Grade 9 to Grade 10
Grade 9 and Grade 10 were the years that I experienced highs and lows. As much as people say how manageable Grade 9 and Grade 10 is, I did not have the same experience. I continued to struggle with developing relationships with other people and I always focused on myself because moving from elementary school to high school, new material is taught much faster. So I had to work extremely hard to be able to keep up with the material and maintain decent grades. Even though grades did not matter in Grade 9 or Grade 10, I wanted to do well in Grade 9 and 10 because it can give me the confidence to do better in Grade 11 and 12. It wasn’t until Grade 10 that two things spoke to me.
Grade 10: Big Incident Part IV
Remember the time that I stated how I struggled to participate in my badminton club? Well, it just didn’t get any better in my high school years. There are times where I did not know what the drill was or how to do the drill. Due to these failures, it got to the point, where I stayed 2 hours after training to double skip. If you don’t know what double skipping is, it is flicking the skipping rope two times while jumping one time. So things got even worse than back when I first started. However, one thing that really challenged me was the fact that my coach stated:
“If you don’t play any badminton tournaments by the end of 2015, I will kick you out of the team.”
When I heard this, I was very surprised, scared and speechless. Even though my coaches kept telling me to play tournaments during the past 4 years that I was training, I didn’t really pay much attention to it because of two reasons. First, I had other extracurricular activities to do, like Chinese school and Church; so it was not convenient for me to play tournaments. Second, I didn’t think that I was good enough as all the coaches and some athletes were critiquing my form in a negative manner. As a result, when I heard this message, I literally had no idea but to pray to God and this is what I said:
“God, why is my coach so persistent in making me want to play tournaments? Normally, other coaches from other clubs don’t care if you play tournaments or not. So why is this happening to me? Why did you call me to train at Suria? Like I don’t understand it because I keep getting bullied and I never get socially accepted by anybody. So what do you want me to do???”
Grade 10: Miracle I
As I continue to question this notion, I decided to play my first tournament in November 2015 because God had to be using my coach as a way to challenge me. There has to be a reason as to why he would say such a thing and even if I don’t know the reason, I have to trust God as he is above everything. As a result, I played my first B tournament at Granite Club. Honestly, I don’t know many people and so I just decided to focus on the game and I’ll see what happens. It turns out that for singles, I went from the round of 32 to the finals and everybody was shocked. Even though I lost in the finals in 3 sets, nobody knew who I was and I was an unseeded player with no experience playing tournaments. So I felt that this is a miracle as people normally get eliminated in their first round when playing their first tournament. However, I think that God was trying to convey that no matter what you do in life, you can be successful if you try your best and let God do the rest. Due to this incident, I started gaining the respect and acceptance from the coaches and other athletes, which is something that I felt grateful for. As a result, I decided to continue training because I know that God is using training as a way to challenge my faith and to build my character.
Grade 10: Miracle II
I went to Teens Conference (TC) again in Grade 9, 10 and 11. Every year you go, there is always a different experience. I was just listening to a sermon at TC in Grade 10 and I heard a verse that blew my mind:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life — John 3:16 (NIV)
I found this verse to be very significant in my life because if God didn’t give everybody a second chance, I would not be here today. In fact, with all of these challenges that I faced, I knew that I needed God’s support and strength to overcome it. It was because of hearing this verse that I decided to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. However, it never stops there because I knew that I would face more mental and spiritual challenges to come. So I decided to keep exploring my life and to strive in growing my spiritual faith.
Grade 11
Striving to grow in my spiritual faith is easier said than done. School never gets any easier and in fact, Grade 11 is the biggest “jump” when it comes to academics. More contents, assignments and tests were thrown at me and there was barely any time for me to spend some time with God. Not only did I have to work even harder to maintain my grades, I was also concerned about how am I going to time-manage between school and badminton? However, I didn’t give up because God never gave up on us, so I decided to keep trying and see where God takes me. Throughout my journey, I realized another “Godly” moment.
Grade 11: Miracle III
In my second semester of Grade 11, I took physics, the hardest course that I have ever taken. There was always a lot of information thrown at me and if I was absent, I would miss a lot of important content that is on the test and other summative assessments. I always lose marks because I rounded to the wrong significant digits and I didn’t define my variables clearly. Due to these careless mistakes, it was one of my lowest marks in high school for 5 months until an assignment called “The Car Project” did something that I never expected.
“The Car Project” is a physics project that involves building an electrical motor and integrating it with a car so that it can move several meters. It may sound very interesting but it is one of the most challenging projects that I have ever done. At first, my group could not get the motor working because the copper wires is not soldered properly and the copper wires is not coiled in the right direction. As a result, my group kept trying to make a successful motor. Eventually, my group made 7 motors and only 2 worked. You may think that that is the end of the story but just because the motor worked, it does not mean that the car will work. When my group attached a working motor onto the car, the car did not move at all because there was not enough torque. With these problems lingering, I couldn’t train and I couldn’t focus on my other courses that are important especially the physics exam and I couldn’t focus on God. I remember several times that my group would work on this project from 3:00 PM until 1:00 AM because we were already late in submitting this project. At that moment, I didn’t know what to do and so I prayed that God will be with us during this tough moment and that he will give us the proper health and wisdom to complete this mind-bothering project. Eventually, my group tested the car and it only moved like 1.5 meters, which is better than nothing but of course, it is undesirable.
On the exam review day, it was the day that my physics teacher decided to release our final physics marks and honestly, I was very anxious because I don’t know how I did. When the teacher called my name, I immediately went to him and when I saw both “The Car Project” mark and the final exam mark, my mind was blown. Not to be arrogant or boastful, my overall marks for “The Car Project” and final exam were 87% and 92% and that’s not the only thing that shocked me. Initially before these assignments occurred, my mark was at a 79% but because of these marks that God blessed me with, I ended off with a 85%. As shown from this, I knew that God must be real because we didn’t really deserve the mark. The car literally couldn’t move and the project was overdue by the time we finished. This kind of reminds me of how Jesus died on the cross for all our sins even though we never deserved it. Even though I don’t know how the marks were calculated, I am just thankful that this happened right before REMIX, a youth mission group aiming to spread the gospel in Toronto Downtown. If the physics story ended off in a negative note, I would not be able to open up my heart, mind and soul to see the brokenness in Toronto. So from that day on, I knew that God must be real and that there is no turning back after all of these miracles that actually happened.
Grade 12
Grade 12 is the year where it wasn’t just academics that stressed me out. Applying to different universities gave me a lot of doubts as I didn’t know what would I be when I grow up and this is something that has been stirring my mind for years and years. Likewise, I didn’t know if I could actually get accepted to any University as you may have read from earlier that I have a learning disability that makes me learn slower compared to the average person. So I didn’t know if that can make a negative impact on my application to any University. Although my grades were decent in the first semester, which is something I am proud of through God’s will, there was another big incident that occurred few weeks before I got baptized.
Grade 12: Big Incident Part V
Grade 11 physics is already a problem but Grade 12 physics is another story. For those people that questioned why I took Grade 12 physics, there has been several Universities for Kinesiology that state that Grade 12 physics is recommended. Although it is not a prerequisite, it is better to take it than to struggle in University. So I decided to take Grade 12 physics even though I know that it is the hardest course in high school.
The main reason why I didn’t go to Teens Conference in Grade 12 is I struggled even more in Grade 12 physics than Grade 11 physics. Going into Grade 12 physics, I did not have a single clue as to what is going on. My teacher short cuts all of his steps and so I don’t understand how he got this final derived equation and how the rotational coordinate system worked. Even though I asked the teacher some physics questions, he does not answer it in a thorough and insightful approach but rather, a “self-teaching” approach. Consequently, I performed worse and worse in Grade 12 physics and when I mean by worse and worse, I don’t mean from a 90 to a mid 80. I was getting a mid 70 and it dropped all the way to a high 60, which is considerably horrible especially in Grade 12. Not only was this a problem, my parents were also pressuring me to take Grade 12 physics because they know that I will struggle first year in physics if I don’t take physics. At this moment, I didn’t know what to do because there are so many problems happening at the same time. I don’t know what job I will get in the future, which University will accept me, whether my physics mark makes an impact on my average and even whether I will struggle in first year. Because of these problem, I questioned whether I had a purpose in living on Earth. The whole notion of getting good grades, which can lead into getting a good job, came back to haunt me. As a result, I literally took a paring knife and attempted to kill myself because I couldn’t take it anymore.
Of course, my parents saw this and stopped me from doing this but when they stated it, I still had the urge to do it because they never studied in Canada and they lived in different generations, so they can’t understand on what I have been going through. However, the only thing that truly stopped me from committing suicide was when one of my dearest friends told me that she was struggling in her academic studies and working long hours at A & W. I felt so guilty because there is someone that was going through worse struggles than me and yet she kept going. Why did I trusted my parents about the notion of getting good grades leading into a good job when I should be trusting God?
Grade 12: Miracle IV
Several weeks later, I decided to drop Grade 12 physics because it was negatively impacting my mental health and my physical health. There are a lot of times where I slept later than usual and my mind was all over the place. It was a hard decision to make as I never actually dropped any of my courses in high school, but I did it to maintain a balance between school life, social life and spiritual life. I found out that after I dropped Grade 12 physics, things were looking much more positive. I got baptized at my home church, Logos Baptist Church (Milliken). It was not because I wanted to impress other my parents or my friends. It is because I needed to physically declare that I need God in order to survive with these spiritual, mental and physical battles. So I am grateful that I am able to see my friends and family come out to witness a happy day. Likewise, I got accepted towards University of Waterloo for Kinesiology (co-op program), which surprised me because I never thought I could get accepted to a well-known University. For the first time, I got qualified to participate in OFSAA Badminton for Singles, which is not easy because there are a lot of good badminton players especially in Markham. In fact, I was so shocked that I got the 2017–2018 MVP award for badminton because I never expected it and I think that there has to be a reason behind it. No matter if you experience ups and downs, God is always watching you. While I was doing devotions, I found a verse that really reflected my Grade 12 life:
“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.” — Jeremiah 17:10 (NIV)
As shown from this verse, God is fair to everybody and has a plan for us. No matter if we cannot see that happening to us, we need to realize that God is watching over us and ultimately, he is the one to judge us at the end of the day. So if feel that you are unworthy in succeeding, don’t be because God has a plan that will greatly benefit you in the end. Even though you won’t realize it in the beginning, you will realize it as time elapses. So I highly encourage anybody who is having difficult moments in their lives not to turn away from God but rather pray that God will give you the wisdom to lead into the right path.
Transitioning to First Year
Being a first year can either be fun or overwhelming. For me, both of these feelings applied to me. During the beginning of the school year, I was feeling alright as nothing bad actually happened. It wasn’t until having 2 midterms in 1 day that my mental being and my spiritual being progressively declined. I didn’t do too great on one of my courses, I was feeling homesick, not making a lot of friends and not being myself. Everyone would typically sleep in on the weekends until 11 AM while I would be up at 7–8 AM. Due to this difference, I got very annoyed and decided to bang on people’s door without thinking that they are asleep. Eventually, it got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and so I mentally broke down and cried in my room. I don’t remember how long I cried for but I remember my roommate telling me that I need to go back to my hometown and reflect upon my university life. So from October until December, I just kept working hard even with all these negative thoughts in my head and somehow, God gave me the wisdom to pass all my courses.
During the Christmas break, a lot of people went to Urbana but I didn’t go because I had to reflect upon these following questions:
- Why didn’t I enjoy my time at University?
- What do I need to work on in order to balance between school life and Christianity?
- What is my ultimate objective in University?
Through meditation and time to think about these questions, I decided to start over my University life by joining CCF & Frosh Cell. Although I attended Frosh Cell in the Fall term, I didn’t have an open heart and mind for God. Likewise, I didn’t feel the joy in my heart because I was constantly too distracted with negative thoughts in my head. As a result, I hope that with brothers and sisters in Christ, I am able to be accountable of my own actions and be more open to speak about my life and my spiritual walk with God. Due to my capabilities in taking one step at a time, I find this term getting progressively better than the last term as I get used to the campus, the professors and the syllabus. However, that does not mean that it stops there. I know that there is always room for improvement and because God works through each and every one of our lives, we are able to encourage each other to make our path straight and glorify God’s kingdom. Thank you once again for reading my testimony :)))
-Ryan Chan
