I Registered on My Wife’s “Bi-Fi” the First Time We Had Sex
She just allowed me to come to terms with it in my own time.
In the very beginning of our relationship, my (now) wife told me about the experiences she had with women. While I was frequently curious about her past encounters, I never pushed it. I didn’t want to ask questions because I was worried that the conversation would get turned back on me. I was not yet ready to answer those questions and I didn’t think I ever would be.
A few years later an actress showed up on screen and my wife told me that she “used to have a thing for her.” I was super confused by this. Why was she telling me? What does she mean? Again, I was reluctant to ask her because what if she asked me questions, too? It took me more than a decade to bring it up to her and even then I was very careful with how I approached the topic.
Through the years, she’d occasionally make comments in passing about her attractions to other women, but I was rather oblivious about what it meant. Even though my wife thought she had made it quite clear to me that she was bisexual, I still didn’t understand. It wasn’t until I began to understand my own bisexuality that I actually understood hers.
Last year, my wife and I had elevated our intimacy and communication with each other. We were having a series of deeply honest conversations. These discussions gave me an immeasurable amount of comfort with her which led me to new level honesty not only with her but, more importantly, with myself.
After decades of internalized homophobia and shame I opened up and I finally told her of my past experiences with peer guys (and that they were positive experiences that I enjoyed). I began to recognize my confusing feelings towards some guys in my past as romantic crushes. I admitted to recurring fantasies which I had shamed myself for having, especially during sex with her. But she understood that it didn’t mean that I wasn’t enjoying our sex life, I was just fantasizing about being with men, too.
After months of late night talks exploring the good, the bad, the abusive, and the confusing, I had bared all. I began to accept the truth of it but I was still so scared to say it out loud. When I finally spoke it, it came out as more of a question, “So, I am bisexual?”
Even with her constant reassurance that she loved me no matter what, I was still filled with shame. I had my head buried in her chest (and definitely not in a sexy way but in much more of a snot-nose, break-down, ugly-crying kind of way).
But the more we talked the more I recognized not only how supportive and accepting she was but how she didn’t seem surprised by my revelation that I am bisexual. It turns out I registered on my wife’s “bi-fi” the first time we had sex those many years ago, and in different ways throughout the years since then. She just allowed me to come to terms with it in my own time.
At 40 years old and after more than 15 years of marriage, I finally recognized and accepted that I am bisexual.
Coming out to my wife was a series of huge waves of overwhelming emotions. When I’d first tell her of something I’d repressed or never before shared, I was scared she would reject me. I’d feel like my chest was open, heart taken out and placed at her feet. I’d worry, “This could be it. This might be what ends our relationship, our life together.” But then she’d squeeze me tighter and tell me it’s ok and she loves all of me.
Even now months later, I still feel that chest open vulnerability, to a much lesser degree, when I bring up some things. But telling her all of my buried truths was like a weight evaporating off of my insides. I was on cloud nine with personal joy like I had never experienced before in my life.
Before this, I didn’t understand that bisexual was something that I could be. I shamed myself for having certain thoughts and desires. I told myself that it didn’t matter because I was with my wife and I definitely really liked being with her in every way. But it did matter. It was important for me to not only admit it but embrace it. After I did embrace it I realized I had been holding a big part of myself back.
I am now in a better place mentally and happier with myself than ever before. It is still occasionally a little scary because it’s still new, but being able to be completely myself for the first time in my life is liberating.
And, my marriage is stronger, too. Our relationship works best with dead honest communication and I now know that by holding a part of myself back, our relationship was also being held back. I can’t imagine having a happier marriage (or sex life) than we now have as bi partners who can relate to one another and be completely candid with each other as we (monogamously) explore and celebrate our bisexuality.
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