that they then give up on relationships altogether! The following is the essence of this book in a few words so that you can understand the examples and explanations given here: Roberto found me on an international marriage agency website and invited me to visit London. He described himself as a single father, heroically raising his 9-year-old son Josh after his wife Donna ran away from him. At first everything was fine, but with narcissists this never lasts long. Especially since Donna started turning Josh against her competitor (me). In addition, Roberto became interested in Megan, the girlfriend of his lodger Mike. I wanted to stay in London for the bigger salaries (in my homeland, I had lived in a criminal suburb and dreamed of breaking free. I needed money to buy a better housing). Therefore, I agreed to the first job that turned up: being a nanny to the daughter of a prostitute Zhanna. Then I found a job as a housekeeper for rich Americans. Jane, the owner of the house, was very nice, but her husband Peter, on the contrary, turned out to be a psychopathic narcissist. And when I refused to sleep with him, he began to take revenge on me in every possible way, setting everyone around against me. Including his son Billy. The guy defended me at first, but in the end, his dad brainwashed him. And once, drunk Billy beat me up. Roberto was going to take me back and propose to me, but at the last moment he changed his mind and got cold feet, sent a letter full of mocking jabs and blocked my email address. I was in shock and didn’t understand what had happened! After all, just yesterday he had been so gentle with me and said that he would call tomorrow.
I’m meticulous, and for the sake of truth and details, I forced myself to communicate with Roberto again. I felt safe enough: through emails, he could not hypnotize me again and make me dance to his tune. As it turned out, Roberto wrote such things not only to me, but simultaneously to other women from the dating site. All while assuring each that he was writing “only to you.”
Several other narcissists subsequently tried to pull the same wool over my eyes. At first, one of them didn’t seem like a narc and I agreed to come to visit him for Christmas (also in England). But in the end, a couple of days before the holiday, Jeff suddenly fell off the radar entirely, and didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas! I had no explanation of what was going on. I was worried — was it a heart attack? A car crash? Although I already knew that he had simply dumped me. Well, at least I hadn’t bought the tickets yet! Then Jeff suddenly showed up already in January with complaints about how he was tired of looking for suitable gifts for all his relatives for both holidays (he also promised me a lot of things, it was his own initiative — but in the end, he didn’t even send a “Happy New Year”). Jeff also wrote that he suddenly fell in love with a shopgirl: “Apparently, my heart is too big.” At the same time, as it turned out, Jeff had never cut off communications with his constant girlfriend, who had saved him from depression at one time (which only goes to show the narcissist’s complete lack of gratitude).
Narcissists and psychopaths use “love bombing” to overwhelm and quickly bind a seemingly suitable resource to themselves. Because they are unable to pretend for long: the mask of “a wonderful person and kindred spirit” begins to crack and fall apart. However, narcissists can play the right role for up to a year, while for psychopaths, it’s only a couple of months.
20. One of the best tests for toxicity is trying to say “no” to your new acquaintance. Refuse to do something they want but you don’t (like going somewhere.) A normal person will respect your refusal. A toxic personality will begin to put pressure on you, get angry, or they’ll be offended! Even if it is because you don’t want to go to a concert featuring a group you don’t like. From their point of view, you should share with them all their hobbies and interests! (But they will soon begin to devalue yours.)
21–23. “Cold showers” and devaluation after a wonderful “honeymoon.” Narcissists have a black and white mindset with no understanding of shade or nuance. Therefore, they idealize a new partner at first, sincerely admiring them (however, this is not love, but a mix of sexual infatuation and the desire to acquire such qualities that the narc observes or assumes). But very soon, as soon as the narcissist’s new supply gently criticizes him for something or just gets tired and doesn’t look her best, the attitude towards her changes from plus to minus and the devaluation begins. What partners of narcissists perceive as a “cold shower” (although sometimes the “cold shower” can begin before devaluing if the narc just ran out of steam for portraying what he is not).
We all unwittingly idealize our chosen ones when we’re falling in love. And in normal people, mutual disappointment also occurs after the honeymoon stage — but at the same time, partners continue to remember each other’s virtues, which helps them overcome this inevitable difficult period. As a result, their love only grows stronger.
But narcissists have total devaluation: while earlier, they only saw your advantages, now they only see your shortcomings! As my ex Ananasov once told me, “You burst like a soap bubble!” Of course, I couldn’t change instantly — all this was only happening in his sick imagination.
During the devaluation stage you suddenly start doing everything wrong! The poor partner is sincerely perplexed: what happened? You begin to blame yourself, and the abuser actively supports this idea. The narcissist’s victim will now go out of her way to please him in the hope of bringing back the “honeymoon” period of the relationship. But this will never happen again, although the narcissist will start to lure you with this possibility in order to make his partner more comfortable for his own sake. He periodically encourages the victim with fake warmth and affection, but always unpredictably (in scientific experiments with animals, this is called “intermittent reinforcement”) so that the “living battery” doesn’t know what exactly caused the warming of the abuser’s attitude and always works hard to please him in every possible way. However, all your efforts and you yourself will never be good enough for the narcissist after starting the devaluating process. In addition, the victim never knows if the abuser will explode, and if so, in response to what, since the narcissistic ego is fragile and its triggers are constantly changing. Also, the narcissist will try not to show you the real reason for his irritation, instead blaming you for improperly prepared food/a poorly cleaned house/being too clingy/being too cold, etc. The victim as a whole will be constantly told how flawed she is, and how lucky she is to still be tolerated. You will be to blame for everything and always, even for the abuser’s own bad mood and obvious sins (“It was you who made me do it!”).
The devaluation with borderline personality disorder is also strong, but it replaces idealization for short periods of time. Sometimes with BPD, the idealization and devaluation cycle back and forth several times a day! But in the case of narcissistic personality disorder, once the devaluation starts, it doesn’t stop. True, in around 20% of the cases (according to data collected by Sam Vaknin) the behavior of narcs is similar to the behavior of borderlines: when an internal war is being waged between overt and covert narcissists. The grandiose narc tries to charm people and attract resources while at the same time destroying his own personality as a cruel and malicious inner critic. The repressed part, the vulnerable narcissist, strikes back and begins to sabotage the grandiose attempts to get close to other people, devaluing them in own eyes (because, from his point of view, no one will ever love him anyway, so it’s better to push others away before they hurt him). As a result, the surrounding people become pawns on a chessboard in the internal battle of this “binary narc!” Madness? Sam Vaknin, highly functioning self-aware psychopathic narcissist, believes that only schizophrenia is worse than narcissistic personality disorder. That’s how serious it is!
Narcissistic idealization and devaluation can be better understood through the example with dishes: when Roberto was in the infatuation stage with Megan, he sincerely began to believe that the Canadian washed all the “mountains” for everyone, and suddenly completely forgot (literally a day later!) that I always did them. In a relationship with a narcissist it will often feel like you have fallen into some kind of looking glass, where everything works according to strange laws. Or rather, there are no rules at all and you feel as if you are going insane — and you really are being driven crazy. Both unconsciously and on purpose, to take malevolent pleasure at the sight of your confusion.
The narcissist will constantly devalue your feelings and achievements, plans and dreams. If the victim gets tired of all this and decides to leave, the narc can transform into an angel again for a while, but this is not repentance or revival of former love, as he will assure you. This is the fear of being left without narcissistic supply and the thrill of hunting the “battery” down again. The narcissist can even imagine himself that the love has returned, as he gets carried away by the chase and feels much more alive — and he likes this feeling a lot. Sometimes, once the valuable supply has left, narcissists may even experience a second idealization (though not as complete as the first). But once she returns, the devaluation resumes. Everyone who has returned to a narcissistic partner after promises that the abusive behavior would never be repeated, knows from bitter personal experience that the nit-picking and accusations will soon begin again, and with even greater malice and force. The narcissist will take revenge for the fact that you dared to leave him and that he “wasted” so much energy on the hassle of returning. Those who went back several times say that they simply could never relax, because even if everything was fine in the first days, the victims already knew that it would end soon and were constantly waiting for the partner to explode.
With psychopathy, devaluation occurs always and with everyone, as psychopaths don’t idealize. They just play the right role for a while in order to obtain the desired object (who may be attractive sexually or from a financial/housing standpoint, etc). Psychopaths view others as toys, and once they’re no longer needed, they’re tossed aside. Then, or even in parallel, the psychopath will get himself a new living “gadget”. Although if the runaway supply was of value to him (a well-established life, raising children), he can pretend to be attentive and loving (for a while).
24. Triangulation. Narcissists pit people against each other. So that others fight for their persona. This makes them feel very needed and important. Playing off the former and the current partners, his girlfriend and child, his mother and wife. The “third wheel” may also be someone virtual (“my previous girlfriend never did this/never refused to do this”, etc.). It is very common for narcissists, including married ones, to have a “harem” of several girlfriends, constantly attracting new promising supplies.
25–26. Being easily offended is another serious reason to be wary of a new acquaintance! Any narcissist is very sensitive to criticism, even the most benevolent and mild. Moreover, he can be mortally offended, and even hate a person just because this man dared to notice some weakness in him. He’s aware (and ashamed) of the weakness himself, but God help anyone who lets the narcissist know that they also noticed these completely natural human qualities within him! “I was ready to love you in any of your states, whether you’re sad, angry, poor, blowing your nose, farting, impotent, terminally ill.” A normal person, upon hearing these words, would smile, touched by this manifestation of genuine, mature love. The narcissist, however, will be furious, because no one must know that he might fart or be disappointing in the bedroom!
The best way to get rid of a narc is to criticize them. But remember that narcissists are vindictive and vengeful. In addition, there is a great risk of running into narcissistic rage: a terrible release of burning hatred and insults. It differs from the anger of an ordinary person in that the narcissist will try to literally destroy you with words. Often while openly enjoying seeing how badly he hurt you. Be careful: he may also try to hurt you physically.
27. Narcissistic envy is not the same as envy for a normal person. It is like a toxic poison, much stronger and meaner: they want to take away all the benefits and to destroy the object of envy. Once tipsy Roberto admitted that in his youth he fiercely hated the British for drinking tea in their homes — while he, “much better, smarter and more talented than them,” didn’t have a house.
If a narcissist’s partner succeeds in something, they will be praised during the idealization stage and devalued later. And the narc will try to sabotage your success (by preventing you from going to receive your award, persuading you to refuse a new position, etc.) so that you do not achieve anything else.
If you share something joyful, narcissists out of envy seek to ruin your mood. For example, with a story that their vacation was much more exciting / or a remark that their friend visited the same place where you rested — and, according to him, this is a mire for primitive losers. And their other acquaintance has achieved much more than you, despite the fact that he is much younger.
28–36. Normal people don’t like conflicts and try to avoid them. With narcissists and psychopaths it’s the other way around! You may notice that when everything is quiet and calm, this person suddenly begins to find fault with you or someone else for absolutely no reason. The favorite dish of narcissists is admiration. Because of this, they’re able to arrange pleasant surprises. But narcissists are omnivorous, and often prefer something “spicier.” Which is why they provoke others, and especially family members, to the point of tears, anger, screaming — of course, all this will then be attributed to your “inability to behave,” “bad temper” and “inadequacy.” While you may actually be an incredibly patient, well-mannered, and kind person, the narcissist won’t stop until you’re driven to these emotions so that the narc can feed on your energy and feel their power over you.
Someone else is always to blame for their problems. Narcissists and psychopaths are also characterized by a reluctance to take responsibility and don’t feel guilty about their unfulfilled promises, their actions and inaction. They do what they want and then shift the blame onto others. Very often, onto the victim!
Behavior during conflicts shows what a human is about very well. When a conflict arises, normal people want to resolve it as soon as possible. At the same time, it is important for them to find a constructive solution that suits both parties. A normal human will definitely want to listen to their partner, maybe after they “blow off some steam.” Sure, they may raise their voices, and accusations may ensue — but they will never hit your sorest spots; they will never devalue you, destroying you with words, calling you a fool, hysterical, inadequate, crazy, etc. They won’t tell you that you’ll never be able to find anyone else because of your character, or your appearance, etc.
The narcissist will put on quite the show, pretending to be an innocent victim, greatly exaggerating your “sins” and their impact on him. He will remember all your “terrible” qualities, everything that you ever did wrong (from his point of view), even what you have already apologized for more than once!
But the toxic person won’t stop there! He will start telling his relatives, friends, neighbors, his and your colleagues how “terribly” you treat him. Abusers of all genders are just amazing at pretending to be victims! And this additional theater will feed them with the energy from all their many sympathizers (turning them into abuser’s supporters — “flying monkeys”.)
DARVO (an acronym for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”) is a common manipulation tactic that toxic personalities show in response to being held accountable for their behavior: at first, the abuser denies the abuse ever took place (gaslighting), after that attacking the person that was abused (“It was your fault”). This involves not just “playing the victim” but also blaming and shaming the real sufferer. Here is what psychologist Jennifer Freyd (the discoverer of DARVO) says: “I’ve observed that abusers threaten and bully anyone who tries to hold them accountable. The attack often takes the form of ridiculing the person who asks them to change their abusive behavior. The offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender.” Toxic people are usually so convincing that even the victims begin to believe that they were “inadequate” and “provoked” all the abuse. They’ll insist that you forgot to remind them to do something. Or that they never promised such a thing and you imagined it. Or they can deliberately provoke you to have an outburst, and then walk away with a mask of offended virtue.
Unlike normal people, narcissists and psychopaths are not interested in quickly reconciling, in finding compromises that suit both sides (although, if it benefits them, they can feign remorse and apologize.) Moreover, narcissists and psychopaths literally feed on the energy of conflicts! Toxic persons thrive when they see that they’ve hurt you, that they have power over you.
And even if you both have achieved a reconciliation, very often after you dare to express some complaints, the toxic person begins to take revenge on you. This is often passive-aggressive in nature, but it can be overt.
37. All people are prone to projection (attributing their own thoughts, feelings and character traits to others. Especially if they don’t accept these positive or negative qualities in themselves) and narcissists are no exception. They attribute their own negativity and shortcomings that they do not want to recognize in themselves to others. For example, a narcissist may bark “You are so aggressive!” if he is angry himself. Roberto constantly found fault with me and didn’t have one good word to say about the British, but still accused me of criticizing and disrespecting others! Or when he asked: “Why do you always think the world is unfair to you? And that you are always right?” But I never thought so! If thoughts and feelings that clearly are not your own are being attributed to you, this means that the other person is projecting onto you. At the end of my stay with Roberto, a thought flashed through my head a couple of times that he might be unconsciously taking revenge on Donna with me — but only on her. I wouldn’t have come up with the idea of a “form of revenge against all women,” as Roberto wrote in his farewell letter. Did this adult man really choose me to play the scapegoat who would represent all the humiliation he experienced from the opposite sex? Roberto never confessed in the end (but he didn’t deny it either). I’ve read about similar stories, but about young guys. They lured girls into their nets, faking their love. When the victim fell in love with the predator, he mocked her and then dumped the poor thing. In general, what a cruel madness to behave like this (they have to build a whole strategy, and then not lose interest), and very infantile, immature! Although narcissists forever remain angry preschoolers inside. And since Roberto is a psychopathic narc, he didn’t even need a real reason for revenge: such narcissists are especially vengeful. And for them revenge, mocking and a sense of dominance = pleasure.
Сovert narcissists can be wonderful, kind, and helpful people to nearly everyone — but they will definitely choose one or a few family members, or people in their immediate environment to regularly hang their negative projections on, find fault in, blame and gaslight. You will not envy these “scapegoats,” because even if he or she begins to say that does not understand what is happening, why such a good person is so unfair to them, others refuse to believe these complaints! The poor victim ends up at risk of serious illnesses, including heart diseases and cancer.
38–40. If your partner is “always right,” this is a very serious reason to be wary. Control is very important to both psychopaths and narcissists. To make their supplies as convenient as possible and to prevent the victims from running away. At the initial stage of a relationship, this manifests as obsessive “care”: you are obliged to account for your every step. The toxic person wants to know what you were doing, where, when, and with whom — but not because they are worried about your safety! They worry that a valuable supply may be “stolen”.
That is why they constantly impose feelings of guilt, shame, duty, fear and inferiority, manipulate and gaslight, assuring you that “this never happened,” “you are overreacting”, ignoring and devaluing you and your emotions and undermining your trust in your own intuition and feelings. When you constantly hear these things from a loved one, sooner or later, any person will develop a lack of confidence and feeling of inadequacy. As a result, the victim begins to believe the tormentor more and more and herself less and less. Moreover, narcissists and psychopaths cannot stand seeing a different point of view: they want to remain “right” at any cost.
Over time, narcissists can literally erase their partner’s personality. As happened with Mary, Roberto’s first girlfriend. And with my mother — in her youth she was a beauty, a popular, energetic leader. Subjugating such people is a particular kind of pleasure: narcissists usually choose bright and lively girls for the role of their victims. I also saw photos of Donna: a laughing psychopath at 16 (her mouth smiles joyfully, but her eyes are coldly calculating), a proud queen at 23, when Roberto called her to him again, and she then thought that she had won. But relationships are more important for women, so a male narcissist will always outplay a female narc. Just a year later, the Donna in the photos looked like a hunched, confused, ugly woman who did not even dare to look at her partner. Who until recently, she had looked down upon.
Narcissistic behavioral strategies are designed to use, deplete, and get rid of an exhausted source. It all starts with confusion and maladaptation of the victim, followed by psychosomatic and somatic illnesses, CPTSD (more on this dangerous condition later) and depression. It is no coincidence that Sam Vaknin compares the behavior of narcissists to psychological cannibalism.
THE CONTINUATION: https://medium.com/to-live-a-happier-life/how-to-recognize-a-toxic-personality-red-flags-79957080f947
There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!
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