My Quest to Look “Obviously Queer”
Discovering and embracing my own expression of queerness.
I was chatting with who I consider my first queer friend about how I wanted to look “obviously queer.” They challenged me (as friends should) on what that means for me, encouraging me to look beyond the stereotypes. I was already wearing my 10yr+ old pair of Dr. Martens work boots but recently I started cuffing my jeans after seeing this was part of bi culture and while I enjoyed this look, I wanted to accept my friend’s challenge to explore beyond the stereotypical representations.
Note: I have found that I identify with the term “queer” as it comes to my outward and emotional expression. I have never fit in with my male peers even if I was wearing exactly what they were and I like having the label for that.
I thought about what my friend said for a while and I agreed that I didn’t want to only be copying the memes of what bi people wear. Conforming to these stereotypes feels like stepping out of one box only to try to fit myself into another. Nor did I want to wear the corporate Pride month clothing, though that would have made me more “obviously queer.” Maybe in (large) part because I still wanted to feel safe as this was all still very new and wearing something as obvious as the corporate Pride clothing did not feel safe to me.
The topic of questioning the box you are in comes up in episodes 2 & 3 of the BiNow podcast. At first, I thought I was comfortable within my fully masculine box but the more I thought about it I recognized that I wasn’t actually comfortable so much as I just didn’t know of a way to step out that felt safe.
The box I was in for most of my life was not just masculinity but hyper-masculinity as I over-compensated trying to mask my true self and fit in with my peers. I was so constrained in this box that even adding a very masculine accessory felt like too much, at first.
My first step outside of this box was a wide leather masculine cuff. This leather cuff was 100% inspired by the one worn by Brendan Fraser in the biconic movie The Mummy. This is a well known movie with a masculine character yet here I was so boxed up in hyper-masculinity masking that this cuff was the biggest first step out that I felt comfortable making.
Writing this now, I shake my head with a mix of sadness and anger at how completely deformed a person can become because of the fear of not fitting in the expected boxes.
At first, wearing the cuff made me very self-conscious. But, in a matter of a few short weeks I went from feeling like I stuck out and halfway hiding it to holding my arm up randomly in the daily work meeting as a way to show it off. I quickly got to the point of purchasing complementary smaller leather bracelets for my other wrist. While these were still masculine they were much less so than the cuff. I found that I enjoyed them being smaller and in particular I liked the thinnest one.
As the weather warmed up, wearing leather cuffs & bracelets was not a comfortable option. I still wanted to wear something but didn’t know what and felt too embarrassed to search for bracelets in stores. My wife dug through her old, seldom-used accessories and offered to me everything she had. There were several different styles and colors but one piece immediately stood out: a small beaded flower on a rope-type bracelet. It was perfect for the warm weather of Summer and the flower felt like it filled an empty spot. This flower bracelet reminded me of the delicate flower on my lunch break that I allowed myself to not only enjoy but display for a few short days. I wanted to wear it so much but this was also hitting a new barrier for what I felt I was comfortable with. She offered the suggestion to tie it on my ankle as it would be a little less noticeable, especially at work. After it was tied on, I felt this butterfly feeling like I got something I always wanted or had missed for a long time.
Later in the Summer, I had a poolside moment with this flower anklet. I was wearing it without socks or shoes which made it stick out more (which I recognized as another step out in a direction that I liked for myself). Sitting poolside I allowed my legs to cross, something I would have never done before. Looking at the flower and my legs I felt…cute? I was floored by this feeling and did the only thing I could think of: take a picture of the moment. Still, months later, this picture makes me smile knowing that this was me being me in public and it was freeing.
I continue to make tiny but frequent steps that are expanding my comfort zone. With all of these steps I find myself gravitating towards the things I had been socially trained to not like as a boy/man. Now I know that the look I am going for is “cute.” I realized that this type of cute is what “looking obviously queer” means for me, it is how I feel most like I am being true to myself. From flowers to anklets and bracelets to, now, rings and shoes with flowers on them, I am embracing any cuteness I find myself gravitating towards when, in the past, I would have pushed back and avoided it at all costs. I spent the first 40 years of my life not allowing “cute” on my body, into my box. Now as I expand my box, or even remove the walls, cute as my expression for queerness feels right.
I wonder what it would be like if we each were left to just be who we are rather than being boxed in by gendered norms as well as general life expectations. I came across a recent post from @rethinkingmanhood as I was already drafting this piece and it really hit me. “As we continue deconstructing patriarchal masculinity give yourself permission to throw away the box that you (or society) has placed you in and imagine you living in a community where ‘everyone has the right to be free, to live fully, and to be well.’”
Reading this made me feel like I am doing something right and on a path to live fully and to be well.
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