Taming That Voice In Your Head — The Most Important Skill You’ve Never Learnt
There is but one obstacle that stands in our way no matter what we pursue in life (internally or externally). That is our mind. It can either help us, or completely paralyse us. But as important as learning the skill of working with our mind may be, as it impacts every aspect of our life…
…Why is no one taught this skill? Is it even a skill?
Look for the colour red.
Please look around the room, or wherever you are right now. And try to spot red.
Seriously, take a second now to do it.
Suddenly you’ll notice everything that is red, or even those colours that closely resemble red.
All of these that were oblivious to you before.
WHY?
Our supply of attention is limited (think of it as “bandwidth”).
Our nervous system is incapable of processing more than 110 bits of information per second.
And as a reference point, to hear what a person is saying and to understand them, you need to be able to process about 60 bits per second.
So if you do the math…
This is why you can’t hear and understand two people at once.
Professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (yes, that is his last name), explains this in more detail in relation to how humans can reach a state of “Flow” of optimal experience.
That state where we are completely immersed in what we are doing, everything else seems to disappear, and we walk out performing at a level that we hadn’t experienced before. If you’re interested to know more, link below on his Ted talk.
BUT back to the colour red…
The reason when I asked you to look for the colour red and we started to spot it all around us when previously oblivious to it, is a result of our nervous system conserving its bandwidth.
Our brain needs to process the information that may be more important at the time, and looking for the colour red wasn’t it.
Awareness, however, allowed us to see it.
It is powerful stuff.
Same happens with our thoughts and our mind.
Here are some examples that most of us can relate to:
- We go to the store to buy item X and Y only and walk out with the entire alphabet,
- We are trying to discuss something with our partner, and before you know it World War III is taking place,
- We have an important presentation, interview, meeting, fill in the blank. We run the entire story in our mind several times of how we want it to turn out, but when the moment comes we forget half the things we planned to say, or,
- We are supposed to be doing Z, which is a very important thing, but instead we end up doing Q for hours, which is a very unimportant thing.
All of these behaviours and many many more stem from us not being aware of our own patterns, our most common responses to situations, and where our mind prefers to travel when in autopilot (due to our own personal conditioning).
Not having self-awareness.
A note: Before you start to think this is turning into some mystical discussion about harnessing voodoo high levels of energy and transforming oneself into an enlightened state, yada yada.
Definitely NOT.
If you don’t watch where you’re going, you’ll end up where you weren’t planning on going.
Speaking of voodoo high level enlightened beings.
Here is a story to give you perspective.
Many years ago, I was roped in by a friend (not even a close friend) to attend a business seminar that would “change my life”.
It was being held in a flashy new building at Curtin University’s new complex.
There was a room full of people.
-> Ranging from teenagers, to some 60+ year olds.
The presenter walked in right on time.
He was an uber confident mid-thirties guy who was wearing a power suit with a slick contrasting tie and matching pocket square.
The image of perceived success.
He delivered a 45 minute talk with figures, statistics, and testimonials that revolved around the concept:
“Right now you are paid for every hour you work, why not create something that pays you while you sleep for the rest of your life? Thousands of us are already doing it…”
(some of you are probably wondering how you can get in on this action!!)
The talk was extremely well crafted to target only those people that it was looking to appeal to.
At that time, I was one of them.
I jumped on the bandwagon, and
- got sent various pamphlets and information booklets,
- started going through the initial stages of joining up,
- did my research on who I could recruit under me, and,
- going through the necessary processes as fast as I could.
UNTIL.
My awareness switch was turned on by another (closer) friend.
Unbeknown to me, what I was entering into was a Pyramid Scheme.
My friend had been through it before and explained to me and how it was going to lead me in a direction I shouldn’t really take. Sacrificing relationships, time, and a lot of energy not leading to much.
Good timing. I pulled out.
There is a space between stimulus and response.
So,
This Pyramid Scheme presentation was designed to target many biases that a number of us have that we are not aware of.
And the power suit, the flashy room, the figures, stats, etc.
All of it are designed in a way to know how to trigger the right reactions, and it did.
(similar to the extremely clever Nigerian email scam, which I’m sure we’ve all had pop up in our inbox before — here)
Without my friend making me aware of my own mind patterns. Which allowed me to question them.
I may not have been able to make, what seems like, the right decision.
But this unaware automatic response happens all the time.
And, this is a skill we are never taught.
When something happens
.
.
.
When we respond
There is that space in between.
Stephen Covey talks about this in detail.
That is the space which we need to train to lengthen. By doing so, it allows us to develop one of the most important skills we can develop…
…Learning to work with our mind.
So, here is the ideal process.
A) When there is a stimulus (something happens),
B) We observe (become aware) of our patterns, our biases, our feelings and whatever else we can,
C) There is that space, and,
D) We respond
Simply, all that is missing is B, for us to be aware. Which leads to more C.
A matter of putting aside some bandwidth to observe.
Sounds, easy, but it is an incredibly hard process. Especially for adults who have layers and layers added to our cake already.
BUT
By sitting inside that space for a little bit longer, you start to
- See the urge to buy the entire alphabet, when all you walked into the store to do was buy X and Y,
- Know at what point and what bias made you transition into anger in your discussion with your partner, when all you were doing was having a chat,
- Feel yourself getting nervous just before walking into the meeting, being able to see the patterns, and the cause, and in doing so, remembering those things you practiced before the big moment, and,
- Be aware of the thought pulling you towards grabbing your phone to check your notification from Q app, instead of continuing work on Z, which is much more important to you at this moment,
Being in that space, lets you be more in control.
It isn’t a magical process where you are fully in control at all times, nor can you be aware and observe your mind at all times.
But it is a skill you can learn.
A skill like anything else you can learn.
However, the key takeaway is, learning this particular skill may be the lead domino that helps make other aspects of your life a lot easier to conquer, and overcome the other challenging things you encounter.
It is the one skill that makes it easier to knock off the others.
And if you believe, as I do, the importance of learning this skill.
Would it not be worthwhile teaching this skill to children at school?
Does excelling at math, english, science, food, economics, phys ed, etc. etc. rank higher than being able to have more control over how you respond to the world?
Would having this training and control make it easier to excel on all of the above?
Maybe it is worth the time trying to get everyone to observe red.
And maybe,
By you reading this you are now more aware of the importance of learning this skill, and in return, it will make you more aware of being aware of your awareness. Which will make others more aware.
Inception.
