Finding My Community
In the bi+ community, I’ve found where I belong.
Early this summer, eight months or so after coming out as a middle-aged bisexual man, I was still, for the most part, only exploring my bisexuality within the safety of my home. Even with a bi wife, many bi podcast episodes, bi books and an outstanding bi internet community, I felt like I was missing out on something as a bisexual. Not missing out on anything physical, as I am in a fulfilling monogamous marriage, but moreso missing out on being a part of the LGBTQ+ community “in person” (more than automatically being part of the community solely because I exist as a bisexual person). I desired the presence of other LGBTQ+ people and specifically other bisexuals. I was (am) out only to a small group of those closest to me and I felt a need to find and make connections with others I could relate to.
I wanted to expand my queer experience beyond these bisexual podcasts, books, Reddit boards, Instagram feeds and cartoons of queer chameleons and blobs. I wanted to be out in person and the only place I felt safe to do that, at this point, was far away from my hometown and only in a space made for bisexuals.
I was looking for some kind of bisexual-centered group as I had read and heard on podcasts about biphobia and I was not ready to defend myself against anything like that due to anxiety and self-esteem issues. Searching for bisexual specific gatherings while being totally new to being out was like trying to find a secret passage that I didn’t even know was there. Add to that that I am not interested in the bar scene and this task was even more difficult. But I was on a mission to find somewhere where I belonged.
I found a group on social-media which was promoting an event on a day I was available. This event was at a non-bar and in a location which was close enough to travel but far enough from home that there was no chance of running into anyone I knew. This made me feel safe and I was excited to take this next step out into the world as a bisexual.
The night and hours before the event I was freaking out that I would not be welcomed. I worried I was not valid as a bisexual because I have never had “sex” with another man. I worried that I would say something wrong, be too hetero-acting, look wrong, or just be wrong. It took a lot of support from my wife to get me to leave home and even as I walked up to the building it took a conscious effort to pull my body towards the door rather than continue walking down the street. Walking in that door was a big step in my middle-aged suburban dad bisexual life.
Other than some understandable anxiety, everything about the event was amazing. There were multiple times where I felt completely like I belonged. I felt like I was with people who I didn’t have to explain myself to and who I didn’t have to worry about judging me harshly. It was very comfortable.
There was one moment of shock when I was hit on by a guy. This threw me off guard both because I was not expecting it, at all, and because I was actually not turned on or excited by this new thing. A wave of bi panic set in of me questioning if I really was bisexual. If I am then why don’t I like being hit on? He recognized that I wasn’t interested and moved on while I continued with my bi panic for a bit until the group’s discussion again pulled me into the feeling of deep belonging.
I left this event tripling the number of people who knew me as a bisexual and I was not scared but exhilarated by it.
My summer schedule was packed this year and meeting up with this bisexual group again in person was not fitting in my calendar. But I still felt the desire to be a part of the community and hoped to experience that sense of belonging, again. So I opened my search for broader LGBTQ+ groups in a place where I still felt safe. I found several queer groups that had a few events that worked with my schedule and my interests. I attended a handful of events with each.
They all had their ups and downs. The ups were good, but not as great. The downs were all due to my worrying that I did not fit in because I was not surrounded by other bisexual people. At some, I did stick out like a sore thumb while others there was just a general level of anxiety about not belonging. I was dreading the eventuality of being at one of these events and having biphobia openly directed at me. While I am grateful to say I did not experience that, I would also say that these groups did not generate as deep a feeling of belonging as I felt at the first event being among only other bi+ people.
While I have been getting more and more comfortable (less anxiety) during the LGBTQ+ (non-bi-specific) events, I find myself gravitating to other bisexuals in these groups (when they make themselves visible). It is really impactful when as a bisexual I see another bisexual that I don’t know. That little bit of community feeling I have grows that much bigger and I feel less and less alone.
I haven’t been able to make it to another in-person event with that original bisexual group, but I have joined a few of their virtual events. Meeting up with them, even if only virtually, now has a feeling like catching up with a group of friends. I’ve only met a few of these people in person and I’ve only chatted with the rest of them online for what amounts to less than a day but the level of belonging I feel with this group is like nothing I have ever felt outside of hanging out with my very best friends (the ones who know I am bisexual). It’s not only being able to relate to what other people are saying and going through but the immense feeling of validation when several others completely relate to something I share with the group that just takes it to another level, for me.
I know the way I feel in larger LGBTQ+ groups has to do almost entirely with my own insecurities, vulnerabilities, anxieties, and low self-esteem. I’m working on all that in therapy. I’m slowly starting to feel like I do have a place in the greater LGBTQ+ community and I’m grateful for the inclusive spaces and groups which welcome and affirm bisexuals.
Still, as a bisexual there is a level of connection that just doesn’t happen with monosexuals. For me, there really is no comparable feeling of being seen, understood, accepted, and validated than to be among fellow bisexuals. In the bi+ community, I’ve found where I belong.
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