Manifesto Intros Part 1: Conservatives

It’s a 2015 UK Election adventure in subtext!

Hit it, Dave.



Translation: I’m in charge. I know what I’m doing. It will get better.

Over the last five years, we have put our country back on the right track.

I know it looks like we’ve done bugger all, but we have. Just give us more time, and you’ll see.

Five years ago, Britain was on the brink. As the outgoing Labour Treasury Minister put it with brutal candour, ‘there is no money’.

Before us, you were screwed. Even Labour can’t deny it.

Since then, we have turned things around.

Now, things are different. Or at least they will be. If you give us more time.

Britain is now one of the fastest growing major economies in the world. We are getting our national finances back under control. We have halved our deficit as a share of our economy. More people are in work than ever before. Britain is back on its feet, strong and growing stronger every day.

We’ve gone from broke to slightly-less-broke. Okay it’s still a hot mess, but we’re working on it! Here’s some maths — see? Things are getting better. We just need more a bit more time, that’s all.

This has not happened by accident. It is the result of difficult decisions and of patiently working through our long-term economic plan. Above all, it is the product of a supreme national effort, in which everyone has made sacrifices and everyone has played their part.

You think this stuff magically sorts itself out? It does not. We’ve been killing ourselves. Also some of it is so fricking dull, you’ve literally no idea. Yes, we know you’ve had a hard time too; food banks, pay freezes and whatnot. Same!

It is a profound Conservative belief that our country is made great not through the action of government alone, but through the flair, the ingenuity and hard work of the British people — and so it has proved the last five years.

The point is, you’ve made it this far, so what’s another five years, amirite? (You’re awesome by the way. Like your style.)

We can be proud of what we have achieved so far together, and especially proud that as we have taken hard decisions on public spending, we have protected the National Health Service, with 9,500 more doctors and 6,900 more nurses, and ensured generous rises in the State Pension.

After all, it could be worse.

Our friends and competitors overseas look at Britain, and they see a country that is putting its own house in order, a country on the rise. They see a country that believes in itself. But our national recovery remains a work in progress. It is fragile, and with the wrong decisions, it could easily be reversed.

Put Labour in charge and even a royal baby won’t save our image abroad.

So the central questions at this election are these: how do we maintain our economic recovery, upon which our ambitions for our country depend? And how do we make sure that the recovery benefits every one of our citizens, at every stage of their lives?

Frankly, you don’t have a lot of options at this point.

This Manifesto sets out our plan to do just that. It is a plan for a better future — for you, for your family. It is a plan for every stage of your life. For your new-born baby, there will be the world’s best medical care. For your child, there will be a place at an excellent school.

As you look for your first job, we are building a healthy economy that provides a good career for you with a decent income. As you look for that first home, we will make sure the Government is there to help. As you raise your family, we will help you with childcare. And as you grow older, we will ensure that you have dignity in retirement.

Think of the children. Think of grandma.

Throughout, we will make sure that if you or your family fall ill, you will always be able to depend on our cherished National Health Service to give you the care you need.

What if you get cancer? Then where will you be?

And in an increasingly dangerous and uncertain world, we will fulfil the most basic duty of government — to defend our country and keep it safe.

ISIS. Putin. We’re not kidding.

But all of these things depend on a strong and growing economy. So as you consider how to vote, I hope you will ask this: which party is best placed to keep our economy strong? The team which has delivered the growing economy we have today, which created more jobs since 2010 than the rest of the European Union put together; or the party which left behind a ruined economy just five short years ago?

Think Labour can handle that shit? Those clowns, seriously?

Now is a time to build on the progress we have made, not to put it all at risk. This Manifesto is our plan of action — our plan to take our amazing country forward. Above all, it is a plan for you.

At least let’s see where this is going. We have some good ideas. Our focus groups said so. Did we mention we think you’re awesome?

I hope you will give it your support, so that together, we can see through the task we have begun.

It’ll happen, we promise.

Just… give us more time.


Summary: Assertions of competence with a side order of desperation, flattery and veiled threats.

Next, Labour!

You’ll find more manifesto front page moop-a-doopery here.

Comments? Queries? Find and follow me at @emmaclarebrooks.

Or read the original Conservative manifesto front page if you are so inclined.