Self-fulfillment for a better life
After observing certain patterns over the past 7+ months, I got to a serious belief that the aim for self-fulfillment is a great root cause resolver for many issues from various areas.
Today I will write about:
*living for oneself & not seeking confirmation or approval in the outside world
*Interest in real-world — our life = not interest into distractions
*self-respect and self-love >> not harming oneself
*self-fulfillment vs dependency
*interdependency & communities as a solution against dependency on the state or the corporate
*reality runaways
*self-contentment
Self-fulfillment vs dependency
Self-fulfillment doesn’t mean self-dependency — independency.
In the Western world, we demonize codependency without being shown the alternative: the inter-dependency. It means an individual is capable of operating on his own while being willing to accept into his reality another person, to cooperate freely without feeling guilt or owning.
It’s about playing positive-sum games with others, seeking cooperation, and connection with others; while also being able to manage our life on our own, not being in the victim phase of ‘I cannot do this because of you’.
If we think we do not ‘depend’ — cooperate — then we don’t do so with nature and society, but we depend on something else: state, work community/godness, market, mum.
On the West, we are proudly not dependent — but we are dependent on the state to which we hand over 25% of our salary to give us $$ for food in 40 years. *Claps*. Government, as well as other institutions, love to work with belonging manipulation — I spoke about this here.
I also believe that the more we will restore the stronger connections and trust in communities, we will encourage interdependency and a positive-sum game, and the weaker the power of the state. If you do not need it [I also spoke about it in the video], you do not trust it — why would you support it? The more people will be able to question its legitimacy.
Self-fulfillment
So, what’s the self-fulfillment? It’s when we are capable to manage our life in a way to aim for being fulfilled — healthily satisfied with our life. Like to have hobbies and spend time on them, create healthy connections with people, being looking forward to getting up.
It sounds ridiculous, but it’s far too easy to go for the reality runaways today — to not experience emotions. You can choose your favorite reality runaway: workaholism, being constantly busy, alcohol, VR, social media.
Self-fulfillment is a lot about the ability to just be — in the here and now. To stop. To breathe and be aware of it. To feel this kind of gratefulness for being alive. To be aware of who we are and who we want to become. To experience both gratefulness for the present moment while having aims to strive for. To enjoy the process.
There was a lot of philosophy written about it — so I won’t dive deeper into it. I hope you got the idea.
I’d say shortly: to live life, while not seeking for anything or anyone else to make the moment somewhat fuller.
Like when someone says ‘Oh I need my ‘second half’ to be complete’ — no, you don’t. You are complete on your own. Every moment in our life is complete on its own. [Article about being whole. And one about being ourselves and not someone else.]
Same as all those super popular influencers' videos as ‘you cannot enjoy something unless shared’ — also not true. That doesn’t mean that sharing a moment is not great; that only means that you should be able to enjoy the moment and life on your own.
It is already full as it is.
It is complete.
It is just as it is — no different.
We experience a lot of suffering by wishing for the moment, reality, past was different, but they cannot be. You cannot change the moment, but you can change your perception, your experience. You can stop hoping the reality was different — you can accept it and perceive it as it is. So as yourself — you are the way you are, not different, that’s how it is.
Be grateful for having the chance to experience the present moment, while also having a chance to aim for more — that’s great. But right now, there’s nothing else, than what’s been already here.
That’s it.
Living for oneself
I recently read a great article [Hooked on Praise in Spanish — here is the English version] on parental behavior towards the kids — and that we shouldn’t be praising children, because then they start doing things not for their own joy, but for being praised: to make ourselves happy instead of making happy themselves.
E.g. The kid will be drawing a picture for us to be praised from us, despite they might not like drawing. Over time, they might stop drawing completely, because they won’t be receiving this praise in return.
The author mentions that we oftentimes use praising as a manipulation for the kids to do what we want to: ‘Good girl that you washed the dishes’, or even ‘Good girl that you shared the snack with someone else’. Despite this, the more we feel this to be the need, a must, the less likely we are actually about doing it in the future.
You’ll be more likely to help unconditionally when you do not have to, but when you feel like it, to make happy yourself that you can and want help, not because you should. [In Fromm’s To have or to be? he also promotes altruism, but also only from the inner desire to help. Which, in the end, reflects Ayn Rand’s The Virtue of Selfishness — one of the best books I’ve read.]
Creating better society not through compulsory helping, sharing, responsibility for everyone else, but through voluntary principle.
The article about praising made me think a lot about the adult world. How much are we doing everything to feel the confirmation from society, the reassurance that we exist, that we are right, that we are normal?
How about, instead, to live then for ourselves, without comparison, fights, competing, praising, proving ourselves; but with acceptance — both self-acceptance and the acceptance of the society?
Unconditional love lies in acceptance — I first experienced this with my friends from the Eccentric Club Prague [a private elite meeting place] who visited Georgia last fall and just gave me so much of the unconditional love feeling for me just being; and then, a very strong way when I found my ‘Georgian adoptive family’ [more on this story some other time :)].
At some point, I realized, that this Georgian family, despite we speak together in limited Russian, despite they do not know anything about my positions, my achievements, my education, job positions — nothing — they just love me. For me being. For being around. This reminds me of this simple statement:
People love us not because of what we do for them, but because of how they feel around us.
And so, if one feels not enough — then, for whom?
As long as we will keep feeding the conditional machine: the better I get, the more I do for you = the more you will love me [rather than ‘depend on me’] — the longer we will manipulate the world and aim it to love us for our achievements, instead of for who we are: without status, work, past, and future.
Who we are in the here and now.
Achieve for oneself
I have to admit I felt somewhat need of this confirmation of self through the support of the society — the external world, for my achievements. I also realized a parallel — the more my family celebrates my successes, the more fundament I feel under me, and the less I feel the need to share these with the world. Of course, I will continue doing so at a certain point, but in a different way — as a part of the personal branding.
Since I didn’t feel the support of family in the past, I needed this sort of confirmation from society. However, it’s like an endless bar that you cannot really fulfill this way. The problem was rather that I didn’t feel this support within myself — when we are truly aware of ourselves, we believe in our own sanity, then we do not question ourselves, our decisions, we do not seek a reply from the outside. And then, of course, the family’s support in the form of wishing us the best of luck, or sharing ‘no doubts’, is truly supportive; they land on the fertile ground of our own self-awareness of our self-fulfillment:
If we then strive for ourselves to make ourselves satisfied, to make ourselves happy, for the process itself, rather than for the result — rather than for the outside world to be praised, to feel confirmed — then we get much more in peace with ourselves. There’s nowhere to rush, nothing to prove to the world or ourselves [or rather our fatherhood figure in our mind].
Then that’s the moment to stop and ask oneself:
What do I want? What do I enjoy doing?
Sadly I think most people do not even have the answer to it — because we were not really directed to be ever searching for it. Society is set up so that we’d be oriented on what the world needs, what society needs, what are the requirements for work… We alter ourselves to be a society fit, instead of being ourselves — despite our real value doesn’t lay in how much we can change ourselves; but how much we are authentic: who we are when we do not change. [More from me on authenticity]
Home is you
One of the best presentations I made was in Chiang Mai — I spoke about how we can bring our remote work conditions to the next level. It was a LOT about self-fulfillment. And about the fact that no matter where you will bring yourself — you might not really be happy if you’re expecting that there is some particular place that will make you happy. That place is you.
Yet, I believe we should be aware of society, our surroundings, and how it influences us — and go where we will be treated better. So, indeed, finding a better place, a non-toxic environment, is a way to go. However, the real change happens on the inside. Finding a better place to live, in fact, is mainly about choosing ourselves. That’s a good way to go.
Why are you really where you are? For whom? For what? To impress someone, prove something, because of someone else? Is this what you want? Does the place fit you or you’d better be elsewhere? I realized just recently that the real reason why Georgia is a fit for me — is for its warm social life. However, your inner needs might be completely different. Seek them. And then aim for fulfilling them. You cannot ever make really happy anyone else, no matter how much you try. It’s also their duty. Do not make others dependent, addicted to you. Let them go and go your way.
Make everyone happy.
Simple: how do you feel around people who are dissatisfied with their own life? Maybe you want to help for a little — maybe you want to help for a lot because that’s what’s beneficial for you, but creates a co-dependent relationship and you want others to be dependent on you? It’s easier to control others — then they will be less likely to harm you, right? Well, that’s not really the way to self-fulfillment.
If you want to bring happiness to the world — make yourself healthily satisfied with yourself. Self-content in the right balanced way. Think of what people will surround you then if you’ll be satisfied, happy with yourself. Maybe you think there might be those willing to take away this satisfaction from yourself — surely, only in case you will allow them to do so. That’s about self-respect I talk about below.
Self-contentment
The following text comes from my older reflection randomly posted on my IG.
Self-contentment has its different angles.
There are people who will tell you they are self-content. Often, they don’t do much. No aims, no next steps. This self-contentment is dangerous. I think it’s not contentment at all. I see behind it anxiety and self-doubts, that lie under the self-satisfaction layer. One ends up in laziness and apathy.
There is a la self-contentment and envy of others. It’s rather a lot of show-off with a huge emptiness behind it. Comparing with others. Imaginary satisfaction through things.
There is a toxic positivity self-contentment based on pseudo productivity. I think this is very common nowadays. We are happy about ourselves thanks to the dopamine boost from the finished task. So we keep rushing here and there and we might even get proud of ourselves. Yet, (been there, done that), you end up anxious about the results, and numbers, and over time you may realize you care only about those, not the process itself. It’s that moment when you realize you’re anxious about breaking the chain with one pizza or one movie night. You restrict everything for ‘perfection’. It’s toxic because you lack kindness and acceptance towards yourself. If you work on these, you may turn them into happy moments.
And finally, there’s that real peaceful self-contentment. You aim for more, but you’re grateful for where you are. You’re kind and accepting. You know that running 2 kilometers is okay too. You know that being blue sometimes is normal and there’s no need to underrate your abilities. You’re just enough, yet you have some bigger goals and you’ll get there.
Self-respect & reality runaways
There’s this big hype about procrastinating and not. I thought once that ‘damn, if I have a life I love, I value, if I value myself, if I respect myself, why would I procrastinate my potential, why would I procrastinate my life, wasted my time with toxic people, in toxic jobs?’
I know it’s not so easy to be leaving things, but mostly that’s the best thing we can do to enable space for new beginnings.
Seriously, the more fulfilled, the more happy life I have, the less I feel any sort of interest in spending my time [= my life] on social media consuming some cat videos. [I do not enjoy videos honestly much, but I create them.] I became much more aware of what I bring my attention to, what content I consume, how I spend my time. Not to control it — but to think: does this serve me, is this what I want to do, what I consciously choose to do?
If we have this urge to run away from reality, then, why is it so? Do we really hate life and ourselves so much that we are more into killing ourselves with every other cigarette, or do we get drunk every other evening to be incapable of falling asleep without it?
Or do we spend all our days on social media scrolling, saying we’re relaxing, taking time off? [I guess that such a passive activity is more about turning off, but is this the best self-respecting activity to do? To what degree? — I rather point out to how addictive it is and no matter the self-control and awareness, it’s like swimming against the stream of the river: too much effort. — This is not supposed to be meant as a judgment, but as a thought-provoking paragraph for you to serve.]
If I love life, if I think ‘Damn, I love myself, I am really grateful for life’ — then why would I be harming myself? Why would I allow others to harm me? Why would I make myself suffer? Is there a way to live a beautiful life? May I take it? And again, what do I want, and what do I enjoy?
Conclusion
We do not make anyone happy by suffering.
Make yourself happy and go for it, no matter the unknown, cross the threshold, and live your life. You’ll make everyone happy, without seeking approval or confirmation in the outside world.
Hugs and love.
Sam
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