Two Fundamentals for Good Conversation
Time and time again, by far some of the worst conversations I have are with people who don’t make a genuine effort to stay present.
They will ask me something, I will reply and almost immediately they seem to lose interest. Now arguably I know the first thing most people would probably say is “you’re just not charismatic enough”.
Touche ( and while we’re on that topic i will admit that was an insecurity of mine at some point — I’ve since worked through that and realized people sometimes are just narcissistic a**holes)
However, I’d have the exact same topic with someone else and sparks will fly as we rocket to the moon, and not necessarily on a topic we both have a consensus on. All that tells me is that everyone has at least one specific topic they struggle to keep themselves engaged in.
Okay, so is it my duty to keep you engaged?
Not exactly, and this is why conversation (genuine conversation), is a form of art, as what most fans of Pulp Fiction will tell you.
Both participants have a duty - in fact both have the exact same responsibilities to contributing in banter that leaves them feeling warm and fuzzy no matter who they are speaking to.
The first fundamental point in good conversation is a three letter word that has been floating around in many recent self help books:
EGO
The first point slightly challenges that three letter word we all suffer from. What you must admit and understand in order to universally have enticing banter, is that you aren’t as good at being social as you may think you are if you cannot have a conversation with anyone and about anything.
Period.
There are other human beings in the world other than your clique, and at some point you will need to converse with said ‘others’. (Oh the horror)
The ego also prevents us from listening to others because we think we already know everything there is to know(even though we owe so much of our knowledge to Google), or sometimes we think we are too cool to speak to a particular person based on their social status within a group or office setting. Or perhaps we just think we could do better with our time speaking about anything else at all.
Whichever way you look at it, the ego has a huge role in preventing us from connecting with others.
Conversation is all about listening intently to the other person, and not trying to think of what to say next. Only then can you ask organically interesting questions that help propel things forward.
Remember that people can pick it up if you aren’t actually interested in them or what they are saying, because we all have facial ticks or tells that we can’t control when we pretend to be engaged.
Do you know how refreshing it is to have someone as equally interested in what you have to say as you are to them? That’s where you find Nirvana, babe.
Human beings are made of an invisible energy that cannot be seen by even the most advanced technologies, but can be felt. People notice. And when they do notice, guess what, they lose interest too.
And can you blame them? They’re essentially wasting their time and breath on you. And, of course, that is a recipe for a disastrously awkward conversation.
I don’t care how bored you are with the topic, convince yourself that what the next person is saying is the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard. Offer this as a selfless service, it goes a long way.
Its literally as simple as a mental switch that needs to happen in the brain. If we fool our mind into thinking that a conversation is interesting it will be interesting, and the rest will happen organically.
Otherwise, do yourselves both a favor, end the convo and rather walk away, if you can of course.
I’m also not saying that you should be over the top with your showcase of “interest”, people pick that up too and lose… well, interest.
Humans are narcissistic by nature, it then only makes sense that if you want good conversation you need to show genuine interest in what they are saying.
Drop your ego and stroke theirs, and hopefully they will do the same.
Never interrupt
This is probably my ultimate peeve in social settings. I will start off with a subject that sets the tone or context of what my point was because it will help in driving it home. Only to get interrupted by a “I disagree”.
Do you know what I disagree on John? Your wonderful manners.
I’m not going to pretend like I’m holier-than in this instance though, I’ve had moments when I found myself wanting to interrupt someone too. But then i’ll keep quiet rather and realize that if I had spoken I would have lost the meaning to their insights.
And then there are times when I do interrupt and I feel like an absolute douche because I realized afterwards what they were actually saying, or I have now broken their momentum or train of thought.
It’s just… rude.
The two points i mentioned above are only on the basics of how to conduct yourself when speaking to other people. There are many other topics on the subject of social interactions that i can’t wait to cover in future posts, so hit the follow button and stay up to date!
Thanks for reading, and remember, pay attention.
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