The Life-Changing Magic of Asking: Take Immediate Control of Your State And Master Life.
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Whatever you focus on, you’ll find it.
It can take less than one second to change your life.
There is a hidden power that I have. And so do you. But I’m guessing, just like me, you don’t know how to access it.
In fact, like me a few months ago, you probably don’t even know it exists.
I’m writing this in hope that this will change for you today.
It isn’t some superhero-type power that you’ll see on the big screen. But by the end of this post you’ll have access to a power that’ll allow you to immediately:
- change your state,
- change your physiology,
- make better laser-like focused decisions,
- get you out of any tough situation, and,
- unleash positive outcomes in any area you desire, with complete control.
The potential is limitless. It depends on how you use it.
It is a power that holds the key to overcoming one of our strongest innate tendencies. Drilled in by evolution (we’ll get to this in a second).
Something I wrestle with daily. As you may too.
This power I speak of, is the power of Asking The Right Questions.
Sounds simple. Is not. But capable of changing your life.
The difference in the quality of people’s lives often comes down to the difference in the questions they consistently ask themselves.
This comes as no surprise to anyone.
It seems obvious. That the majority of our mental focus should be on positive empowering outcomes and less on the negative undesirable ones.
But, if it is so obvious, why don’t we all do this then?
Why do we keep struggling with unwanted negative emotions?
Why is it that our instinctual desire is to always take a step towards asking disempowering questions instead?
Questions that we DON’T EVEN KNOW we’re asking.
I start to feel a slight dryness and irritation developing in my throat, and the questions that pop up -
- “Why do I keep getting sick?”
- “What if I can’t make it to work tomorrow?”
- “What did I eat that could have made me sick?”
- “Is there some other underlying problem that I need to sort out? Do I need to see a doctor?”
- “Am I dying?” (okay maybe it is not this extreme, *ahem*)
…and so on.
These questions don’t help me in any way.
These questions make me head deeper down the rabbit hole.
These questions lead to answers that disempower me further.
These questions, cleverly, slide under the radar.
I don’t actually see them. I’m not aware that I’m asking myself these questions.
They ask themselves.
It is some sort of pre-programming.
An ingrained behaviour that I’m not sure how I developed?
A behaviour that I don’t seem to have control over.
…And, surprisingly, that may be the case — we actually may not have much control over it.
It is the evolutionary construct of the human condition that ensures existing, but obstructs living.
Sounds fancy,
But in simple terms it means that we are programmed to focus on terrible threatening stuff, which leads to asking terrible questions.
Instead of positive ones.
What gives?
Well, there is a reason for it. There was a time when this was extremely useful and necessary to protect us.
Humans have a ‘negativity bias’.
To keep our hunter and gatherer forefathers alive from the saber-toothed tiger lurking around the corner, or the herd of wild animals, and the million other dangers that were present all around.
Evolution taught humans to focus on threats and be aware of the risks in our environment.
Instead of taking time out to, say, admire the beauty of nature.
That just wouldn’t be practical. Nor, would it help us survive.
So to keep us safe, it was important to have a brain that honed in on threats, danger, and negative outcomes first and foremost.
Our brains have become like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.
Neuropsychologist — Rick Hanson
This explains why an avalanche of negative thoughts find it easier to surface inside my head than the positive ones.
Take your relationship as an example.
It takes 5 positive experiences (and several fine dining dinners) to get over a negative experience that happened and/or you screwed up. But a positive one may be forgotten in the next breath.
It was extremely useful to have this type of behaviour as our default system in the early years of Serengeti.
Because evolutionarily speaking — positive presents no threat to well-being.
And it doesn’t stop there, what’s interesting is…
The normal state of our mind is chaos.
A very influential author and psychology professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (what a name!), a pioneer in the scientific study of happiness,
From his years of research has come up with the conclusion that the normal state of our mind is chaos.
Contrary to what we tend to assume, the normal state of the mind is chaos … when we are left alone, with no demands on attention, the basic order of the mind reveals itself … Entropy is the normal state of consciousness — a condition that is neither useful nor enjoyable.
— Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
This is why meditation is one of the most challenging things we can do.
(And probably one of the most beneficial…)
Our mind’s normal state isn’t to be silent and still. It is chaos. Meditating, then, goes against the grain of evolution.
Bringing our mind to silence creates a pattern (no matter how small) in winning this battle. But oh it can be a challenge!
Anyway, I’m not writing this to talk about meditation. That is not the answer here. There is a quicker, remarkably more, effective way.
Full circle back — this is where the hidden power helps kicks some ass.
Every single day, I could walk into work, make a list of “to-dos” that need doing, and get on with it.
I did this for years.
Smashing through the list each day, with a big smile and chest out. I strolled around thinking I’ve conquered the world.
It was the ultimate strategy?
Then I came across a post.
Where a question was posed by Tim Ferriss —
“If this were the only thing I accomplished today, would I be satisfied with my day?”
And another by Tony Robbins —
“Do I feel victorious today?”
Imagine asking these two questions instead of my to-do list.
What I spend my time on would be put under my own microscope, and as a result, my time would be spent on that which is ultimately more productive and useful to me.
It’ll override all self-defeating habits and negative self-talk. Aligning you with the outcome you’re looking to achieve.
It’s like holding Kryptonite to our evolutionary programming.
And total time required to change your life — work wise — less than 1 second.
These questions don’t just apply to work and productivity.
When I am about to get on stage to do a presentation in front of a large crowd.
- Or about to pop the question to my life partner.
- Or coming clean to a friend about something I did wrong.
- Or any fear-inducing situation for that matter.
The negativity latches on and starts to pull me in its direction.
The avalanche of thoughts. The chaos. The “what-could-go-wrong” in every possible scenario appears. Evolution wants to be heard.
But the simple question —
“What stands on the other side of this fear?”
Usually, the answer is — nothing.
Focusing your attention to being objective in this case and cutting through the chaos of negative emotion.
And.
Fear = gone.
Again, the power of the right question. Wins the battle each time.
The most successful and happiest people in the world do a job of asking beautiful questions. They’ve trained themselves, like anyone can, in the habit of translating our creative challenges into questions.
Essentially,
It is just a question. One question. That stands between you and anything you can dream of achieving.
All you have to do is make it a practice to ask.
“Don’t overestimate the world and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think.”
Be it
- When you’re lost for purpose in life — Ask “What did I want to become when I was a kid? If I had a billion dollars and money wasn’t an object, what would I spend my time doing?”
- When you are down, unhappy, and/or stressed — Ask “What am I really grateful for in my life? What do I have that someone else would die to have?”
- When you can’t find where to spend your time — Ask “What could I do right now that would change my life? For my own eulogy what would I want to hear?”
There is a question you can craft for every situation, every circumstance, and every battle the world throws you.
Ask the right question repeatedly and you’ll have the right answer.
SO whatever your battle is right now, or whatever it is you want to improve, there is a question to guide you through it.
You now know how to access this power.
You had it the moment you were born.
You now know what it can do. And realise its source is unlimited.
Through its use you can craft a life filled with positive emotions, outcomes, passion, drive, confidence, excitement, joy and everything you can dream of.
If, you spend time waiting for the perfect question, however.
Wondering whether there is a better question you should be asking than the one you have right now.
It is a surefire indication that evolution is winning the battle this time around. Negativity bias has you in its grip.
And you are not alone.
So, don’t let it.
The only question you need to ask when this happens is “Do you have 1 second to ask a better question right now?”
I’ll leave the answer to you.
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P.S. THANKS TO James Clift, Kevin Lavelle, j.s.lamb, Benjamin Hardy, Kristyna Z., CamMi Pham, T.K. Coleman, Life Learning, Susie Pan, Andy Drish, Ev Williams, Cathryn Lavery for the inspiration I gathered from your wonderful posts. Keep up the amazing work.
