Holiday Survival Guide
Science-backed strategies for enduring and even enjoying the season
“I have one those families who speak at the start of dinner for what we have to be thankful. ‘I’m thankful Aunt Gladys is no longer with us.’ And it starts going downhill from there.”
— Medium member David Weldy commenting on Before Thanksgiving Turns Ugly by Kathleen Murphy
This week’s special edition of the Wise & Well newsletter considers family, friends, and the science behind the mental, emotional and physical challenges of the holidays. ’Tis the season to recognize the value (and limitations) of relationships and how much control you have over your own thoughts, emotions and actions. You’ll learn why our thoughts and emotions often short-circuit, and you’ll get science-backed, actionable advice to help you avoid unnecessary confrontation during gatherings and glide through it all as merrily as possible.
What are You Thankful For?
After my wife and I created a new family, we eventually began having our own Thanksgiving that involved grandparents and a changing cast of friends depending on where life took us all, but always in our home. We developed a ritual of going around the table so each person could, if they wished, articulate something they were thankful for. It was a wonderful tradition, sometimes tearfully so. But now the kids are all grown and scattered, some of the grandparents have passed on, and the ritual has been lost. I’m sad about that.
But I’m heartened by this first story, in which the writer offers some wonderful insight into the cold, hard fact that the holidays are bound to change: “With new traditions and ways to honor those who are not sitting at the table, we can make it seem like they are alongside us again while being fully present in the moment ourselves.”
Read: The Last Thanksgiving With My Dad by Dr. Julian Barkan
What are Friends For?
Way back when, friendships were often about keeping up appearances, being there for each other while maintaining a calm, unflappable manner — a proper distance. Now we want friends to see us at our worst, at our most disheveled, and to think us still worthy of their time, the author writes. It’s “a major shift in the friendship paradigm.” And what of those fair-weather friends, who swoop in with a veneer of concern when things are bad, only to retreat into the background of our lives. Is that so bad?
Read: The Changing Paradigms of Friendship By Niall Stewart
What Exactly is Stressing Us Out This Holiday Season?
War, inflation and other national and world affairs top the list of worries for the average American today, followed by fear of respiratory infections, a new survey reveals. While most of us don’t have much control over the financial system or global conflict, we can take concrete steps to bolster our immune systems and protect our mental health, putting concerns in proper context and lowering the risk of health-damaging stress, anxiety and infectious diseases. This article offers a strategy for dealing with it all amid the stress of the holidays.
Read: Here’s What Americans Worry About Most Right Now by Robert Roy Britt
And Why Do We Argue So Much, Anyway?
When we argue with family, friends or strangers on the internet, it’s often because we don’t realize how much we don’t know, and we’re lousy at considering the viewpoints of others or even recognizing where they’re coming from. This is a lack of intellectual humility, and we’re all afflicted by it — especially those who are most confident in their views, research has shown. In this article, I explain how acknowledging that we don’t know as much as we think we know can cultivate empathy — the ability to look at things from the perspective of others — which can then lead to wisdom. Wisdom can serve as a great catalyst for better relationships.
Read: The Overwhelming Lack of Intellectual Humility by Robert Roy Britt
So…How Can I Keep Peace in the Family?
It doesn’t take much wisdom to realize that every family has troubles. But you can facilitate family harmony by a) understanding how metacognition governs our emotions and why we sometimes struggle so mightily to have pleasant, meaningful conversation with those we love, and b) employing simple strategies and tactics — such as listening better, asking the right questions, and not being a “topper” — to lower the temperature and avoid unnecessary and hurtful confrontation.
Read: Before Thanksgiving Turns Ugly by Kathleen Murphy
Finally: The Holiday Survival Challenge
Holiday stress and anxiety tax us physically more than we realize. Fight-or-flight chemicals flood the brain and body, an invisible assault that fuels short tempers and exhaustion and ruins sleep. Atop that, we may eat and drink too much and spend excessive hours sitting on planes, trains, in cars and on couches. You know where this is going, and yes, it’s really important: We must take care of our bodies, to help settle our minds.
So, from the archives, I offer up my Holiday Survival Challenge:
Without giving up cookie parties, egg nog or whatever holiday cheer matters to you, I hereby challenge you to engage, starting today, in one highly specific new behavior that will improve your sleep, boost your energy level, clear your head so you can think straight, and put you in charge of your emotions instead of being victim to them. Then do it daily through the end of the year.
The article offers five science-backed behaviors proven to boost physical, mental and emotional well-being — getting out, moving more, slowing down, chilling out, and drinking less (sorry!) — along with some concrete how-to tips to help you lean into a happier, healthier existence. The challenge is to start right away rather than waiting for some vague, doomed New Year’s resolution. And I stress: You don’t have to do all five things. Just pick one.
Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays. And good luck!
— Rob
PS: Your regular weekly dose of wisdom and wellness will return next Friday, Dec. 1. If you like what you see, please follow Wise & Well and/or subscribe to this newsletter.
