Fantasy Flashback: 1996 Week 1
Sept. 1–2, 1996
Results from here:
- *HOUSEKEEPING NOTE* — In our perusal of Week One stats, we realized the database doesn’t accurately capture fumbles lost on a weekly, by-player basis. With this in mind, we’ve decided to apply the deductions from total lost fumbles as a tax at the end of the season, thus adding a whole other layer of intrigue and suspense. On to week 1 results!
Favre For Fighting — 164.38
Secret Slime Play Action — 104.80
FANTASY RECAP:
Buoyed by a humongous, surprisingly mistake-free outing from Brett Favre (274 passing yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, ), and a rollicking ground assault by Barry Sanders (163 rushing yards), Favre For Fighting secured pole position in this young Fantasy Flashback season, outpacing Secret Slime Play Action by a score of 164.38 to 104.80.
At least for one week, Brett Favre has evaded the “deluge of INTs” a-poxed upon him by Jesse; which, along with snapping and sending dick picks to unsuspecting PR staff, would later become his calling card. For reference purposes, here’s one I happened to select at random (INTs. Not dick pics).
In addition to a big day from The Ol’ Gunslinger, Favre for Fighting saw strong performances from their RB corps, buoyed by a walk-in-the-park 163 yard day from Barry Sanders, and a workmanlike 72 yards and a rushing TD from Terrell Davis.
Even with a lackluster effort from John Elway, it’s hard to find much to bemoan in Favre for Fighting’s week 1 output. Hell, even Irving Fryar got his ass in the endzone: the fantasy equivalent of finding a five dollar bill in an old pair of pants just before tossing them into the Goodwill Bag.
The Secret Slime Play Action pants, however (to continue this metaphor) yielded only lint and a partially unwrapped Werther’s Original.
Secret Slime Play Action fell victim to near accross-the-board disappointment, as many of its players under-performed Jesse’s poorly informed tweenaged expectations.
The letdown was most evident at the QB position, where both Dan Marino and Steve Young (each registering a 5.5 on the “Lame White QB Spectrum”) failed to eclipse 200 yards passing or toss a TD.
It’s not all doom and gloom. Secret Slime Play Action can take heart in number one draft pick Thurman Thomas’s week one performance (97 rush yards, 1 rush TD, 2 rec. 19 yards). Resident Homer Selection Cris Carter also delivered nicely, netting a symmetrical 8 receptions, 88 receiving yards and a receiving TD to boot.
VERY SERIOUS WEEKLY AWARDS:
In true Fantasy Recap fashion, we will profile players each week who made the biggest impact on their team’s fortune, good, bad, or indifferent. We will also include a fun fact or quote from each player, related to their performance*.
The “Iceberg Jeans” Ice Cold Week One All Stars:
- Brett Favre (26.88 Fantasy Points) — Early in the First Quarter, Favre was poised to throw one of his trademark awful INTs, when an errant throw sailed well over his receiver’s head and towards the waiting arms of a defender. Just then, an actual Green Bay Meat Packer stumbled onto the field and deflected the pass with his face, sending the ball harmlessly to the turf. When asked about the play, Favre responded “Aw gee, I never saw him”. It is unclear whether he was referring to the defender, the bygone representation of his team’s namesake, or his own receiver.
- Barry Sanders (19.60 Fantasy Points) — Sanders actually could have scored even more points in week one, were it not for a late 4th quarter run in which Sanders veered suddenly out of bounds along the Vikings sideline, attempting to trade uniforms with a Minnesota player, in an effort to escape from the Detroit Lions.
- Cris Carter (18.80 Fantasy Points) —Prior to Week One of the 1996 season, Carter’s friends and family were forced to intervene when he began taking his “all I do is catch touchdowns” mantra to extreme measures. He refused to do anything not directly related to catching touchdowns. He stopped eating, sleeping, and interacting with his children (if he had any at the time). The team was forced to step in when he began deliberately swatting balls to the turf that would not directly result in him catching touchdowns. A harrowing time for all involved.
The “Lugz” Week One Scrubs of the Week
- Dan Marino (6 Fantasy Points) — Dan Marino was actually the studio’s first choice to play the lead in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”. But, mere weeks into rehearsals, he resigned from the film. He’d later cite his unwillingness to do the emotional heavy lifting. “To play such a nuanced, challenging character like Ace, you really need to plumb the innermost recesses of the soul. I’m just not in that place right now.”
- Rod Smith (Zero Fantasy Points) — At this point, we are unable to confirm if Rod Smith actually exists. We’ll share some facts on Rod Smith when he actually catches a pass. Lew-Who, Za-her.
- Keyshawn Johnson (5.50 Fantasy Points) — The original title of Johnson’s famed, celebrated autobiography was actually “If it’s Alright With You, I Would Very Much Appreciate Having the Dag Blasted Ball as Much as Possible”. Johnson felt the publisher’s original title, “Fuck You Either Give Me The Ball Right Now Or I Will Kidnap Your Daughter From Her Crib and Replace Her With the Very Ball I am Now Demanding” was too edgy. A bitter fight ensued, with the two eventually settling on “Just Give Me The Damn Ball!”
- *If it’s not obvious enough, these quotes are fictitious.
ROSTER MOVES (IF ANY):
Dan — I’m going to have to stand pat here. Irving Fryar was given a pretty short hook, but I’m thrilled to stick with him for as long as he remains productive.
Jesse — Me too, despite a lackluster showing. Keeping in mind our rules, and the presence of Elway in your lineup, I can’t permanently bench Rod Smith’s ZERO-scoring-ass this early, despite a potential injury. Let’s go deluge!
IN THE NEWS 9/1/96–9/7/96:
Sep 1: The Baltimore Ravens play their first ever NFL game, immediately primed for success upon no longer being the Cleveland Browns.
Sep 4: 13th MTV Video Music Awards: Alanis Morrissette & Smashing Pumpkins win big, remain angsty.
Sep 5: Following US cruise missile strikes on Iraq, crude oil prices rise. Turns out you can bomb Iraq without a reason as long as you have a silver tongue.
Sep 7: Tupac Shot in Drive-By Shooting. RIP to the living legend.
THIS WEEK IN POP CULTURE:
#1 Song: “Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)” by Los Del Rio
#1 Movie: Sling Blade
#1 NY Times Bestseller: “Executive Orders”, by Tom Clancy
Words by Dan Poppke
SCORING APPENDIX:
Favre for Fighting — Dan Poppke
QB — Brett Favre — 247 passing yards, 4 TD, 0 INT(26.88 Points)
QB — John Elway — 183 passing yards, 2 TD, 2 INT (13.30 Points)
RB — Terrell Davis — 72 rush yards, 1 rush TD, 3 catches 23 receiving yards (17.00 Points)
RB — Barry Sanders — 163 rush yards, 1 catch 28 receiving yards (19.60 Points)
WR — Jerry Rice — 2 rush yards, Rush TD, 5 catches 88 receiving yards (17.5 Points)
WR — Tim Brown — -9 rush yards, 4 catches, 31 receiving yards, 2 TD (17.10 Points)
WR — Antonio Freeman — 6 catches, 82 receiving yards (11.20 Points)
TE — Ben Coates — 6 catches, 69 receiving yards, 1 TD (15.90 Points)
FLEX — Irving Fryar — 5 catches, 74 yds., 1 TD (15.90 Points)
K — Gary Anderson — 2/2 PAT, 1/1 FG (20–29 yds) (5.0 Points)
D/ST — Bills — 20 PA, 5 Sacks (5.0 Points)
Reserves:
Jimmy Smith (WR) — 3 catches, 25 receiving yards (4.0 Points)
Curtis Martin (RB) — 23 rushing yards (2.30 Points)
Drew Bledsoe (QB) — 221 passing yards, 1 TD, 2 INT (10.80 Points)
Kieth Jackson (TE) — 5 catches, 76 receiving yds., 3 TD (26.60 Points)
Secret Slime Play Action — Jesse Hagen
QB — Steve Young — 199 passing yards (13.20 Points)
QB — Dan Marino — 176 passing yards, 1 INT (6.0 Points)
RB — Thurman Thomas — 97 rushing yards, 1 TD, 2 catches, 19 yards (18.0 Points)
RB — Emmitt Smith — 70 rushing yards, 2 catches, 5 yards (9.5 Points)
WR — Cris Carter — 8 catches, 88 receiving yards, 1 TD (18.80 Points)
WR — Keyshawn Johnson — 1 catch, 50 receiving yards (5.5 Points)
WR — Rod Smith — ZERO
TE — Shannon Sharpe 4 catches, 55 receiving yards, 1 TD (13.50 Points)
FLEX — Marshall Faulk — 46 rush yards, 4 catches, 62 yards (13.30 Points)
K — Adam Vinatieri — 1/1 PAT, 1/1 FG (20–29 yds) (4.0 Points)
D/ST — Buccaneers — 34 PA, 1 Sack (4.0 Points)
Reserves:
Isaac Bruce (WR) — 4 catches, 40 yards (6.0 Points)
Eddie George (RB) — 50 rush yards (5.0 Points)
Welsley Walls (TE) — 4 catches for 31 receiving yards, 1 TD (11.10 Points)
Kordell Stewart (QB) — 4 rush yards, 1 catch, 8 receiving yards (1.7 Points)
Pop culture recap found here.
Other notes found here.
