Manifesto Intros Part 2: Labour

Between the lines 2015 UK Election Special continues.

Talk to me, Ed.

This manifesto is for you.

-A note from Ed Miliband

Translation: I am the voice of the people.

(I’ve also put my name at the top, in case you’re not sure who this is.)

I take a simple view.

Fuck Eton.

We are a great country, but we can be even better.

I’d say ‘fuck the establishment’, but I need mainstream votes.

The fundamental truth that runs through this manifesto is that Britain will only succeed when working people succeed. It is an idea at the heart of my beliefs. And it drives our better plan for a better future.

Bankers and toffs are a fairly safe target, though. So let’s stick with that.

It means a country where hard work is rewarded, with high-skill, high-wage jobs. An economy built on strong and secure foundations, where we balance the books.

Gordon Brown? Never heard of him.

It means building a future for all our young people, so they can get world-class apprenticeships and access to affordable, higher education.

Think of the children. Not my children obviously, because we all know they’re going to be fine. The point is, even your cola-swilling urchins are probably fit for something, and that’s important.

It means strong public services, rescuing our NHS.

What if you get stabbed in your no-doubt-undesirable neighbourhood? Then where will you be?

It means strong communities, where power is shared by people in every part of the country and where we respond to people’s concerns about immigration, with proper controls.

Scotland, we feel you! (Don’t vote SNP.) Middle England, we think you’re racist but we’ll work something out! (Don’t vote UKIP.)

It means a Britain where everyone plays by the same rules, including those at the very top of our society. And it means an outward looking country, engaged in the world for our national interest.

We’re going to tax those rich bastards. And we’re not going to piss off Europe, because, unlike some people, we actually know what century we’re in.

For me, the privilege of serving as Prime Minister in our country would be for one purpose alone: to work every day to help build a country that works again for working people.

Note that I said ‘privilege’, not privileged. I also said ‘work’, ‘works’ and ‘working’ in the same sentence. You see what I’m getting at.

This manifesto is our plan to achieve that goal. ​

I know I’m, like, 30, but I’m #totallyserious about this.

What? I can totally run the country.

Shut up.

Summary: courting the popular vote, with a dash of denial, class anxiety, and fluctuating self-confidence. The politics is earnest, if slightly closeted.

Now UKIP.

Or find more manifesto front pages here.

Comments? Queries? Find and follow me at @emmaclarebrooks.

Peruse the Labour manifesto letter for yourself here.