How to Succeed at Not Writing

5 Writers Share Their Tips & Tricks

With more opportunities for writers to procrastinate than ever before, we find ourselves in a Writerless Renaissance. Isn't it time to seize the moment? Here are some of our favorite tips, tricks, and techniques that have personally helped us to succeed at not writing.

Contributions by Nick Douglas, Paul Ford, Mark A. Rayner, Melanie LaForce and Jed Stoneham.

Nick Douglas

TooMuchNick.com

Reasons Why I Don’t Write More

• I haven’t read enough Reddit AMAs to get inside characters’ minds.
• I don’t have an iPad which you obviously need for reading scripts and for writing without distractions.
• I haven’t re-read Dan Harmon’s story structure tutorial again (top six pages in this list).
• I do too much work writing other stuff for pay so I’m “burnt out” when it’s time to write outside projects.
• I can’t get in the right head-space because I haven’t done any work writing today.
• I need to find the right music.
• I need to turn off my music.
• My neck hurts so I should get up and walk around a bit.

Paul Ford

Ftrain.com

For Me There Is but One Bullet Point:

• I will be able to write once I create the perfect content management system.

Mark A. Rayner

markarayner.com | Amazon Author Page

Sorry this took so long. (The irony was unintentional.)

• Physically disconnect my computer from the Internet (this works, but the first few seconds of obsessively hitting the refresh, check mail buttons is a bit embarrassing)
• Posting word counts (the idea here is to use the positive aspects of shame to force yourself to write, but I just don’t update on the days I don’t write and write more the following days)
• Whisky consumption (this works for the first drink, possibly the second, but a third and I find that anything I've written after it is essentially garbage, even if I thought it was genius while I was working)

Melanie LaForce

duhmericana.com

Give Yourself Permission to Not Write Tonight

1. I cannot be funny while wearing thong underwear. When the skinny jeans trend finally dies and cargo pants have become mainstream cool again, I will produce more quality work.
2. My job was far too cognitively demanding today for me to come home and write tonight. Imagine if Superman (or even a lower tier superhero like Thor) came home from a day of work and you said to him, “Ok, produce something amusing and grammatically sound.” It’s just unreasonable.
3. The release of new House of Cards episodes. (Cliched, but it’s the fucking truth.)
4. I really need to work out tonight. And by work out, I mean hang from the pull-up bar and cry softly.
5. I must spend 3 hours completing an indie pop playlist that is largely stolen from Stereogum and then place it on my blog with a photo of a pony where 3 people may listen to it.
6. I do not have the optimal combination of prescription and recreational drugs in my possession to achieve peak creativity and the pharmacy is closed/my dealer is in Miami this week.

Jed Stoneham

@jedstoneham

With over a decade of experience working in the competitive field of being a writer who doesn't write, I can safely say I’m a trusted authority. I assure you the following will not only help you become better at not writing, but it will also lay the foundation for continuing to not write far into the future.

Unhelpful Hardware

• Hipster PDA with keychain pen that is capable of writing in zero-gravity
• An official business-looking office chair
• Black glass corner desk to replace a perfectly functional folding table
• Sony Clie PEG SJ20 PDA with foldable keyboard
• Full size keyboard | Thin USB keyboard | Bluetooth keyboard
• Contemplating using a bluetooth keyboard to type into a phone while at a day job
• Dual-Screen monitors (1 for important research, 1 for serious writing)

Not Writing, as a Process

• Putting a sign on the door that says, “Writing”
• Drinking tea at a glass corner desk
• Practicing my autograph
• Holding a pen on a treadmill
• Applying to write coupons for Groupon and being rejected, because they’re looking for a “stronger writer”.
• Shutting off all the lights, not looking at the screen, and crying

Not Writing by Researching Writing

• Reading On Writing by Stephen King
• Reading Q & A’s about Writing on Ask Metafilter
• Reading The Comic Toolbox: How to Be Funny Even If You're Not
• Reading every column from screenwriter Ted Elliot’s Word Player.
• Reading an outline of Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within because I didn't want to buy the book.

Software that Wouldn’t Write by Itself

• LeanPub | Final Draft | Scrivener | Evernote | FocusWriter
• Typepad | Blogger | Wordpress | Tumblr | Medium
• IA Writer iPad App (I don’t even have an iPad)

If you have any other “writing” tips, please leave them in the comments section that doesn't exist. You could also leave a note, but who does that?