WP1 香蕉人’s Journey to the West
Growing up, I hated Asian American stereotypes and did all I could to distinguish myself from them. Popular culture portrays us as people who covet boring but decent-paying jobs while shunning creative ones — the Asian doctor or lawyer joke is ubiquitous. As we grind to pursue these professions, we fall into our stereotypes of being nerdy, anti-social, and unathletic. Yet, despite facing racism and ridicule, many of us embrace our stereotypes to gain financial stability and generational wealth. I always thought I was unique, free-thinking, and therefore superior to those confined by our stereotypes. When I moved to the US, I was proud to fit in with 白人孩子 from day one. I played hockey and lacrosse when other Chinese kids went to Kumon. I spoke good English and was invited to my teammates’ homes when my Chinese peers hung out only with 自己人.
My dad used to say, “能和白人孩子做朋友太好了.” He initially threw the phrase around with pride. To an immigrant family, a child’s ability to befriend those born with the highest innate status in this country bodes great 财富 — fortune and luck. Hearing people say, “Charlie, you are the only cool Asian in our grade” and “You are not nerdy and weird like the other Chinese kids,” I thought my ability to mix into white society made me the exception.
Ironically, I dropped my DJ dreams for law school this year. However, instead of feeling boxed in by the stereotypes I desperately wanted to avoid, I finally felt liberated. Reflecting on my immigrant journey, I realized that my superiority complex against my people, in fact, was the coping mechanism of an insecure and oppressed mind. I received the offer to affiliate with the dominant culture early on, which came with the price of erasing my roots, and I accepted. Once I found belonging with those who actually sought to oppress my culture, I began to look down on my own people and invalidate their immigrant identities and experiences as stereotypical. My career decision served as a conduit for me to reflect on my insecurity and the harm I’ve caused. Now, I’ve finally learned to embrace my people’s stereotypes with pride, knowing that we are simultaneously capable of much more.
Like sports in my early life, DJing fueled my perception of myself as superior to the stereotypical FOB or ABC. Life as a DJ involves being in the spotlight, partying, creating, and taking risks. By identifying as a DJ, I sought to maintain an image opposite to the unpopular Chinese kid who receives no attention and silently gets through school to his or her STEM job. Eddie Hwang, in his memoir Fresh Off the Boat, wrote that in his youth, he thought “all the [Chinese][kids]…were herbs…[and][that][he] wasn’t built like them”(Huang p.53). His interest in rap, streetwear, and basketball made him feel better than the other Chinese kids “with salad bowl haircuts and TI-82s”(Huang p.54). I read Fresh Off the Boat around when I got good at DJing and started to use the hobby to feel good about my identity. My takeaway from the memoir was that Eddie and I belonged to a select caste of distinctive Chinese Americans who were better than the stereotypical ones. Even in my early college days, I felt different from the typical FOB who hung out only with other FOBs and majored in computer science or engineering. While they were busy studying in the library, I was DJing at clubs in Santa Monica and for my fraternity. People used to say, “Dude, you are not like the other FOB kids,” or “You are one of the few Chinese kids I know that have cool hobbies like music and DJing.” I feigned for this type of validation.
Around the time I first read Hwang’s memoir, I also watched Crazy Rich Asians. While the film was supposed to elicit pan-Asian pride, viewing it affirmed my judgment of the Asian immigrant community through a white lens. In Crazy Rich Asians, the most remarkable characters, like Nick Young, exhibited no Asian stereotypes. He was a handsome, muscular, and social man who belonged to the highest order of Singaporean society. With an oppressed mind that associated those qualities with whiteness, I thought it was only befitting that he stood in contrast to the other characters. Under my interpretation of Crazy Rich Asians, I grew even more disdained with the immigrant experience. I had to affiliate with the dominant white culture in the US to associate myself with the qualities I prescribed to the movie’s main character. With my ability to fit into white friend groups and my identities as an athlete and DJ that gained their validation, I felt like I always had the offer to join their culture.
Yet, I had to shed my background to fully affiliate with the dominant group. My white friends were uncomfortable hearing me speak Chinese, so in front of them, I wanted my parents to speak English. I stopped hanging out with Chinese kids because some of my white friends called them weird, and I skipped gatherings between Chinese student families. My 华人 peers would say, “Charlie is a 香蕉人, yellow on the outside, white on the inside.” My white friends would say, “Dude, you are very Americanized.” I was proud of these comments. While my parents’ initial affirmation of my ability to acclimate to this country turned into disapproval of my rejection of my roots, I didn’t care. Becoming overly critical of my culture, I thought I was above filial piety, a belabored, traditional Chinese concept. My yellow skin was the only part of my culture I had left.
Ironically, I decided to drop DJing for law school. After working in the creative side of music for three years, I chose to withstand the boredom of law in exchange for the stability of working the business side of music with a JD. Leaving my identity as a DJ tore me apart initially because I believed I could not leave without my uniqueness intact. In my mind, law represented my hypocrisy and cowardice for succumbing to the stereotypes I sought to distinguish myself from. I struggled with the decision for a long time, but one fruitful realization I encountered was that I had tied too much of my identity into my law school decision and wanted to find out why.
为了寻求答案，我重返了Crazy Rich Asians和Fresh Off the Boat, two works that shaped my immigrant identity as a teen. 当我再一次看Crazy Rich Asians, 我所获得感想和我第一次获得的截然不同. 我发现这个电影描述的社会是一个白人在华人之上的社会, 遍地都布满了dominator culture的影子. 电影里主角, 包括Nick Young都是混血演员, 都是有西方特征的人. 纯种的亚洲人像Awkwafina, Ronny Chieng, Ken Jeong都在演一些滑稽的配角. 其实他们在电影里的形象和白人社会对中国人的看法没区别. 他们都是一些边缘的奇葩, 只能负责搞怪和搞笑. 唯一的immigrant主角, Rachel Chu, 用了整个电影的时间来拼命争夺Young family, and the dominant culture it represents, 的认可. 这个电影最终还是在对华人进行分化. 在白人的世界, 更白的华人比不白的华人好. 意识到了这一点, 我也发现我了我对白人阶级社会的屈服.
在我做了一些反思后, 我发现在我拼命的脱离我们华人的刻板印象中, 其实我的思想被不喜欢我们的人彻底的控制了. 小时后我那些朋友说我不像别的亚洲人, 其实不是夸我, 而是在贬低我. 而我不仅没有为我自己, 我的家人, 和我的文化提出抗议. 我反而加入了他们并开始觉得典型的华人移民都不如我. 美国一个反殖民学者曾说, 有时候“the oppressed, instead of striving for liberation, tend themselves to become oppressors or sub-oppressors”(Freire p.45). 这么多年, 我没有意识到我其实变成了一个sub-oppressor. 通过否定其他华人的努和成功, 我得到了不长久的良好感, 让我感觉到我是少数可以和美国社会上层打交道的中国人. 难怪Kanye说, “they made us hate ourselves and love they wealth.” 对我, wealth就是dominator culture的认可。其实我对华人移民这个概念的鄙视来源于我的自卑
当我终于面对了我的不自信以后, 我对Fresh Off the Boat 也有了新的启发. Freire said, “Only power that springs from the weakness of the oppressed will be strong enough to free both oppressed and oppressors”(Freire p.44). 其实Eddie 和我 both had our moments of weakness, coping with alienation and ridicule in our immigrant experience by 逃离 our roots and stereotypes. However, now facing my insecurity, I reread Eddie’s memoir and realized that his actual message is 自豪 and 自信. We should embrace our stereotypes because they are a part of us, but we also know we can be much more. I realized one of Eddie’s central points is that racist voices in America want us to think that, as immigrants, we cannot be “well-rounded”(Huang p.235) individuals who can grind to become doctors and still be confident and social. These voices polluted my mind, and I subscribed to a world where Asians are either cool because they show whiteness and don’t exhibit stereotypes, or they are stereotypical and lame, not both. Therefore, my constrained mind decided to affiliate with my dominators. Having freed my mind from oppression, I realized my identity was not tied to my law school decision. I can be a DJ who understands the law and a lawyer who can rock a party.
Works Cited
“All Falls Down” — Kanye West
Crazy Rich Asians — Directed by Jon Chu
Fresh Off the Boat: A Memoir — Eddie Huang
Pedagogy of the Oppressed — Paulo Freire
