Isolation

Experiencing “onliness” because of tokenisation

At a recent Ladies, Wine & Design panel, designer Kalilah Wright spoke of her time as the only woman of color at an architecture company in Baltimore. It was 2015: protests and riots broke out after Freddie Gray’s arrest. Wright remembers feeling like the whole office was talking about it — except not to, or with her.

She felt isolated, she felt like an “only,” and she felt talked about without being able to engage in the conversation too. The experience served as an impetus for Wright to start Mess in a Bottle — a way to get your message across.

Isolation is a common, well-known barrier for many women in leadership. A study conducted by McKinsey calls it “onliness” — the feeling of being “an only” in the room. Both men and women experience onliness, but while women describe their experience as isolating, men say they feel included in the same situations.

Isolated women feel like they do not belong.

My high school graduating class was 66% women. Yet, I was 1 of 3 women among the ~20 student Physics class and the only woman in the Computer Science class. Years later at an investment banking interview day, I was the only woman and person of color. I have noticed & acknowledged these moments of isolation only recently — and realized that they can be difficult to identify. Here are a few notes to get started:

Feeling unacknowledged
“Nobody made eye contact with me in the meeting. It was a room full of guys and they just kept looking at each other, not even acknowledging me, it’s a little thing, but it adds up.”
— From a participant of Project Femlead**

Feeling that it’s just paranoia
“When the senior PM reached out to me and said ‘I’ve seen this, you have an ally in me,’ [referring to how I, the only woman on the team, was being left out of meetings & walked over], I realized it’s not all in my head.”
— A woman in tech, participant of Project Femlead**

Feeling watched
“When asked how it feels to be the only one in the room, women surveyed for the report most frequently said they feel under pressure to perform, left out, and on guard.”
— Source: Slate

Receiving special treatment
“We just hired our first black female. And everyone was way cautious around her. [Don’t make her feel like we need to giver her special treatment to succeed here].”
— HR of a tech firm

When I dug deeper into isolation among women in the workplace, I was unsurprised to find that most content put the onus on women to make themselves feel less isolated: by taking initiative to build support groups, find a mentor, and combat bias [on their own?!].

Organizations can make change too: recognize that one [woman] is not enough, build a critical mass of women, and promote women internally. These may feel overwhelming, how might we break them down? Here are some ideas:

What you can do: First, identify who (including yourself) might be feeling isolated [use our tips above to help you] and reach out. Make it a two-way ask to provide support for one another.

What your team can do: Push your leadership to hire at least X% of women in the next round. Use the opportunity of coming to a consensus for your X% by opening up dialogue with your team.

What your organization can do: Especially for male-dominated companies, hiring a woman might mean a longer process and looking beyond your “friend-of-a-friend” and go-to/trusted networks. Understand time and search realities from the outset and be willing to stick with it.

Ladies, Wine & Design began after some girl-on-girl hate was handled extremely well. It was the first panel I had ever been to where the panelists threw out their email addresses and offers to help the audience numerous times. I loved the vibes and the atmosphere. Thank you, LWD!

This post is an excerpt from Unconforming: a newsletter about Design for Women. Unconforming goes out every two weeks and also shares learnings from experts, job and other opportunities, examples and articles — all to make an impact in the women’s space. Sign up here to get it in your inbox!