Still Bisexual
My life experiences add nuances to my sexuality. And I remain bisexual.
My life experiences add nuances to my sexuality. And I remain bisexual. For example, if I’ve never dated a woman or find men triggering, those are the circumstances of my life that don’t change my sexual orientation (unless I say otherwise). And I am the only person who can define me. Other people’s attempts to label me is a form of bierasure and discrimination.
A few Mardi Gras celebrations back I had a puzzling and uncomfortable conversation with a couple of gay women who persisted to ask me a whole range of inappropriate questions trying to determine my sexuality. It seemed that me telling them wasn’t convincing enough.
I was flabbergasted by the avalanche of questions I didn’t have answers to. It was determined by the gays; therefore, that I was a lesbian.
Spoiler alert: I’m not gay. I identify as bisexual (I wrote a whole book about it), even when I avoid cis men like a plague.
You see, sexuality isn’t about whom you have sex with (or even date). Because by that logic, a lesbian is a very rare beast (most lesbians I know had sex and/or dated men).
We don’t question lesbians. We don’t tell them that since they used to be married or slept with a man once they are bi, right.
Of course, we don’t. Most of us understand diversity of experiences and fluidity of human sexuality. And we trust in people’s self identification.
Why is it so many bi+ people don’t receive the same treatment? There are many reasons, from numerous systems of oppression to personal traumas. I won’t go into that in this article.
I’m here today to remind you that dating or having sex doesn’t define your sexual orientation. Some of us don’t date and/or have sex at all.
Your sexuality is about how YOU FEEL.
For me, I don’t feel gay when I am with women and I don’t feel straight when with men. I’m always bisexual.
My more precise label is omnisexual, meaning that I have the potential to experience romantic, sexual and/or platonic attraction towards all sexes and gender expressions; however my preferences may change.
My living experiences add nuances.
And I remain bisexual.
That may differ for you. And that’s also valid.
You see, for the last couple of years I have been avoiding cis men, sexuality and romantically. Due to my past experiences with men, I often feel unsafe in their presence, which doesn’t facilitate romance. My mental health right now doesn’t allow enough space or patience for cis men.
And I’m still bisexual.
I spent most of my life dating men. I have had many sexual and platonic relationships with women and non binary people but I have not dated a cis woman yet (at the time of writing this article).
And I’m still bisexual.
Or, omnisexual, to be precise.
Some of us don’t date at all.
Dating doesn’t define sexuality.
It may differ for you.
The trick is to relax your desire to classify and categorise others and practice empathy, compassion, curiosity and (especially, self) love.
I am very passionate about finding ways to help reinforce and validate bi+ people and experiences. Sometimes sharing my own stories is really important to others. And it helps me to seek validation and make sense of my experiences.
I employ social media to help connect with like-minded people, educate myself and help others make sense of their own experiences.
When I posted the “And still bisexual” post on Bi & Prejudice Instagram I didn’t expect so many people to resonate with my words. It’s both beautiful and tragic to see so many comments of validation and gratitude.
I want to continue creating space for those conversations to help illuminate normalised oppression, validate our experiences and unite our forces against biphobia and bierasure. Sometimes we feel too small or alone, and many of subtle or more obvious aggressions weigh us down. Together, we can hold each other, taking off some of that weight.
We may not change the world over night. However, when I am surrounded by others like me, I feel powerful and I can push back. Little by little, as a group of bi+ people and allies, we chip away at the bigotry of the world.
More by Anna Kochetkova:
Visible Bi+ is a space for members of the Bi+/MSpec community to share their voices. We’re striving to increase authentic visibility and dispel the many misconceptions which fuel biphobia and bi-erasure. Join us and SHARE YOUR STORY!
