An Open Letter to Future Applicants
It has been quite an interesting time since I’ve posted the job listing in search of a Chief Operations Officer. I’ve gotten so many applications and CVs in response, and I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stupidity that lies within those responses.
I encourage every single one of you to apply, but it seems as though most of you have no idea how to apply for a job. Enclosed in this weblog entry are some tips and tricks for what not to do, generously inspired by the people who have hastily sent me some perfect examples.
Not including relevant experience
One of the first CVs I received was from an experienced aeronautical engineer. I could tell it was a CV because it was pages and pages explaining his work, in detail, as a consultant, commentator, and academic. While it is an impressive set of credentials, I do not know how useful this experience would be for the position I am looking to fill. I just do not know enough about the construction of jets. I did not even know until this man’s accomplished CV that there was such a prominent jets industry right here in New York, (or, to be more accurate, I suppose it would be New Jersey?)
I wish I could have hired this man, but it seems that his skills are just not transferable to this position.
Linking to inappropriate or irrelevant social media
While one young man sent in a resume which was wholly unremarkable save for six years of work experience at a video rental chain which has not existed in New York for nearly six years, he did commit one other erroneous act.
This man, who shall remain anonymous due to privacy concerns, linked to what I can only assume is a fictional web site where he and others post their creative writing for critique and consumption. I am not interested in this type of work. Nowhere in the job description did I mention I was interested in this type of work. I distinctly remember asking for more information on a unicycle-riding frog, not an oddly dancing skeleton.
What we can learn from this applicant is that social media, when inappropriate or irrelevant to the job description, can actually harm your chances of getting a job. This web site encourages very dangerous behavior, including lighting fires in your home and creating chemical weapons. While I learned nothing about frogs, I learned that I would not hire anybody who frequented this web site.
Inappropriate content in cover letter
One of the more curious applications I received included no resume or CV, on the grounds that releasing that information could compromise the location and identity of the “operative” reaching out to me. I only received a cover letter from this individual, who assured me that his abilities as a “hacker of LUX sh*t” were unrivaled. I have censored the word, but I trust you can discern what word he used.
Additionally, disparaging the tools and languages used in my office is a surefire way to make sure you are not called in for an interview. While I am sure there is “more than one way to torch a sewer gator,” as you so eloquently put it, your choice words for Pontiscript were so vulgar I refuse to reprint them in this weblog post.
When I was a younger man, I found the job hunting process rather exhausting. I can assure you that, here on the other side of the table, the job-hunter-hunting process is just as exhausting. I am sure there will be many, many foolish faux pas and boorish blunders in the days to come. But please take the time out of your day to read weblog posts like this to make sure you are not repeating the mistakes of others.
