I’m Newly Out But Not Newly Bisexual
I’ve always been this way, I just repressed it.
At 40 years old, I fully realized and embraced that I am a bisexual man. My wife and I have been monogamous for almost 20 years and this new realization was not going to change that. Even though I did not feel like I needed to be out loud, it was still important to me to be out to those closest to me.
All of the reactions to my coming out as bisexual among the small group I told were positive, loving, and supportive. However, one small comment from a close friend stuck with me because it didn’t feel 100% accurate for me.
Basically, the text exchange went like this:
Me: So hey just to let you know I have realized I am bisexual.
Hitting SEND, I was nervous about being rejected (vocally or silently) or that they would tell me they don’t agree with it or question if I was actually just gay. Logically, I should have known this was not going to be a big deal to this friend but still I was unbelievably nervous.
Close Friend: Well that’s awesome. Sexuality is a very fluid concept so it’s cool.
An immediate wave of relief came over me. Not only were we still good, but they had given me so much immediate support.
After my initial positive-reaction high wore off, I kept thinking about the comment, “sexuality is a fluid concept,” specifically relating to my coming out and how it did not sit exactly right. Not because I don’t believe in fluid sexuality, but because I felt misunderstood.
I do have communication issues due to my long ago diagnosed ADHD. I felt misunderstood by the comment but, I now know, I actually processed their original reply incorrectly.
Still, this internal misunderstanding caused me to look inward in a way that I may not have without it. I asked myself to put some puzzle pieces together to figure out why this did not feel right. I dove deeper into Bi+ media which, at the time, was mainly Two Bi Guys podcasts (which I listened to each episode of the first 3 seasons at least twice), the audiobook of Greedy by Jen Winston (which I have listened to three times now), and memes (I am especially fond of the memes featuring the various pride flag colored spherical characters).
Three months of educating myself, therapy, and self realization helped me finally recognize what was bothering me about that text. This wasn’t a case of fluid sexuality where I was straight and have just now puddled over to bisexual. I have always been this way. I had just tucked it away in a hidden corner of my life, never talked about, and it had been deeply repressed.
Understanding the reason for my reaction only satisfied a part of my hang up. In my head, repeatedly, I had a conversation with my friend, explaining that I felt misunderstood about always being bi. But I was worried. I didn’t want to be an annoyance or feel like I brought up my bisexuality more than needed (as in more than that one time I came out 5 months ago).
It took several more weeks before I finally decided that I not only had to clarify but bring all my thoughts about this to my friend. I wrote a long text to tell them how I had taken their comment, that I just wanted to let them know that I have always been this way but had repressed it for various reasons.
After I hit SEND, same as the first time, I was nervous. Nervous of being misunderstood, nervous of being understood but them not being accepting of my clarification, nervous of, well, any scenario my mind could spiral down…for all of 15 seconds…until they replied with a positive, affirming GIF followed by, “I’ll call you in a few.” The phone conversation ended up being even more comforting than the original text and this time I had no confusion about being understood.
It is surprising how even the most supportive and well meaning ally can say something that you get stuck on and feel misunderstood or invalidated. I am extremely fortunate to have unconditional support from those closest to me, especially those who are willing to take extra time to listen or give a call during their busy day to let me know that they are there for me no matter what.
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