Today is the August Solstice Celebration here at the Mill. Thank you for the RSVP, though you need not have, but I’m happy to report that everyone on Medium accepted! It may be a disaster, but it will be a memorable disaster.
The Schedule
All times Western Atlantic Time (WAT)
11:oo Milk drinking contest [canteen]
11:30 Piñata of death (You can blame the inclusion on Alex Beckett, who highlighted “Piñata of Death” in the last post for it’s inclusion in the schedule. The Piñata of Death is a pig shaped piñata filled with glass, razor blades, animal offal, and explosives. You try to hit it with a defective cattle prod, and if you are lucky it catches on fire and all of it’s destructive power falls harmlessly to the ground) [canning factory]
12:oo NOON: Reading of the Solstice Proclamation penned by Neil deGrasse Tyson, or maybe someone who plays him on Medium. [editorial conference room]
12:30 Naked heptathlon (unisex) [playing fields]
1:30 Historic simultanous re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar and the First Battle of Bull Run (carriages available for rental) [harbor, sheep’s meadow]
2:45 Marionette Theater production of Last Tango in Paris [playhouse]
4:00 High Tea and Ambien [veranda]
4:10 Siesta [back seat of your car]
5:00 Break-out sessions. Choose one of the following.
- The Next Big Thing: How Spaghetti Code Will Fix the Inherant Awfulness of Human Beings and Save us From Sin
- Full-Stack Poker Tournaments
- My Ass and Big Data, What I Learned About My Digestion and Skin by Buying Back My Metrics From Google
- How to Market Artisan Saurkraut, Kimchee, and Fermented Cod Liver Oil to People Who Think Steamed Broccoli “Smells Bad”
6:00 Pig Races [playing fields]
6:30 Cocktails [swimming pool]
6:50 Last Song of the Singing Clams [It is rumored that they will perform Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young”. [Dining Hall]
6:55 Blessing and Thanksgiving by The Minotaur (he’s back!) [Dining Hall]
7:00 Dinner [the menu can be found here] [Dining Hall]
8:30 Polka, Pretzels, and Psillocybins [Biergarten]
9:30 Parade of the Maenads [on the boulevard, beneath the alee]
10:30 Argument over music [Dance Hall]
11:00 Opening of the beer waterfall [Biergarten]
11:22 Shutting off of the beer waterfall [Biergarten]
11:30 Underwear Beauty Pageant (talent portion) [Playhouse]
12:00 Ritual Slaughter of Last Year’s “King”, burning of the wicker pig, brawl, Frenzy of the Maenads [front lawn]
1:00 Apologies [front lawn]
1:30 Slim Jims and Decaf Coffee [canteen]
2:30 Talent Show [front lawn]
3:30 J-Pop Karaoke Contest [front lawn]
3:45 Apologies [front lawn]
4:00 Arrests [front lawn]
4:30 Ice Cream and Valium [front lawn]
5:00 Contacting Bail Bondsmen [mom’s bedroom]
6:00 Ritual Purge in the Machias River [da river]
