To be a society fit or to be oneself?
A dilemma:
‘Should I be myself, express what I want the way I want; or should I adjust myself to fit into the society and more likely be accepted?’
This question comes from the completely normal human principle — we want to belong somewhere and we all have (sometimes subconscious or suppressed, rarely processed) fear of being left alone. Some people use manipulations to avoid being alone, which in the long run only results in… a very lonely life.
I already wrote once about the communities — I am well aware of how they can help one to remain and feel sane. The opposite was widely used by the oppressive regimes and on the individual level it often lead to suicides.
We need to feel we belong somewhere. And, despite my belief, that in the first place, we should belong to ourselves, it doesn’t compensate for the other need of belonging. When we belong, it feels like having solid ground beneath. It’s what truly forms our confidence, makes us relax and not constantly defeat ourselves, and lets us go into the world and fly without doubts.
In the article mentioned above about the communities, I encourage to find the communities that truly fit us. And, I empower that if we cannot find any, we may walk alone for a while, but then, we are free to create our own. I am pretty sure that there are others seeking exactly the same.
The more I learn about us humans, I can see how most of us are just repeating the family scenarios or their contra versions, experiencing resentment towards our parents and keep living in the same patterns over and over again. Why do I mention it? If you believe that you cannot find any like-minded people who’d have the same set of values and similar thoughts, you’re wrong. Of course, if you truly believe it, you also create situations that confirm your bias. [unconsciously] But it’s just not true. At the end of the day, we do not differ so much — and we do not differ in one very fundamental thing:
So, considering the understanding, that all kinds of people you want to attract exist, your dream guy or girl exists, the community with the same crazy ideas exists, people who are as driven as you exist, or as lazy as you are as well — we just often do not see them — that means, that there is always some space for you in the world. A space where you can belong.
Now, processing certain events in my psyche, I understand, that the core fundamentals should come from the family. As a person who believed that I am my own family and that this is something we do not choose in life and thus we cannot influence it, it was very difficult to accept being part of my family. To accept I am part of my parents. I am them and they are me. It has taken me about a year and I am still not at the end of some journey. Maybe, there’s no end. That’s fine. But there’s now a lot more compassion and acceptance and even love toward them. That’s very different.
I only mention it because now I truly feel much more stable, grounded, on the level of confidence, as when you have a surface beneath and you can surely jump and it will be there. It is trusted, it is firm, it is bold. It’s core that is behind me, that is within me.
However, no matter at what part of processing such situations we are, having the top-down confirmation and assurance of self, is important too. Having a place to belong outside the family or one partner or a friend.
I call for decentralization of the emotional needs in the Freeist concept — one ‘best friend’ just cannot face all your emotions and you cannot require this. Decentralize it and you won’t feel like a chair with one leg. It is no betrayal — to the contrary. It’s beautiful to love and trust multiple people. And yes, one can love own friends and family. Love is not just this physical love thing…
And then, if we believe we can truly find our place in this world — among communities, friends, family; if we believe this support is firm and here for us; we start understanding our validity of self and we truly feel it. It gives us support, confidence, the solidity;
Then the initial question answers itself.
Why should you be conformist, altering yourself, to fit into the imaginary non-sense requirements, that are not of yours? Why would you change yourself for the expectations of the world?
This runs towards the emptiness of pursuing the non-existent values, the materialistic non-fulfillment that comes from chasing nothing without any base or core within self — this adjustment towards the conformist, this living of the life of others for others — this doesn’t fulfill anyone ever. [But this is not the curse against wanting things and fulfilling what we want. Giving ourselves what we want out of our happiness, wishes, desires — that’s just right.]
If we seek to fulfill the needs of others, we end up fulfilling the needs of no one.
Embracing the bottom-up approach, from one-self towards the world, from authentic self-expression to speak, to create, to be spontaneous and curious, to create the world, to build the castles that are of our own and then invite our friends and families and show them our gardens of the roses we always wanted — people are happy to go and build with you. Especially if they see it is something truly yours and that’s something that makes you happy.
Being oneself, seeking understanding of oneself, and accepting self; pursuing our goals and dreams — not to prove, but to enjoy the journey, and every minute of it; this is what creates a beautiful fulfilled world with deeper values and self-awareness.
If we are ourselves, if we truly accept ourselves, we see the good and the bad and we know that we are just so so so much beautifully human as we can be — we surely won’t be accepted by everyone. But at that point, we understand that we haven’t even sought it.
We do not have to have everyone around.
In the first place, we have to have around ourselves, around our base, our core — to be self and have self. [not to run away from ourselves and our reality]
And then, the relevant, like-minded people come and surround us, and support us. They will be with us and we will be with them.
When we express ourselves the way we are, right away, it may not be comfortable for everyone, but it’s okay. It’s like a perfect initial filter — people who cannot face you the way you are, are not supposed to have a place in your life in the long run. That’s just it.
If we adjust ourselves to meet the requirements and the expectations of the world — maybe we get more popular, but surely not among the genuine people [whom are we actually seeking?]. We will attract people who will accept the version of ourselves, that is not ourselves. And thus, such people cannot accept us the real way we are.
Simplicity.
Be yourself the way you already are. That’s the most beautiful version you can ever embrace. And then, just then, you can start aiming for more from your own authentic desires, via your authentic self-expression.
With a lot of love,
Sam
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