DEAR PEOPLE WHO USE THE PHRASE “COMPLIMENT SANDWICH”

Hi. Do you even know what a sandwich is?

This is a sandwich. Typically consists of bread, meat, cheese, veggies and condiments. This particular monstrosity features an absurd amount of pig, and eating all of it will surely make your heart wonder if all the effort of keeping you alive is really worth it. But whatever. Carpe diem and YOLO and all that.

A compliment sandwich is a suggested way of giving someone feedback. The idea is to start with a bit of praise, then to give a bit of criticism, and to finish with a bit more praise. The visual representation winds up looking like a sandwich with bread and meat.

I am not here to debate the merits of this leadership technique. Gun to my head, the compliment sandwich seems artificial and too paint-by-numbers. I believe in simply giving authentic, constructive feedback when there’s a need for it. But take that with a grain of salt. I read Brandon Sanderson novels instead of leadership books, and my college degree focused on dead writers rather than the human brain.

What I am here to debate is the compliment sandwich name itself. I have a short quiz consisting of two questions. Please focus and take this quiz seriously. I spent literal minutes working on it.

Question 1

It looks like you have a couple sandwich ingredients in front of you. Let’s take a look at what we’ve got:

• Two slices of bread.
• Yes, the bread is whole grain. Uh…I think it’s Brownberry. No, I don’t know how many grams of whole grain per slice. Do you seriously want me to look?
• You are the worst.
• 22 grams per slice.
• By the way, do you find it odd that you care about this while simultaneously pounding 36 ounces of Diet Coke? No? Just me? Cool.
• No, I don’t want the twist tie. Please burn it. It’s so much easier to spin the bread bag and tuck the handle under the loaf.
• Nearly half the time, I start by unwinding the twist tie the correct way, then decide I’m going the wrong way. I then correct course and go the actual wrong way for far too long, before reversing again and going the right way until I finally free the bread. Man, I hate twist ties.
• Some turkey.
• Enough with the questions. I’m not doing this. It’s turkey. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

What kind of sandwich is this?

Correct! This is a turkey sandwich. Well done.

Question 2

Oh, look! A couple more sandwich ingredients are laid out. Looks like we have:

• Two slices of compliments
• Some criticism

What kind of sandwich is this?

Incorrect! This is not a compliment sandwich. What we have here is actually a criticism sandwich. You see, the two slices of compliments serve as the bread. The criticism is the meat of the sandwich. Thus, you have a delicious criticism sandwich in your hands.

Quiz Results

You got 1 out of 2 questions correct. Not great. I’m calling your parents.

In Conclusion

You have two choices: Either start calling every sandwich a bread sandwich, or stop calling it a compliment sandwich and start calling it a criticism sandwich. You can’t have it both ways.

Any questions?

Yes, I am aware Diet Coke has zero calories. This does not make it healthy.

Just drink water, you nincompoop.